Post # 1
Hi! I’m new to weddingbee, and hope I might be able to find some help for a sticky situation I’m in. I’m not sure where to start, so here goes:
I’ve been engaged for less than a week (5 days to be exact) and I’m already super stressed out about my mom wanting the man she’s involved with to come to the wedding. He’s not really her boyfriend, they have a semi-professional relationship and have been sleeping together for almost 4 years now (their affair started about 4 month after my fiance and I started dating). He’s married with two young children and my mom has never cared about finding out if he’s in an open relationship with his wife or if this is truely an adulterous relationship. In the past she’s invited him along to other family members weddings for the reception only, but no one know about their intimitate relationship they just know about the semi-professional part of it. So within the past five days she’s already mentioned that she’s planning to bring him to my wedding.
I don’t know how to tell her I don’t want him there. I disapprove of their affair but have not expressed these feelings fully to my mom before. I have told her I think the relationship is unhealthy. We have a pretty close relationship, and for most of my life I’ve called my mom my best friend, but there are a few points on which our friendship is stressful, one being money. I’ve been mostly finanically independent from her since highschool, getting a little help from her throughout college, but not nearly as much as my brother. My grandma has been the person to help me when I’ve needed it, even though my mom certainly could afford to do so. That being said, my mom acts as if she paid for my education (even though she didn’t) and has tried to hold that over my head in the past. This attititude has always been present when talking about my wedding, even before I got engaged. On the one hand, she says she won’t deny me anything. But, on the other, in the next breath she’ll complain that it’s such a burden and that my partner’s parents need to pay for half. I’m worried that telling her I don’t want this man at our wedding will result in either these complaints being amplified (i.e. “I’m paying, I should get…”) or having her withdraw the offer to pay. I’m not so much worried about having a small budget or paying for the wedding ourselves, but I’m worried this sort of reaction will cause damage to our close mother-daughter relationship.
I guess I have no straight forward questions, but would appreciate any advice, opinions, thoughts, and support. Cheers!
Post # 2
Tell her he’s in a social unit with his wife, not with her. If she wants him there, you’re sending the invitation to the married couple.
Post # 3
Sorry, I have NO advice…I am curious to see what other girls suggest on this one…I just feel terrible for you – that has to be SUCH a tough situation!! 🙁
Post # 4
Goodness me, you’re in a horrible position! I completely sympathise, not because I’ve been in your shoes before but because I have a best friend who has, although in her case her married dad was having an affair with a married woman. It’s horrible. It’s terribly upsetting not only that people cheat, but that they can disrespect marriage altogether.
You can still be sensitive to your mum’s feelings whilst explaining your own. Tell your mum you love her and you completely understand that this man is very important to her. Explain that even though you’re sensitive to her feelings, your wedding is a celebration of marriage and you’re uncomfortable with having someone there celebrate with you whilst disrespecting his own marriage entirely.
Post # 5
I agree, that is tough! I hope someone has a good answer. I like
reply, but that won’t keep your relationship close. Best of luck! Yikes!
Post # 6
Usually I would say that your mom gets a +1, no questions asked….but this one has questionable standings lol
I would flat out tell her no. He is having an affair and your mom wants to bring him to a wedding?! Let’s stop and think about what a wedding is. It’s a commitment to someone else that you will be faithful for the rest of your life…doesn’t it seem a little backwards that she would want to bring that to your wedding?
You have a lot of time before you get married, you just got engaged. So, I think that you will end up having to have a couple of really uncomfortable conversations with your mom about it. You can and should tell her no. He is not welcome. You don’t know him well. They both know, probably, that what they’re doing is wrong.
I really like PP’s idea…send him and his wife an invitation. That would just be awesome! hahaha
Post # 7
I came to this thread to make that exact comment but you beat me to it!
Post # 9
that’s exactly what I was going to say!
Post # 10
Anyway, let me state my real opinion.
I would let her bring who the heck she wants to bring. She is grown. He is grown. It is none of my business. And, while I would tell her I am disgusted with her actions (yes, I would tell my mom that), these things have a way of coming full circle. I would not be the one to police her morality. But, she would know my stance on it and that’s that. I would let karma do the rest.
Post # 11
My suggestion is to put this issue on the backburner for now. You are only engaged for 5 days. Bask in the warm glow of that. Go ahead with wedding planning with your Fiance and Mom. When you do get to the point where you are developing a guestlist, then have that conversation with your Mom.
Post # 12
I’d just tell the guy’s wife and let things fall where they may.
Post # 13
In no way is it appropriate for your mother to bring the man who is having an affair with her to her daughter’s wedding!
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
Tell her you aren’t comfortable with him coming becuase he in no way is a stepparent to you and his presence would be awkward considering their arrangement. She’s essentially wanting to bring her friend with benefits to your wedding which wouldn’t be appropriate even under the best of circumstances.
Post # 15
+1 There really is no better way to say it!!