(Closed) Help! My friend is setting herself up for trouble with a married guy.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@TexasSpringBride:  I wouldn’t recommend a book but perhaps a heart to heart talk to her. First of all, I’ve never been married nor do I have children but I’m in complete shock that a father suggested that he wish he’d had children with another woman than the one he shares a child with. That’s just really strange to me?! Or maybe that’s a common form of munipulation.  She can’t possibly be so naive that she perceives it as okay to have a verbal relationship with a man who is married?  Just talk to her. Good luck.

Post # 4
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@TexasSpringBride:  Oh boy…that sounds terrible…and you are a good friend, even if your friend doesn’t know it.

I’ve always been the kind of person to love and support people, even if they’re about to shoot themselves in the foot with a nailgun, but I never interfere…why you ask?  Because I’m their friend, not their mother, not their guardian, not their teacher and certainly not their therapist.  

I’ve found in my own experience, that the best friends, to me, weren’t the ones that told me what to do, or not to do. But the ones that stuck with me regardless, watched as all Hell  broke loose, complete with the toilet backing up, the dog horking on the sofa and me running out of paper towels, then and only then, while I was sitting in the middle of my living room, crying, surrounded by all kinds of god knows what, do they show up with a smile, a shop vac and a six pack of beer to help clean it all up, get me back on my feet and ready for another round in the ring…

Your friend is headed straight for a dead end relationship where she will literally wait for Christ to come to Moscow before that man leaves his wife, and until she gets that, there’s nothing and no one that can tell her otherwise…it’s powerful attractant, being “needed” by someone so intensly…short of telling this guy’s wife what he’s really up to, there’s not a whole lot to be done, and I wouldn’t guarantee that’ll change much anyway.  Odds are good his wife knows already and either doesn’t care, or is too wrapped up in his manipulation to do much about it herself….either way, she’s headed straight into the fire, stock up on extinguishers and be ready to put her out when she asks you to.

Post # 7
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@TexasSpringBride:  Well, it’s time for him to break her heart right and proper and for her to figure out whe she left in the first place…it’s going to be REALLY painful to watch, terribly ugly and on par with a six hour autopsy with character assasination and crying…and I get not telling her, “Get in there, cause this is awesome!”  I just don’t want to you waste emtional energy trying to save someone who’d rather drown just now….you take care of yourself, tell yourself this is not your area and maintain healthy boundaries because this one is a life changer for women like her.

Post # 8
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@nona99:  +1

At this point you’ve done all you can and the only thing you’re going to do by keeping at this issue with her is to make her feel like she can’t come to you with anything because all she gets is “lectures”. I KNOW you love her and you’re trying to help her avoid something nasty, but she needs to learn her own lessons. You’re only going to alienate her if you keep pushing. I know this because I had the same thing with a girlfriend who was in a relationship with a controlling freak. In the end she felt she had noone to turn to. Don’t do that to her. I’d recommend keeping your mouth shut and ONLY telling her that no matter what happens, you’ll be her port in a storm. It sucks seeing people hurt themselves and set themselves up for a fall (because that’s what she’s doing), but you can’t do anything about it. 🙁

Post # 9
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@TexasSpringBride:  You can’t control other people. Just let your thoughts be known and don’t do anything to enable the situation.

Post # 11
Member
3063 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

As somebody who has had a self distructing friend in the past, I can tell you that you have done all you can. You’ve pointed out the cold hard truth and she refuses to listen and refuses to do anything to fix herself. If I were you, I would either move on from the friendship (which is what I did) or just let the process of her bad decisions play out. Purchasing her a book on the subject is a nice thought but you’re wasting your time and money. It will either sit there gathering dust or if she reads it she will be in such self denial that she will think the material doesn’t apply to her.

Post # 13
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Gosh he is manipulating her terribly i feel bad for her and for his current wife. If things really are that bad between him and his wife thrn he may be being genuine, but saying that he really needs to end things with his wife.

@Janaic88:  People always wish that they had children with someone else other than thier ex partner. People regret thier past a lot in life.

 

Post # 14
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@TexasSpringBride:  Don’t be silly – you are NOT being a bad friend! It’s good to tell it like it is because sometimes people need to hear it! That’s a GOOD thing! You are a GOOD friend! The issue here is that you’ve told her over and over again, and she’s not listening to you. That makes her an idiot. I’m just saying that if you keep telling her your opinion over and over again, she will stop giving you the opportunity to tell her things she doesn’t want to hear. She will pull away and that will leave her with noone. She’ll figure it out eventually…..the question is whether you want her to feel like she still has you when she needs you. I kept at it with my friend and lost a friendship because of it. I don’t want you to go through the same thing. If I had just backed up and let my friend make her mistakes and just helped her pick up the pieces, we’d STILL be friends. It’s good you told her what’s up, but you can’t make her actually listen to your advice and actually take it. 😉

Post # 16
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@TexasSpringBride:  ugh, what a douchbag “X” is.  I don’t think there is any magic for your friend until she sees the truth herself.  And, at the rate “X” is going, he’s built up quite the cozy outlet.  I have to believe your friend knows deep down that what she is doing is wrong (hence not telling her parents or her psychiatrist).  I’d enourage her to confide about her situation in her counseling sessions and maybe spin it (if you don’t think it’s wrong, why don’t you seek another opinion in the confidential setting of therapy).  For now, you are talking to a brick wall.  🙁

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