Post # 1
Hello bees, I’m ripping my hair out right now I just need to vent. My wedding is coming up (March) I’ve got most things ready but right now my only and biggest problem is my mother. She is too dependent on me, every day she begs me not to marry it makes me tired and sick.. she cries every day and sometimes says she will use black magic so i dont marry ever. i feel like puking.. I live with her, my father and my brothers. I study and work, but I can’t save for a place because she takes away my money(her excuse is that her and my dad have too many debts and it’s true but idk anymore ugh), my Fiance lives and works across the country, I can’t move in with him yet for several reasons. I’m 22, I know I could stop her from doing that but she is manipulative as well. My father travels a lot, gone for a week and back for 3 days. My brothers go to school and she stays alone. She cries all the time and asks me “Are you really going to marry? are you really going to leave? What about me? Who’s going to take care about your little brother (6 yrs old) when I start working? I can’t hire a babysitter. Why are you moving so far away? I’m going to divorce your father soon.” I’m going to leave with my SO across the country, and she just can’t accept that. She can’t accept that I’m going to marry. I’m sick of her. She has also threathened to harm me or Fiance. FI sometimes lends me money when I REALLY need something. (I always pay him back ) but when he does that my mother tries to take it from me “I’ll pay you later please ” she never pays me when I give her my own money but even if she did never in a million years would I give her from FI’s money. I’m physically sick of her. I suffer from anxiety and depression and she’s just making things worse to the point I’ve thought about suicide. I just don’t know what to do anymore.. 🙁
Post # 2
Forgot to add that her and my father have too many problems and will eventually divorce. I don’t have a good relationship with him either, but my mother expects me to listen to her every complain against my dad and uses me against him. Everything is just making me so sick.. specially when she cries, I’ve just had it. I know she’s going through a difficult time but she’s also putting me down with her as well, it’s definitely not fair. :'(
Post # 3
My mother also is against me getting married but for different reasons (too young, should experience life/other men first etc). I don’t live at home anymore either, so it is a little different to your situation.
It sounds like she is dependent on you for support, especially if she is having difficulties with your dad. I would suggest involving a trusted friend of hers (or her sibling/parent) who can aid you in supporting and reassuring your mother that things will be alright.
It really isn’t your responsibility to deal with her issues, especially if it is causing you stress which may trigger your depression or anxiety. You cannot help her unless you are healthy yourself.
It may be worth spending time away from home for a week or so with a support network of friends and family around your mother to help her with your brothers if needed so that she can realise life will go on without you.
Post # 4
momokch: She sounds incredibly abusive and taking your money is insane!
I’m so glad you’re getting married and leaving 🙂 Please don’t let her stop you..
March is not that far away.. hang in there!
Post # 5
Wow that’s an awful situation to be in. Your mother sounds toxic and self absored. I know your parents are having problems but she’s acting like a big child expecting you to carry the can for her responsibilities. Your 6 year old brother is her responsibility, she chose to have him. You’re a young adult carving out your future and whilst I would never suggest you turn your back against your mother you really cannot allow ger to guilt you into putting your life on hold to be at her beck and call.
if you do not continue with your plans you will only look back and harbour more resentment against your mother. She needs tough love and I guarntee she will learn to stand on her own two feet when you stop enabling her. and this whole black magic thing is such a wicked thing to wish upon a child.
Post # 6
Your mother is a narcissist. I think you may find this site very helpful and cathartic:
Raised by Narcissists
Post # 7
your mother sound like a difficult person but she’s still your mother. in my religion they say that your heaven lays at the her feet. this means that the way you treat her and the way she thinks about you are very important.
that said, you should keep your relationship with your Fiance (and his money as well!!) private and separated from her.
and remember to pray to god to prevent black magic/evil eye/bad intentions to ruin your relationship and your life.
I think she is scared. Her relationship with her husband is really bad (according to you), you are planning on moving away, her other little son is only 6 and this brings anyone a lot of stress! have you considered maybe suggesting her and your brother to move to the same town as you? it would be good for you to have your mother nearby. I pray to god that you one day you have kids (if you so wish) and it would be helpful to have her there.
think about it, talk to your Fiance, ask his opinion, talk to her, get to understand EXACTLY what bothers her
Post # 8
She’s manipulating you. She does emotional blackmail to you. She is NOT your responsability. She’s an adult who can take care of herself. She’s playing victim, she is not a victim, so don’t fall for it. She is used to be taken care of like a child by either her spouse or children. You’re the child, you’re not supposed to have this responsibility. I bet she’s one of those parents who had children so she wouldn’t be alone. Even if you were 40 she would still ask you to give up to your life and happiness in order for her to keep hers. Hang in there until March and leave that toxic environment as soon as you can. She’s stealing your energy and makes you miserable and she doesn’t care, all she cares about is herself. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but I’m glad you have your Fiance standing by you.
Post # 9
- Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm
momokch: I want you to tell me EXACTLY why you are not calling you Fiance, telling him whats up then tell him you are getting on a plane/in your car/on a train and coming to live with him now?
I sort of did that. It was because I lost my job and thought it was stupid to find a temp job for 6 months, which would have fallen into our original time frame for moving in together. That was a year ago and we have never been happier. It was weird and I left the place I had lived for 5 years. My family was there. HECK! I owned a home. Still did it. Still happier.
Moved 4 1/2 hours away. Just packed and left. Found a job a month later and it’s been pretty smooth sailing.
Post # 10
I don’t understand, why cant you leave now? Just pack a bag and leave in the middle of the night if you have to. I would also cut off all contact with them and get myself into counseling ASAP, so your baggage doesn’t overwhelm you and hurt your marriage
Post # 11
Wow. I have a feeling there is a good reason your parents are heading for divorce and you are only hearing one (toxic narcissistic’ s) side of it.
I’m glad you are leaving. Good for you!
How is your mother taking your money? I mean don’t let her take it? Maybe pay her some rent or a portion of the bills until you leave but I would never allow someone else access to my accounts.
Post # 12
Olgarie: jily: Unfortunately I don’t have any close friends or family I could stay with for a while. My Fiance is being prepared for his job for 3 months (he comes back 2nd week of March) staying in a remote area (well engineering) so I really can’t go with him. His family lives in Italy and they’ve asked me to come stay with them until the wedding but I have studying to do. It’s just really so complicated. 🙁
Post # 13
smoocherific: I’ve always tried to invent something like I’ve spent it all or things like that and even have told her I simply don’t want to give her but she threathens and emotionally abuses me. I can’t really explain. :/
Post # 14
momokch: She sounds abusive and toxic. You need to leave that situation quickly. If you’re marrying in March it assume you were going to move then anyway. Just move now. Even if it’s packing your things and mailing them to Fiance just move in with a friend. Sleep on a couch or something. Parents are not suppose to be this dependent on a child. You were not born with a job to take care of her. Get out for your own mental health.
Post # 15
LooseyGoosey: thank you, I will definitely check it out!