(Closed) Help. My Fiancee is having second thoughts. Wedding is 2 months away.

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m glad you’ve made a joint decision and I hope you’re able to get counseling and improve your communication and feel like life partners.

But PPs, one person in the couple doesn’t have to be right and the other wrong. It is fair for her to want a partner who does X (is effusive, is extremely supportive, whatever) and it’s fair for him to not do X. I don’t like the tone in a lot of these responses, because they imply that one person is wrong and the other right, as though there’s some objectively correct way to be.

Post # 48
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

thatguy329:  My guy…this thing has been given multiple last shots and it’s not going to be revived with one date to a wedding. If things are cold and awkward when you’re alone together, how is it going to be when you’re expected to act as a couple in public?  It’s going to be so tense and forced (guarantee she will be on her phone all night and will find ways to not hang out with you), and I imagine it will just create more opportunities for fights. This relationship is making you both miserable and both of you emotionally checked out ages ago.

The things you described are clearly not anything she is interested in changing, and if your partner’s habits and personality make you feel like crap then they’re definitely not the right person for you.

Don’t wait for her to end it. Have the backbone and the dignity to stop this from dragging on any more than it already has. The sooner you terminate this relationship, the sooner you can really start to heal and move on.  

Post # 49
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

thatguy329:  I agree with Speck’s post above mine—dont wait for her to end things. You need to do this for yourself. I’m sure there are things you’ve done that could have been better.. No one is perfect, afterall. But from what I’ve read, it sounds like you’ve really been trying, and you’re doing everything you can to talk to her and figure things out, but she doesn’t reciprocate. You even said that she literally cannot have a single constructive conversation with you. And she isn’t treating you the way she should be. You deserve a lot better. 

Trust me, it should not be this hard. When you find the right person, it won’t be, and you’ll see that. Good luck. and again, please don’t sell yourself short and wait for her to end things. It’s better for both of you to end it now and stop dragging it out so that you can both heal and move on. 

Post # 50
Member
697 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You have to end this. She is emotionally and verbally abusive. She is treating you like a doormat. And quite frankly, she doesn’t sound worth the trouble. 

Post # 51
Member
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

thatguy329: I forgot to add an important point. I have greatly improved household duties and asking her about work, personal life, etc. She is giving signs of resentment because she will say “i don’t know if you’re doing this because you care, or just because you have to or i asked you to”. That right there tells me that she is completely checked out. If she can’t get that out of her head, it will never work.

Oh, OP.  That is so sad, and I am so sorry.  I don’t have any suggestions (I think you are handling this well and are doing as much as you can do right), but am just sending you good vibes and good thoughts.

Post # 52
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

BothCoasts:  I feel like you need to be an advice columnist, seriously… everytime you;’ve given me or anyone else advice it’s always been spot on and from a good mindset. 

thatguy329:  BoathCoasts is right…

Post # 53
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Speck_:  +1

The sooner you end it, the sooner you will be able to move on.  And the issues you have had with her are legit issues; the fact that she has made no attempt to change them says a lot about her and how much (or how little) she cares about your feelings.  Seriously, if she’s on the phone while you’re cuddling, that speaks volumns.  Rip the bandage off and end it now.  The right person is out there, and she will want to give you her undivided attention.

Post # 54
Member
7716 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Disagree with PPs that she’s abusive. I think this is just a case of incompatbility, doesn’t mean one person is a villain and the other is a saint. It seems like she just has fallen out of love with the OP. Thank god she realized it and started taking steps to end things before the wedding. And now that OP has had time to think, he realizes he is also has doubts. Though ending an engagement is really tough, these two are so lucky they figured out their incompatibility before they got married!

Post # 55
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’m so sorry it doesn’t seem to be working out. It seems like you already know it’s over – don’t wait for her to do it. Better to do it 2m before the wedding than 2m after – a divorce would be messier. Good luck with your future – I’m sure the right person is still out there!

Post # 56
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

thatguy329:  I feel like you have one of two options:

1) post-pone the wedding and attend couples’ counselling to help you sort through your problems and whether or not you want to stay together

2) cancel the wedding and end your relationship

 

You are both not in any position to be married at this point in time. If you both feel like you need a little guidance on a) how you can improve things or b) deciding to stay together, seeing a counsellor can help. That has to be a decision you come to together, and a counsellor can help you figure out whether you would like to give the relationship a second chance. It sounds like in the relationship you are the pursuer and she is the withdrawer when there is an argument (it seems like you want to figure it out while she does not address her grievances). This dance can be corrected, I would look into ’emotionally focused therapy’ as an option. It seems like she needs to be more direct in communicating her expectations as opposed to expecting you to read her mind. 

I am sorry you are going through this. I think the list of things that are making you have doubts can be corrected *if* you choose to give it another chance. If she sees how important it is to spend family time to you and sees the effort you put in with her family, I believe she can learn to enjoy that time as opposed to seeing it as a chore. The phone addiction, to me at least, seems like her ‘escape’ from something that is making her unhappy or apathetic in her current reality. That can be worked on together or individually. If the drunken swearing has happened on occassion and no longer takes place, that is something to let go. If it continues to happen then it obviously has to come to some sort of resolve. In my experience, I have only drunkenly sworn at someone (not my best moments) when I hold in my grievances instead of expressing them. They are bottled up and come out when I drink. This, however, is behaviour I was privvy to when I was in my early twenties and generally does not exist in my life anymore as I have lived and learned to speak up when I am upset.

 

You sound like a really caring, supportive, and loving partner and I am  sorry you are going through these issues so close to what should be a happy (and normally a little stressful) time. Something for her to look into is Sheryl Paul’s website – “Conscious Transitions”

http://conscious-transitions.com/ 

Post # 57
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

duplicate

Post # 58
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

thatguy329:  

OP I am so sorry you are going through this. You obviously are doing everything you can (even going onto a wedding forum asking [mostly] women for advice) and are doing the things shes asked of you- and are met with doubt and resentment. This is not fair to you, and I feel that she is being manipulative and almost leading you on at this point. I think you are handling all of this rather well, and you are and have been genuinely trying. You seem to be coming from a good place and have thought through your feelings and are able to articulate and communicate them very well to us, so I would assume you can do/or did the same for her.

Marriage is about being there for one another for better or worse. Being strong when the other cannot – and that goes both ways. She is expecting you to be a mind reader and forsee what problems or stress she may have, without having to tell you. And then when/if she does tell you, and you make a conscious effort to be supportive it’s not good enough.

I can relate to your ex-FI in the sense that wedding planning is very stressful and that its hard when the other person is going through things with work etc causing them to not be as supportive as they need to be. My Fiance recently had to change jobs 3 times since January due to being taken advantage of at work, his employer breaking labor laws, and them not paying him what they said they would. With our wedding being in May, as you can imagine this was very stressful and hard on us both having financial instability and possibly not even able to get the time off for our actual wedding & honeymoon. I was also going through some issues at work n because he was working nearly 12-14 hours 6 days a week for a good month I found myself mostly supporting him, without getting too much support with my job stress, wedding planning, caring for the house & dogs. But the difference between me and your ex-FI is that I understood that right now – he needs me to be strong for him, and he would do the same for me tables turned – I never felt neglected or that he didnt care for me, I just felt that he needed me right now more than I needed him. I do not resent him and our relationship is actually stronger than before.

This is what being in a marriage is about.
Weathering the storms together under one umbrella, instead of taking it for yourself while you get mad at the other person for getting wet.

I believe that you should end the relationship instead of waiting for her to do so if you feel that it is over. You’re right that is does seem as if she has checked out and is no longer interested in making things work as she rebuffs all of your attempts to do so.

I don’t know the other side, or the entire history of your relationship, however – This issue was not and should not have been the ‘end all be all’. Marriage is about working together as a team and never giving up on one another, and I feel that she’s given up on you and your relationship after one bump in the road. I know that you mention there are other issues, but from my perspective, there are only a few things in marriage that are hard stop; cheating and abuse (mentally and physically).. everything else is just life and can be sorted out if BOTH people are equally invested in the relationship and BOTH people want it to work. She is not strong enough for marriage it seems.. and you don’t deserve that. You are lucky you figured this out prior to saying “I Do”.

 The couples that are truly meant to be together are those who go through everything that’s supposed to tear them apart, and come out even stronger.

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