- 4 years ago
I’m new to this site, and my engagement is brand new (last night, yay!) but I’m having issues with my parents already so I thought I’d reach out for advice.
A little background info: I’m 21, I grew up riding horses with my fiance, my parents loved him when we were teammates. My dad was even the one that told him to ask me out originally! However, in the 2+ years that we’ve been together, my parents’ opinion of him has deteriorated.
They were supportive of our relationship until I had to cut back, and eventually stop competing in horse events completely. My parents have always gotten a kick out of watching my sister and I ride together, but I’m a Biochemistry major trying to get into medical school and I couldn’t do both school and rodeo well. When I was facing this decision, my parents demanded that I focus on horses because they had put so much time and money into that sport while I was growing up (which I appreciate tremendously, it’s made me the independent, determined woman that I am) but I knew that riding horses was not the occupation I wanted to pursue. My now-FI told me that he would support me no matter what I chose to devote my time to. After that, he became persona non grata with my parents. The rest of my family loves him.
Since they decided he’s not good enough, I hear nothing but negative things about him. At first he was no good because he worked in construction (which is both of my parents’ profession), and when he hurt his back earlier this year and made the decision to return to school, he was lazy, worthless, destined to fail, etc. I shouldn’t be surprised because they have the same things to say about me. Since I chose to focus on school, I’ve only heard that I’m not smart enough to be a Biochem major, I won’t be able to get into a good medical school, I can’t be trusted to make any decisions, etc. They even gave my horse away to punish me for no longer competing, even though I still rode her multiple times each week. I’m paying my own way through school because my parents won’t help, in the Honors Program, involved in research and volunteer work, and my fiance supports me completely in everything that I want to accomplish in life, whereas my parents don’t think I can. If they can’t control my every decision, they aren’t happy. I moved out of their house and into an apt with my Fiance a few months ago because 1- we were ready to live together, and 2- the emotional abuse became too much to bear on a daily basis. The past year has been hell when it comes to relations with them, and I shouldn’t be so hurt by their disapproval, but I still am.
He didn’t ask for their approval/blessing because of the strained relationship and because I didn’t really feel it necessary. Right after he asked last night, we went to their house and I told my mom. (My dad was already asleep). The first thing she said was, “you’re too young,” then she criticized my Fiance for not asking her and my dad (as if they ever would have said yes!), and then refused to acknowledge the ring, my Fiance, or any part of it. I want to tell my dad before I tell anyone else, out of respect, but I know his reaction will not be great. We’re not planning on getting married for at least 1.5-2 years, most likely not until I finish my Bachelor’s. My Fiance is a great guy who wants me to succeed, makes me happy, and cares for me in a way I didn’t think was possible- I know by now to expect bad reactions from my parents, but I am having a really hard time accepting their disapproval of him. Has anyone else been through something similar? This should be one of the happiest times in my life, and I don’t want my parents to bring me down.