Post # 1
My Maid/Matron of Honor sister has not been very helpful with my wedding at all. Our mum passed away 2 years ago and I thought that she would step up and help me with everything, but shes been the opposite. Unless its something that involves her eg. dress shopping, she hasnt helped at all.
She hasnt organised anything with my hens party (I organised everything. My other bridesmaid tried to help but she lives 12 hours away and doesnt know the area). She actually got upset when I planned the party 10 days after her birthday so now she is having her birthday party on the friday night. (my hens night was going to be a sat/sun thing, but ive cut it short because 3 days is too much!) And whenever Ive gone home to try and organise things and asked her come along eg. watching a band.. she wouldnt come.
Im also having troubles with a kitchen tea. I thought my sister would offer to host it as my mum hosted hers but she hasnt even mentioned it. My Future Mother-In-Law has offered to host one for me but whenever I think about it i get upset because I dont have a mum to host one for me and realistically I dont have anyone to invite… I dont have a mum or grandparents, and my aunties all live too far away. If I say yes, who do I invite?
I live 4 hours away from any family or friends and I just feel so lonely and upset with everything.. the only thing that stops me crying everynight is that I have the best fiance in the world and thats why im doing all this.
Do I say something to my sister? Do I let Future Mother-In-Law host a kitchen tea for me? Does everyone else get this emotional!?!?!?!
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I feel your pain! I am doing my wedding planning all alone, other than my Fiance, and it is very emotional. I have some family here, but they all have small children and I feel bad asking them to take the time to do things like dress shopping. However, at a certain point I realized I needed a friend, so I just bit the bullet and asked my SIL to help me. She was happy to!
Talk to your sister and let her know that you need moral support and a second set of eyes/ears! But make sure you have at least a couple very specific events/jobs you would like her help with.
I am not really sure what a kitchen tea is, but if you have no one to invite, don’t bother with it. Or, if your aunties, etc. are coming down for the wedding weekend, maybe organize something with them when they’re already there, rather than asking them to make a separate trip.
Post # 4
I would graciously accept your FMIL’s offer.
Your sister may be your Maid/Matron of Honor but I think you’re asking too much of her. All MOHs should do is buy a dress and come on the day of the wedding. Everything else is icing on the cake. Expecting those things never turns out well – you have hurt feelings and she feels pressured.
I would just tell her you’d like some emotional support. It sounds like you need someone to talk to.
Post # 5
Firstly, what is a kitchen tea? I’m in America and we don’t have that. Is it like a bridal shower?
If you want it and Future Mother-In-Law has generously offered to do it, why not let her? How close are you with your FMIL? I’m so sorry that you lost your mother and it must be very hard right now without her. I am glad to hear that your Future Mother-In-Law is trying to help with the motherly role.
Did you speak with your sister before your hens party? I completely understand how tough it can be doing things alone. I also know very little about you and your sister, but is it possible that she either didn’t know what she was expected to do, or has so much going on in her life right now she can’t handle doing very much? Or maybe doing wedding stuff is hard for her because it reminds her so much of your Mother? How far is your sister? Can you have a heart to heart with her about how you feel lonely and since your mother is no longer with you you would appreciate her being there with you when you do _________.
I think this can be a tough one, because I don’t know the whole situation. You may feel that she is doing nothing, she may think you are expecting more than she can do. I can’t say for sure. I would think the best thing to do would be to talk to her, not in an accusatory way like “you aren’t doing anything for me! I expect you to do all this stuff for my day” (Not that you would, again I don’t know you at all and not saying I think you are like this, I’m just saying I know people can get angry when they are upset sometimes and I know that makes people really defensive) But more of a trying to understand where she is coming from and why this is happening. “You know doing this wedding planning makes me really miss Mom and makes me wish she were here. I know she did X with you for your wedding and since she no longer can for me it would mean a lot if you were there for X.” Or something to show her how you feel.
Post # 6
@prahajess: Aussie version of a bridal shower
@Del_M: let your Future Mother-In-Law host it. She may want to invite ladies from her side of the family – which is ok , they’ll be your family soon too!
It really sucks that your sister isn’t helping you during this special time, you’d think she would want to step up because your mum isn’t there.
It depends on your relationship too though. If she’s always been aloof with you, your wedding won’t make her change.
She sounds like a jerk, to be honest; getting annoyed that your hens night is before her birthday party, and changing it so her event is before yours… super childish. Don’t expect anything from your sister, and you won’t be disappointed.
Good luck, you have your Fiance , he sounds awesome and just the kind of person you need 🙂
Post # 7
Say something to your sister, and demote her if need be. Also, let your Future Mother-In-Law host you a tea party.
Post # 8
A kitchen tea is an afternoon tea where all the older female family members and friends get together and give the bride small kitchen items, usually wrapped up in a tea towel eg. ice cream scoop, grater etc. I guess its an old fashioned tradition that is still popular in Australia… and my Future Mother-In-Law is lovely.. She even came dress shopping with me. Ive decided that Im the daughther she never had because she had 3 sons.. lol I really want to except her offer but Im afraid it will make me too upset (traditionally the mother of the bride hosts it.. which my sister made a point of stating when Future Mother-In-Law hosted one for my fiances brothers wife).
I probably should have explained my sister and I dont really have a traditional sister relationship. SHe is 15 years older than me and has always been like a second mum. She does have 3 kids but they are older (10,12 and 14) and the youngest is my jnr bridesmaid and cant get enough of wedding things! (She’s such a sweetheart.. I bought her jnr bridesmaid dress and she told me that whenever she looks at it in her cupboard she desperately wants to wear it).
Maybe I am being unreasonable… I think I probably expected everyone to try and help to fill the void. Esp cos my Dad wont do anything i ask of him because he has a new gf and everyone is very icy about it..
And final bitch about my sister….. he husband’s niece got married a few weeks ago in the town where I live (5hrs from her place), and she refused to go because she doesnt like the bride or her mum. I tried to convince her because I wanted to see her and the kids but I couldnt sway her.
We are spending xmas at her house.. i’ll probably cry lol
Arhhh its all such a drama ;(
Post # 9
@Lfly: very childish.. she even did the “I may as well not have a party”. its her 40th.
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Ah, I’m so sorry to hear about yours sister’s attitude. 🙁
I guess I’d go with the PP’s comment about not expecting anything from her and therefore not being disappointed.
But I would like to mention one thing: your sister is being extremely mean-spirited when she tries to disparage your FMIL’s offer to host the kitchen tea. Your sister of ALL people should either be hosting it, or shutting up. 🙁 That made me really grumpy. Also TAKE ADVANTAGE of being your FMIL’s daughter!!!! You’re really very lucky to have a good relationship with this woman. Embrace that relationship! Say yes to the tea! Have her MORE involved in your wedding.
Post # 11
@iloverocks: I cant demote her.. Ive only got 2 and Ive already dumped 1 bridesmaid! We drove 4 hrs to her place to go dress shopping but she partied all night before and was too hungover to come. When I eventually got her to put on dresses she wasnt interested. But I think she found the whole thing overwhelming because she was relieved when I asked her to just come as my friend.. and we are still bffs. I think she thought it was going to be too hard for her considering the circumstances.
omg i sound like such a bridezilla! or im just having the worst time…….
Post # 12
@Del_M: She’s 15 years older than you with 3 teen/preteen kids. I’m not surprised she has no time to help. And no interest, because she’s at a different stage of life. I’m so sorry that your mother won’t be there when she was for your sister, but that’s not your sister’s fault. (That doesn’t excuse her tantruming over her birthday, or criticising FMIL’s gracious kitchen tea offer, but you can’t expect a mum of 3 kids to help with your wedding).
I would plan the wedding assuming no help from her. Your Fiance should be helping, and it sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law is too. So you’re not alone.
To be honest I’d give her the option of skipping your hens’ night, because she probably has little in common with your friends. Given that your other Bridesmaid or Best Man is so far away, planning it yourself is probably ok.
Post # 13
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with this, it can be hard when your mother is n’t hear and you’re far away from family and friends. Unfortunately that might be the plight for some people – i did ALL my wedding planning basically alone. Really alone. It sucks. My mother didn’t like my Darling Husband and people stepped in last minute but it’s hard. Also, people have busy lives! Your sister has three children and I imagine that likely takes up a lot of her time. Justified or not, you probably can’t expect much out of her at this point.
I would say take up your FMIL’s offer for the kitchen tea, she sounds great, and then just go on planning expecting that most of this will have to come from you. No one is ever going to care as much about your wedding as you would and it takes a lot of TIME that people just don’t have.