(Closed) Help! My husband puts his mother's needs before mine!

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3327 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Actions speak louder than words. He says he puts you first, but refuses counselling? Not cool.

Post # 3
Member
1035 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I don’t really get with what’s wrong with their relationship. He likes to talk to and help his mom, when she’s going through a divorce?

Because of this, you think something is wrong with your marriage and you need counselling? Will you suggest counselling if you think you come first?

 

i don’t get the blaming part. Huh? 

Post # 4
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

Asking or telling him to stop talking to his mother will only backfire on you so that you are always the bad guy and he will resent you for it. Plus, you don’t really want to drive a wedge between him and his mother, you just want him to value you, take responsibility and prioritize your relationship. Instead, divert his attention. Actively help him find work. When he snaps out of the comfort zone of helping his mom and back to being a husband and provider, the constant communication with his mother might even out. 

Post # 5
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

This is temporary. She is in need at the moment, but she wont always be. Just try to be supportive, and in time she will heal.

Post # 6
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee

Nope. This is not normal. It’s very nice that your husband is concerned about his mother, but he isn’t married to her. He doesn’t need to know the intricacies of their divorce. Counseling, stat. 

 

Post # 7
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Sorry OP, I’m not sure what’s wrong with this. His mom is going through a divorce and needs him even more than ever now. DH and I both speak to our moms daily and I’m encouraging of him visitng her and making sure she doesn’t need anything.  I think you need to stop trying to place a wedge between them and instead support both hubby and Mother-In-Law. Hopefully they’ll both appreciate it and be even more grateful to have you in their lives. 

Post # 8
Member
2320 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I don’t really see what you’re so upset about. He’s helping his mum through a temporary tough time. You said it wasn’t like this before, it shouldn’t be after either.

I’d be proud my husband cared so much about helping his family.

Post # 9
Member
1035 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
beebee1983 :  I think a divorce affects the children no matter how old they are. Maybe they have inheritance, property…. Who knows what,  to talk about. Even if they have nothing, maybe the child (the husband in this case) will have provide housing for example for one parent after the divorce. Divorces are complicated and I think it’s good that the husband is providing support. Sometimes we need someone to bring in different ideas.

Post # 10
Member
2403 posts
Buzzing bee

I was this person for my mother when my parents got divorced, and I also sometimes feel as though my husband puts his mother’s needs above my own, so I definitely see both sides here.

Was your husband like this before his parent’s divorce? You say that the divorce is dragging out. I would wait until the divorce is officially final, and then maybe 3 more months, to give him time to help his mom through this (I wouldn’t stop talking about it, I just wouldn’t make too many demands until then). After that point, I would have a conversation with him about boundaries, and come up with some together that you can agree on. If he doesn’t stick to those boundaries – counseling. 

Post # 11
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
cherryberrypie :  It’s unfair for the child to be a sounding board for his parents’ divorce. That would potentially affect his relationship with his father. Surely she has friends/relatives who are not her son to talk about this with? Or a counselor? 

Trust me, this won’t be temporary. This with be OP’s new normal. And he definitely shouldn’t be providing housing for a parent unless his wife is on board with it. 

Post # 12
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

There is no way for you to protest about this now without looking like the bad guy.  Wait until after this blows over.  After, if your Mother-In-Law still tries to continue the pattern, THEN bring counseling back up with your husband.

Post # 13
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
vllybalgrl05 : I’m sorry but I don’t see what’s wrong here. My mother and I are VERY close and she calls me for everything. Sometimes I am out to dinner with my husband, sometimes right before bed and even during a movie at home. My husband NEVER says anything about this, and we can talk upwards of 30 minutes. It’s my family, the woman who put me into this world. As goes the same when his brother or father calls him. He spends time on the phone with him. I would be offended and pissed if this was an overly attached friend; but its his mother. I think you need to realize this woman was in his life and is always going to be in his life; you don’t want to make him choose between his mother and you….that’s unfair.

Post # 14
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I don’t think it is healthy that she relies so much on him and tells him all the details of her divorce, but if you DH doesn’t mind then I don’t see a whole lot you could at this point that isn’t fairly dramatic.  

While I don’t think there is anything super wrong with their relationship I do think it is very inconsiderate of your husband to not consider your feelings and offering to compromise at all.  If your husband cares so little about your feelings on this topic then I recommend counseling.  That could also be a good place to decide on some healthy boundaries for him to set with his mother.   For example, ask him to not answer her phone calls when you are actively doing something together (shopping, dinner, watching a movie, etc.). 

Post # 15
Member
1163 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

If you read her post, it’s been almost two years.  I’d be threatening divorce by now.  You have a Momma’s Boy for a husband and he doesn’t work?  Kick him back to live with his Mommy.

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