(Closed) Help! My MOH sister is not helping at all.. upset bride :(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I feel your pain! I am doing my wedding planning all alone, other than my Fiance, and it is very emotional. I have some family here, but they all have small children and I feel bad asking them to take the time to do things like dress shopping. However, at a certain point I realized I needed a friend, so I just bit the bullet and asked my SIL to help me. She was happy to!

Talk to your sister and let her know that you need moral support and a second set of eyes/ears! But make sure you have at least a couple very specific events/jobs you would like her help with.

I am not really sure what a kitchen tea is, but if you have no one to invite, don’t bother with it. Or, if your aunties, etc. are coming down for the wedding weekend, maybe organize something with them when they’re already there, rather than asking them to make a separate trip.

Post # 4
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I would graciously accept your FMIL’s offer.

Your sister may be your Maid/Matron of Honor but I think you’re asking too much of her. All MOHs should do is buy a dress and come on the day of the wedding. Everything else is icing on the cake. Expecting those things never turns out well – you have hurt feelings and she feels pressured. 

I would just tell her you’d like some emotional support. It sounds like you need someone to talk to.  

Post # 5
1006 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Firstly, what is a kitchen tea? I’m in America and we don’t have that. Is it like a bridal shower?

If you want it and Future Mother-In-Law has generously offered to do it, why not let her? How close are you with your FMIL? I’m so sorry that you lost your mother and it must be very hard right now without her. I am glad to hear that your Future Mother-In-Law is trying to help with the motherly role.
Did you speak with your sister before your hens party? I completely understand how tough it can be doing things alone. I also know very little about you and your sister, but is it possible that she either didn’t know what she was expected to do, or has so much going on in her life right now she can’t handle doing very much? Or maybe doing wedding stuff is hard for her because it reminds her so much of your Mother? How far is your sister? Can you have a heart to heart with her about how you feel lonely and since your mother is no longer with you you would appreciate her being there with you when you do _________.
I think this can be a tough one, because I don’t know the whole situation. You may feel that she is doing nothing, she may think you are expecting more than she can do. I can’t say for sure. I would think the best thing to do would be to talk to her, not in an accusatory way like “you aren’t doing anything for me! I expect you to do all this stuff for my day” (Not that you would, again I don’t know you at all and not saying I think you are like this, I’m just saying I know people can get angry when they are upset sometimes and I know that makes people really defensive) But more of a trying to understand where she is coming from and why this is happening. “You know doing this wedding planning makes me really miss Mom and makes me wish she were here. I know she did X with you for your wedding and since she no longer can for me it would mean a lot if you were there for X.” Or something to show her how you feel.

Post # 6
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@prahajess:  Aussie version of a bridal shower






@Del_M:  let your Future Mother-In-Law host it. She may want to invite ladies from her side of the family – which is ok , they’ll be your family soon too!




It really sucks that your sister isn’t helping you during this special time, you’d think she would want to step up because your mum isn’t there. 


It depends on your relationship too though.  If she’s always been aloof with you, your wedding won’t make her change. 


She sounds like a jerk, to be honest; getting annoyed that your hens night is before her birthday party, and changing it so her event is before yours… super childish. Don’t expect anything from your sister,  and you won’t be disappointed.




Good luck, you have your Fiance , he sounds awesome and just the kind of person you need 🙂





Post # 7
1270 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

Say something to your sister, and demote her if need be. Also, let your Future Mother-In-Law host you a tea party.

Post # 10
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Ah, I’m so sorry to hear about yours sister’s attitude. 🙁

I guess I’d go with the PP’s comment about not expecting anything from her and therefore not being disappointed. 

But I would like to mention one thing: your sister is being extremely mean-spirited when she tries to disparage your FMIL’s offer to host the kitchen tea. Your sister of ALL people should either be hosting it, or shutting up. 🙁 That made me really grumpy. Also TAKE ADVANTAGE of being your FMIL’s daughter!!!! You’re really very lucky to have a good relationship with this woman. Embrace that relationship! Say yes to the tea! Have her MORE involved in your wedding. 

Post # 12
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Del_M:  She’s 15 years older than you with 3 teen/preteen kids. I’m not surprised she has no time to help. And no interest, because she’s at a different stage of life. I’m so sorry that your mother won’t be there when she was for your sister, but that’s not your sister’s fault. (That doesn’t excuse her tantruming over her birthday, or criticising FMIL’s gracious kitchen tea offer, but you can’t expect a mum of 3 kids to help with your wedding).

I would plan the wedding assuming no help from her. Your Fiance should be helping, and it sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law is too. So you’re not alone.

To be honest I’d give her the option of skipping your hens’ night, because she probably has little in common with your friends. Given that your other Bridesmaid or Best Man is so far away, planning it yourself is probably ok.

Post # 13
1651 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with this, it can be hard when your mother is n’t hear and you’re far away from family and friends. Unfortunately that might be the plight for some people – i did ALL my wedding planning basically alone. Really alone. It sucks. My mother didn’t like my Darling Husband and people stepped in last minute but it’s hard. Also, people have busy lives! Your sister has three children and I imagine that likely takes up a lot of her time. Justified or not, you probably can’t expect much out of her at this point.


I would say take up your FMIL’s offer for the kitchen tea, she sounds great, and then just go on planning expecting that most of this will have to come from you. No one is ever going to care as much about your wedding as you would and it takes a lot of TIME that people just don’t have.


Good luck!!!

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