(Closed) Help! My Pakistani parents have crazy traditional ideas for our wedding!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: If parents pay, do they get to determine what your wedding is like?
    Yes, they pay to play : (41 votes)
    46 %
    No, it's still your day : (49 votes)
    54 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1638 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @Juvie8:  Do you and your Fiance have the money to throw your own wedding? My best friend had two weddings. The first was the backyard BBQ she wanted after her elopement. The 2nd was the big wedding to satisfy her mother.

    If you can afford it, throw the fun shindig with your friends and send invites to all you want. Maybe let your parents throw you the 2nd celebration  as well.

    Post # 4
    Member
    7609 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I would just start planning it in Vancouver and let them know you’re doing that and that’s final.  You’ll probably have to pay for it yourselves, but at least it will be the day you want.

    Post # 5
    Member
    46413 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Pay for your own wedding in Vancouver and have the wedding you want.

    If you want to be kind to your parents, they can throw the wedding they want in Mississsauga before or after your Vancouver wedding.

    Post # 6
    Member
    201 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’m surprised at the poll results this far. Although I totally feel for you, if they’re paying then they are the decion makers. If you want something else then you guys need to find another way to pay for it.

    (This is why Fiance and I are paying for our own wedding. The whole thing has been wonderful and generally stress-free as a result.)

    Post # 7
    Member
    1271 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Pay for your own wedding, or deal with the wedding they are paying for. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    3452 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    If you are really opposed to this, I would find a way to do it on your own.

    Post # 9
    Member
    339 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    If you’re paying for your own wedding, I’d do one in Vancouver and then let them throw you the traditional one. If they’re paying for the whole thing, they’ve made it clear that there are conditions. Personally, I think it would be awesome to have both! If you don’t want the one your parents want, try to pay for your own. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    1638 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I’ve never ascribed to the idea that “whoever pays has the final say”.

    Money is a gift, not a negotiation tool. If your parents will hold you financially hostage, the only solution is to pay for it yourself.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3625 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    LIke PP said, I would give them the wedding they want IF they are footing the entire bill. However, if you and your Fiance have the money to throw your own, I would have a second one that is more in line with whatever you want. Both Darling Husband and I are from Eastern cultures, so we totally understand your parents and how demanding they are and I highly doubt they would change their minds to what you want (as it is drastically different) if they are paying. Even if they were willing to compromise, as long as they are paying, there is a very very very low chance that it will turn into what you want.

    Originally, DH’s family wanted exactly what your family wanted – tons of guests (that we didn’t know), ethnic clothes, etc. However, DH’s parents couldn’t afford this type of wedding so we covered our wedding ourselves and we had exactly what we wanted. After it was over, DH’s family actually admitted that they really enjoyed it even though it was a totally new experience for them.

    Post # 13
    Member
    901 posts
    Busy bee

    I have several friends who are of South Asian descent and married white Americans. In both cases, they blended wedding customs and it was just gorgeous!

    Bridesmaids and bride in saris for the ceremony, bride changed into a white wedding dress for the reception, white grooms in traditional South Asian garb for the ceremony and tuxes for the reception. Really, they were gorgeous weddings and everyone was talking about how fabulous and unique the experience was.

    Frankly, I think you’d be depriving YOURSELF of an amazing, unique wedding if you were to completely throw out the window all of your family’s traditions! Give it a chance 😉

    Post # 14
    Member
    9142 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @Juliepants:  Exactly what she said.

    First, I support you and your Fiance paying for and planning your own wedding in Vancouver.  But you can’t dictate the wedding your parents plan.  For some families weddings are super traditional affairs that are more about the parents and family than the bride and groom.  After you have your personal wedding in Vancouver I would consider allowing your parents to plan a traditional Pakistani wedding as well.  Be mindful that refusing to allow them to plan the traditional wedding a continent away may cause a major rift in your family dynamic.  You might be surprised that a lot of your friends will want to attend both if able to.

    Post # 15
    Member
    340 posts
    Helper bee

    Being that you have a multicultural family, you have to please you and them. I think your father is right, you should have a smaller one for friends and family that want to come to that and the larger one with your family and if your friends want to go to that too they can as well. Two weddings out of the deal, isn’t so bad :)! I think it is really important to appease your parents and you because you don’t want any resentment.

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