HELP-My mom does not want MIL to go dress shopping with us

posted 2 weeks ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Both your fiance and your mother are out of line in my opinion, but what’s done is done. How about you go shopping with your mom to one boutique and your mother in law to another, and if you find a dress you love at one of them then you can take the other one along to see it for the official “say yes” moment?

Post # 3
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Your mother reacted badly but your Mother-In-Law shouldn’t have asked – and certainly not through your fiancé. It’s generally accepted to be a mother/daughter thing unless the Mother-In-Law is specifically INVITED. If she wants to be involved it’s perfectly acceptable to do so on the grooms side of things, so she can go with him to choose his attire. 

Post # 4
Member
274 posts
Helper bee

weddingstress06 :  Your fiance just tossed you a huge red flag by name calling you and guilt tripping you into allowing his mother somewhere she is not entitled to be. Go apologize to your mom and then tell your fiance that your mom wants to have a special memory with her daughter before the wedding. He can tell his mom whatever he wants, not your problem. Your fiance should be putting you first and respecting that you wanted to go alone with your mom. He should not be trying to push his mom’s agenda.

Post # 5
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

Yeah, both your mother and fiance are being rude here. I’m sorry bee! I compromised by going to the first salon alone with my mom, then will be inviting my Mother-In-Law and Maid/Matron of Honor along with my mom to the rest of the salons (I knew I wasn’t going to say yes to a dress in my first appointment). Would she be more open to that?

Post # 6
Member
3009 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Agree with PP that doing the first trip alone with your mom, and then a second one with your Mother-In-Law included would be the best solution to this as long as you’re genuinely fine with your Mother-In-Law going. Your mom doesn’t get to dictate YOUR dress buying experience, though. Do not let her take over the appointment. 

Post # 7
Member
1841 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

I would talk to my mom and let her know that both my future mother in law and my mom would be coming with me dress shopping. When I went dress shopping that’s what I did and it worked out perfectly 

Post # 8
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee

“Selfish” is a loaded term and inappropriate here. Your Fiance should not have bullied you like that. Do you actually want her there or are you too afraid of what your Fiance and his mom might say? My MIl tried that shit but I shut it down bc I didnt want her there. At all. No regrets. 

Post # 9
Member
4149 posts
Honey bee

weddingstress06 :  “basically my mom has always dreamed of going wedding dress shopping just the two of us.“

I understand that was your mother’s wish, but what was yours? Did you only want it to be the 2 of you?

Post # 10
Member
1052 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

If you don’t want her there just tell them you want a special mother daughter moment. If you can’t say that then say you called and they have requested you only have one attendant due to space limitations.

Post # 11
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly I feel like your mom was out of line. Just because shes always dreamed of it being that one way doesn’t mean that’s reality and gets to dictate how it pans out. It’s inappropriate for her to have a say on how you manage your relationship with your future in laws.

FWIW, I don’t think Mother-In-Law are entitled to attend, however, unless the relationship is severely strained with her I think its pretty inconsiderate to exclude her. Getting married is bringing 2 families together, and I do think it is selfish to not include her IF there is not strained relationship. It’s called common courtesy to invite her.

I too had this same opinion, then realized how hurt my Mother-In-Law was going to be by not including her, and how hurt my husband was that I didn’t see why she should be invited. She didn’t want a say in my dress, she just wanted to be included in some sort of dress shopping experience. And I took her one day with my mom too, then went out another day with just my mom and I and that was as actually when I found my dress.

Post # 12
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I invited both my mother and my mother in law, they also really like each other. But key word there: I invited. Your fiancé doesn’t get to invite whoever he wants along to your special moment.

Your mother’s reaction was a little dramatic but she’s entitled to her feelings, especially if you’re her only daughter. I worry how the relationship between the two families will be going forward if she feels that strongly about her coming. 

Post # 13
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

weddingstress06 :  Tell your mother in law that it will be just your mom and yourself and that it’s a special thing between your mom and yourself. She is not your mom. She isn’t even technically family yet.

Your Mother-In-Law should have spoken with you directly, not through your fiance. 

Your fiance was out of line and rude calling your mom selfish and needs to back the f up.

You can’t please everyone, you are not pizza. You don’t need to appease everyone. It isn’t about your mom or your mother in law it’s about you. But, your mom gave birth to you and raised you and is ‘giving you away’ so to speak. Go dress shopping with her alone at least the first time. 

Post # 14
Member
4039 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I was in a similar situation though not as drama filled as this turned out (your Fiance was really out of line here and it’s not up to him to tell you who you should invite).

I had a feeling my mom wanted it to just be me and her shopping so what I did was invited her out to David’s bridal to just really have fun, try on different shapes and shades of dresses to see what looked good on me. She and I had a fun day.

Then I made an appt at a boutique near my house and this time I invited my Mother-In-Law, Maid/Matron of Honor, sister in law and my mom. This was the day I was seriously looking and I ended up buying the first dress I tried on that day. It was nice celebrating with everyone there and I am glad they all got to come along and experience the day with me. Maybe you do something similar to keep everyone happy? 

Post # 15
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee

I feel bad for you simply because you are clearly surrounded by people on all sides who don’t care what YOU want and are manipulating you to do what they all want. Your fiancé is an asshole for saying your mom is selfish. Your mom is being super over dramatic crying about having to share the moment. Your Mother-In-Law is being pushy and manipulative by asking your fiancé to request her going. Your MIl didn’t ask you directly which is bullshit. Someone with a normal request would directly ask the person involved, not play telephone through someone else. 

Step back and think about what YOU want. Who do you want there for YOUR special moment picking a dress? That is your answer. Since you are surrounded by people who think they get to push you around you need to set up boundaries now. Your mom can’t cry and push you to do things with her reactions. Your Mother-In-Law needs to speak to you directly if she wants something from you. Your fiancé needs to be your biggest supporter and be ready to stand by your decisions to his mom, not jump on his moms bandwagon. 

My boyfriend would never call my mother selfish. He knows how rude and innapropriate that would be. My mom would never cry about not getting to do something with me. She is an adult capable of expressing her feelings normally. 

Realize these people in your life are being manipulative. They probably aren’t capable of change. So it is on you to protect yourself and put up boundaries to ensure that your life isn’t spent making them happy. 

 

weddingstress06 :  

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