(Closed) help! my maid of honor got dumped!

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think that the best thing right now is to let her distance herself from the wedding planning.  Just tell her that you are there for her in her time of need and that she can go back to maid of honor duties whenever she is ready.  That way, you aren’t rubbing it in her face, and you are giving her time to heal from this horrible situation.  My heart goes out to your friend.

Post # 4
Member
1209 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would not expect a lot out of her right now. If she brings up your wedding that will give you the opportunity to talk about the planning, etc. But until then I would just talk to other bridesmaids and/or family about the planning process and give her some time (like it sounds that you are already doing). It looks like you are not getting married unitl April 2011 so she will have time to heal hopefully before your actual wedding day and the crazy part of planning when you will really need her.

I feel so bad for her! That is just terrible. Everything happens for a reason, so it will work out for the best.

Post # 5
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Sure, it’s nice and fun (and even convenient) to have our MOHs going through ‘all things wedding’ with us but I do not agree with your comment “but as you know that requires that she is involved with the planning of my wedding”; it’s completely possible to plan a wedding without a heavily involved bridal party (and I actually think deep down they prefer to NOT be heavily involved!)

It will probably be tough for you to back off a bit, esp if you & your friendship has recently been so entwined with planning your big events, but I definitely think this is a time for ‘less wedding and more friendship’; I reckon she needs a friend right now much more than you need a wedding-focused Maid/Matron of Honor.

My heart aches for your friend.

Post # 6
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Sure, it’s nice and fun (and even convenient) to have our MOHs going through ‘all things wedding’ with us but I do not agree with your comment “but as you know that requires that she is involved with the planning of my wedding”; it’s completely possible to plan a wedding without a heavily involved bridal party (and I actually think deep down they prefer to NOT be heavily involved!)

It will probably be tough for you to back off a bit, esp if you & your friendship has recently been so entwined with planning your big events, but I definitely think this is a time for ‘less wedding and more friendship’; I reckon she needs a friend right now much more than you need a wedding-focused Maid/Matron of Honor.

My heart aches for your friend.

Post # 7
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think you express exactly what you said here. Tell her how much you still love her and want her involved, but that you don’t want to do anything that will hurt her. Give her the option to back out, and let her help you when she is ready. Your wedding is a ways off, so a lot can happen between now and then. By the time the real work starts, she could be totally ready to go.

Post # 8
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I’m so sorry for your friend, and I’m sorry that you’re upset as well.  But I’m going to be perfectly honest–being your maid of honor does not mean that she has to be involved in the planning of your wedding.  Being your maid of honor means that she needs to stand up next to you at your wedding in support of your union and in support of you.  That’s it.  Everything else is a freely given, very much appreciated bonus.  So, because she sounds like a good friend, I am sure she will be there for you on your day, and she may be involved as your date gets closer, but she may not be able to.  And that’s ok.  So don’t ask anything of her, let her offer if she wants to, and when she asks how the wedding planning is going, go ahead and tell her.  None of my bridal party have helped me in any way, neither have my parents for that matter, because they all live far away, and are very busy.  And that’s fine with me.  You’re going to do great even without help!  That’s what Wedding Bee is for!

Post # 9
Member
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I actually ltend to agree with farmerfen and mrsmdphd.  My Maid/Matron of Honor is not really involved at all. She doesn’t have the time or, to be honest, the interest. I’m okay with that, she’s okay with that, so it works. You can plan a wedding with a non-involved bridal party.

I say that you have a talk with her. Tell her that you understand she’s having a hard time, that you are there to support her and that she can be as much or as little involved as she wants. In the meantime, you go ahead planning and she can come around whenever she feels ready.

Post # 10
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Agree w/ pp… I don’t expect my bridal party to be involved at all in the planning. Their only “duty” is to buy the dress and show up.. seriously.

Beyond that… I would jsut tell her exactly what you told us.

Post # 11
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

my bridal party is not involve in my planning, my moh is to far to be involve, i think that u should give her some space and when you think the time is right ask her is she still wants to be moh, be nice and tell her it is very important for you to have her in you wedding but at the same time you will understand if she dont want to take part of it… 

good luck

Post # 12
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would leave it up to her as to how involved she wants to be. I’d basically tell her how much it would mean to you to have her stand up at your wedding, but that you totally understand if she doesn’t want to be as involved in the overall planning. There’s always a chance that she might want to use your wedding as a way to distract her from her (incommunicative and jerky) ex-fiance. But I’d be hesitant to make any decisions for her on her behalf.

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