(Closed) HELP! My mom freaked/may cancel wedding

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I respond to my mother?

    No - wait for her to reach out

    No - start planning an alternative wedding

    Yes - but let her know this is not tolerable

    Yes - apologize and carry on

    Yes - start planning an alternative wedding

  • Post # 2
    Member
    1165 posts
    Bumble bee

    Lol tell her that you’d love for her to be a part of your wedding and that you and your fiance will plan and pay for.  That should get her emotionally invested in the wedding but there’s no doubt as to your intentions–that you want her there as your mother and not as a cash cow. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    985 posts
    Busy bee

    I am not saying she was right for flying off the handle but at the same time, she may feel some sense of entitlement to how things are run since they are funding the gig.  I would talk with her about this issue in order to avoid a rift developing, but If it were me I would plan for the wedding that I could afford without help from my parents or anyone else for that matter. after talking with her she could very well say she is still going to pay for it and then something else happen to piss her off in the future, even closer to your wedding and you end up royally screwed. She has shown that she has the ability to make rash statements/decisions when upset, I wouldnt want to be walking on egg shells around her for the rest of the time. My vote is for yes respond to her but also plan an alternative wedding (ie- one you finance yourself). 

    Post # 4
    Member
    7151 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    It doesn’t seem very out of the blue since you mentioned she’s acted in a similar manner to you in the past, or at least expressed similar feelings. She sounds emotionally abusive. The things she said to you are exactly what my Future Mother-In-Law says to my Fiance when she gets mad at him, even for something as little as not answering his phone, and she’s 100% emotionally abusive.  We cut her out of our lives…

    If she’s expressed these feelings to you before, you shouldn’t worry how this affects your relationship with her. It’s likely something like this will happen again, and it’s not healthy.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1760 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I think the best choice would be to show up at your father’s work when he gets off tomorrow, you have to catch him alone without your mother. Talk to him, apologize directly, and figure out if this was an actual concern or if your mom is legit crazy.

    Mothers+daughters have a complicated relationship. I’m sure this is a combination of her menopause,being jealous of your youth and happiness, and her feeling abandoned because you’re getting married and ‘leaving the nest”. But she clearly has control issues most of all.

    Post # 6
    Member
    4810 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    Emilymacey:   As difficult as it may be, I suggest trying not to engage your mother – try not to let her see how upset she makes you.  Practice saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” and nothing more.

    Also I suggest googling “daughters of narcissistic mothers.”  your mom may not fall into that category but there are some great coping techniques which may help you to deal with her manipulation. 

    Wishing you the best – stay strong.  

    Post # 7
    Member
    2425 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I think you should continue the wedding as plan with the same vendors your parents already paid for and than pay the rest of the money yourselves. Don’t let your parent have any more say in the wedding planning. After the wedding is over pay your parents back for the money they already spent on the deposit.

    Post # 8
    Member
    329 posts
    Helper bee

    Give her a few days to settle down. its probably just wedding stress. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    2695 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’m a mom. We flip the hell out sometimes. There’s no rhyme or reason to it.

    Talk to Dad. He’s accustomed to it and he’ll know how to smooth things over.

    Say Pops, yo, Mom is freaking out (again), I don’t know why. I had no idea picking out tuxedos was something you were interested in or wanted to do. I am soooooooo sorry. Of course you’re welcome to come, I really didn’t think you’d care!

    He’ll handle things and make sure she gets back on her meds. All will be well. I promise.

    Bee hugs!!

    Post # 10
    Member
    4845 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think you should talk to your dad directly. Tell him exactly the truth. “Oops, I’m sorry.” Then mom looks even more like a nut bar and will have to calm down. Also then you and your dad are all good. As for mom, you already apologized and explained. I would call her on her shit. Don’t allow her to get away with that bullshit behaviour over money or because she’s your mom. I would say “Mom I already apologized, dad and I have resolved the situation between us”. If she brings up not contributing, only say ” I respect your decision” and give no emotional reaction. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    4845 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    View original reply
    Astra:  This. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    812 posts
    Busy bee

    Here is what I would do–as she sounds like my mother when she has a hissy fit. I would discuss this with your father and apologize to him in person directly. Give them both some time cool down. I decided a long time ago that this type of behavior was not something I would allow. I made that choice and I am much happier because of it. I was taking my mother’s hissy fits to heart and took me a long time to realize that not everything was my fault. 

     

    Anyway, if that doesn’t work, plan your own wedding. Invite them, but understand that her behavior will not be tolerated. That’s my two cents.

    Post # 13
    Member
    9164 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    Are you sure she isn’t upset because your dad has to get a tux for the wedding and you excluded him in the very activity that he needs to do?

    Otherwise I would put it down to her being offended because they are paying. I mean you invited your Maid/Matron of Honor to  come and have a say but not the people actually funding the wedding?

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    1400 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    Emilymacey: I would honestly say that at this point, the very best thing would be to sit down and have a real heart to heart with your mom. She’s your mom after all. She’s not just funding the wedding, she has a whole set of emotional investment going on as well. Sure it’s not her wedding. But shes experiencing a range of motions through all this herself as well. It’s a stressful time and not just for the bride. 

    I am learning this very lesson for myself right now too. I’m in a situation very similar to yours and my mom, bless her heart, is as worried about the whole thing as I am. At first I didn’t understand why she was getting upset about little things that I seriously didn’t think were a bit deal or worth mentioning sometimes. Turns out that she just has a different idea of weddings than I do. Some things that I don’t care much about are things she feels left out of when I don’t mention.

    It caused tension, for sure. But we’ve had a lot of talks and I’ve been working at making sure she feels included, even when I’m doing things that are just tasks to check off for me.

    Its not neccesrily the things I would want to be called for but hey, I’m not the mother of the bride and I can’t even imagine what putting on this whole show would be like from her perspective so I’m just learning (slowly sometimes) and going with it. 

    Talk to her, it’ll work out. Everyone is dealing with a lot of stuff and sometimes it all comes out wrong. It’s worth figuring out what small sacrifices you can both make to make it work. 

    Good luck with everything. When I started planning this wedding, I had NO idea the things I would learn about myself and everyone around me! It’s more of a life lesson than it is publicly given credit for 😉

    Post # 15
    Member
    488 posts
    Helper bee

    I agree, talk to Dad. My mum has on the odd occasion flown off taking personally something so incredibly insignificant and not in the slightest way personal. Its irrational and theres no explanation except (imo) personal insecurities or making a distant connection to something from the past she has never quite let go.

    Chances are she’s voiced things to Dad and he will have some idea how to appease things. Give it a few more days to settle down and hopefully then you can have a good conversation with her!

     

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