Post # 1
This may end up being a long post – my apologies in advance. I want to start by saying I haven’t been a bridezilla throughout this process and never intended to be one. My parents knew of my fiance and my engagement well before I did when they helped him choose a ring and offered the day of our engagement to plan and pay for our wedding. My mother was really excited as she had planned my older brother/his wife’s wedding, one of my cousins was recently married, and another is getting married in June. I’m a very relaxed bride but understand how much things cost so I’ve become a bit more apologetic as we’ve gone on but nothing extreme has come up. The other day my mother (seriously) freaked out about something I was unaware of being a “thing” and I decided this was the last straw.
I informed my mother that the best man, my fiance, my maid of honour, and I were going to choose tuxes next Saturday and I was so excited. She said “Oh, you didn’t invite your father?” My response was that I didn’t know I was supposed to, but I would love if they were to join because everyone adores them. I told her what time and it seemed as if I was in the clear. Flash forward an hour or so later and my mother calls me, nearly belligerent, claiming that I purposefully excluded my father and threw out a few “how dare you”s and “you’re an ungrateful child” for good measure. She was up in arms that I would exclude my father who was spending a great deal of money. I was so taken aback because my father is a shy person and I was seriously unaware that it was etiquette to invite the bride’s father to the tux rental – Even if it were, I didn’t think he would want to come. I told my mother I was unaware of that particular tradition as I had not seen it online or in any books, apologized again, and asked what I could do to make up for it. She screamed that there was nothing I could do and I was at a loss for words. My mother has always been one to exaggerate and fly off the handle, but, this was extreme, even for her.
My mother then proceeded to call again, leave an enraged voicemail when I wouldn’t answer, and then group texted my fiance and I with claims that she was (sarcastically) “so sorry” to impede on her “perfect child” and my life, and -my personal favorite- that she “couldn’t believe how much she f*cked up my perfect life”. I have no idea where these thoughts and feelings have come from. Another half hour passes and she texts us both “the money will follow”.
My feelings are that my mother resents me (this has been a theme in the past) and this was her opportunity to express these emotions. I, in no way, wanted a big wedding nor did I want her money for a wedding. She so graciously offered and I felt it was a wise decision being a full-time student and employee with little additional funding. I honestly do not care if she revokes her money and offer to fund the wedding but what I am worried about are the non-refundable deposits she’s made and how this will impact our future relationship. Actually, I’m more concerned about our future relationship and how this out-of-the-blue freak out moment could be a defining factor. I don’t know how to respond, when to respond, if I should respond, or if I should finally tell her that I’m done with this behavior and she can keep her money.
Post # 2
Lol tell her that you’d love for her to be a part of your wedding and that you and your fiance will plan and pay for. That should get her emotionally invested in the wedding but there’s no doubt as to your intentions–that you want her there as your mother and not as a cash cow.
Post # 3
I am not saying she was right for flying off the handle but at the same time, she may feel some sense of entitlement to how things are run since they are funding the gig. I would talk with her about this issue in order to avoid a rift developing, but If it were me I would plan for the wedding that I could afford without help from my parents or anyone else for that matter. after talking with her she could very well say she is still going to pay for it and then something else happen to piss her off in the future, even closer to your wedding and you end up royally screwed. She has shown that she has the ability to make rash statements/decisions when upset, I wouldnt want to be walking on egg shells around her for the rest of the time. My vote is for yes respond to her but also plan an alternative wedding (ie- one you finance yourself).
Post # 4
It doesn’t seem very out of the blue since you mentioned she’s acted in a similar manner to you in the past, or at least expressed similar feelings. She sounds emotionally abusive. The things she said to you are exactly what my Future Mother-In-Law says to my Fiance when she gets mad at him, even for something as little as not answering his phone, and she’s 100% emotionally abusive. We cut her out of our lives…
If she’s expressed these feelings to you before, you shouldn’t worry how this affects your relationship with her. It’s likely something like this will happen again, and it’s not healthy.
Post # 5
I think the best choice would be to show up at your father’s work when he gets off tomorrow, you have to catch him alone without your mother. Talk to him, apologize directly, and figure out if this was an actual concern or if your mom is legit crazy.
Mothers+daughters have a complicated relationship. I’m sure this is a combination of her menopause,being jealous of your youth and happiness, and her feeling abandoned because you’re getting married and ‘leaving the nest”. But she clearly has control issues most of all.
Post # 6
As difficult as it may be, I suggest trying not to engage your mother – try not to let her see how upset she makes you. Practice saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” and nothing more.
Also I suggest googling “daughters of narcissistic mothers.” your mom may not fall into that category but there are some great coping techniques which may help you to deal with her manipulation.
Wishing you the best – stay strong.
Post # 7
I think you should continue the wedding as plan with the same vendors your parents already paid for and than pay the rest of the money yourselves. Don’t let your parent have any more say in the wedding planning. After the wedding is over pay your parents back for the money they already spent on the deposit.
Post # 8
Give her a few days to settle down. its probably just wedding stress.
Post # 9
I’m a mom. We flip the hell out sometimes. There’s no rhyme or reason to it.
Talk to Dad. He’s accustomed to it and he’ll know how to smooth things over.
Say Pops, yo, Mom is freaking out (again), I don’t know why. I had no idea picking out tuxedos was something you were interested in or wanted to do. I am soooooooo sorry. Of course you’re welcome to come, I really didn’t think you’d care!
He’ll handle things and make sure she gets back on her meds. All will be well. I promise.
Post # 10
I think you should talk to your dad directly. Tell him exactly the truth. “Oops, I’m sorry.” Then mom looks even more like a nut bar and will have to calm down. Also then you and your dad are all good. As for mom, you already apologized and explained. I would call her on her shit. Don’t allow her to get away with that bullshit behaviour over money or because she’s your mom. I would say “Mom I already apologized, dad and I have resolved the situation between us”. If she brings up not contributing, only say ” I respect your decision” and give no emotional reaction.
Post # 12
Here is what I would do–as she sounds like my mother when she has a hissy fit. I would discuss this with your father and apologize to him in person directly. Give them both some time cool down. I decided a long time ago that this type of behavior was not something I would allow. I made that choice and I am much happier because of it. I was taking my mother’s hissy fits to heart and took me a long time to realize that not everything was my fault.
Anyway, if that doesn’t work, plan your own wedding. Invite them, but understand that her behavior will not be tolerated. That’s my two cents.
Post # 13
Are you sure she isn’t upset because your dad has to get a tux for the wedding and you excluded him in the very activity that he needs to do?
Otherwise I would put it down to her being offended because they are paying. I mean you invited your Maid/Matron of Honor to come and have a say but not the people actually funding the wedding?
Post # 14
I would honestly say that at this point, the very best thing would be to sit down and have a real heart to heart with your mom. She’s your mom after all. She’s not just funding the wedding, she has a whole set of emotional investment going on as well. Sure it’s not her wedding. But shes experiencing a range of motions through all this herself as well. It’s a stressful time and not just for the bride.
I am learning this very lesson for myself right now too. I’m in a situation very similar to yours and my mom, bless her heart, is as worried about the whole thing as I am. At first I didn’t understand why she was getting upset about little things that I seriously didn’t think were a bit deal or worth mentioning sometimes. Turns out that she just has a different idea of weddings than I do. Some things that I don’t care much about are things she feels left out of when I don’t mention.
It caused tension, for sure. But we’ve had a lot of talks and I’ve been working at making sure she feels included, even when I’m doing things that are just tasks to check off for me.
Its not neccesrily the things I would want to be called for but hey, I’m not the mother of the bride and I can’t even imagine what putting on this whole show would be like from her perspective so I’m just learning (slowly sometimes) and going with it.
Talk to her, it’ll work out. Everyone is dealing with a lot of stuff and sometimes it all comes out wrong. It’s worth figuring out what small sacrifices you can both make to make it work.
Good luck with everything. When I started planning this wedding, I had NO idea the things I would learn about myself and everyone around me! It’s more of a life lesson than it is publicly given credit for 😉
Post # 15
I agree, talk to Dad. My mum has on the odd occasion flown off taking personally something so incredibly insignificant and not in the slightest way personal. Its irrational and theres no explanation except (imo) personal insecurities or making a distant connection to something from the past she has never quite let go.
Chances are she’s voiced things to Dad and he will have some idea how to appease things. Give it a few more days to settle down and hopefully then you can have a good conversation with her!