(Closed) Help!!! My Parents Protest Me Moving in with My Long Time SO

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think if they’re paying you have to drop the subject. they are kindly supporting you so you should be grateful for that instead of expecting them to pay for you to move in with your boyfriend, whether it is with others or not.

Post # 3
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with PP. If they’re footing the bill they get the say in where you live. 

I think a major worry is probably your lack of life experience. You’ve been dating the same guy since high school and went from living with them to living “on your own” with them footing the bill. Also, they’re probably worried that if you move in with your bf he’ll be living rent free on their dime. 

Post # 4
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

They probably have a variety of concerns, and most of them are likely pretty valid. For example, they’re probably worried that:

1. Their baby girl is growing up and they are not ready

2. It will be an awkward situation if you guys break up and have to live together until a lease is up

3. Being off campus with a bunch of friends might make your grades suffer

4. Moving in with your boyfriend at a young age might cause you to miss out on other experiences that 19-year-old girls generally have

5. 19 is fairly young to move in with a significant other

All that said, the situation boils down to two conflicting absolutes: One, you are over 18, an adult, and can legally do as you please. Two, you are relying on your parents’ monetary support, and they who pay get a say in how you live your life. If you want to be able to do as you please with absolute freedom, you’ll need to risk losing your parents’ financial support. If you want to keep the financial support, you’ll have to take your parents wishes into account.

If I were you, I would accept both of those realities and make one good, mature effort to sit down with my parents and explain my side of things. If they still refuse to let me move in with my boyfriend after that, I would just move in with my friends and deal with it. After all, you have the rest of your life to live with significant others, but realistically only elite limited few more years to live with friends and really have a good, party-filled time (I guess some people keep that lifestyle going well into their 30s, but I’m betting a girl with almost a 4.0 GPA at a New York University is not that type!) I highly doubt in 10 years you will look back on yourself at age 19 and feel strong regrets that you didn’t move in with your boyfriend at that time.

Post # 5
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I also agree with PPs….if they are paying the majority of your cost of living, they get a say in what their money is going to. If you plan to go against their wishes, then be prepared for them to revoke some of their support. Even if they continue to fund you, keep in mind that this could cause a major issue with parents who are otherwise very supportive. 

Post # 6
1845 posts
Buzzing bee

okieinnyc:  I have to agree with PPs here, since they are paying your living expenses they have the final say on whether you live with your boyfriend or not. 

Post # 7
9119 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

You want your parents to foot your bill to live with your boyfriend and friends? If they’re paying, the answer is no. Their money, they decide where you live, end of story.<br /><br />


Now, if you are going to pay your expenses and not your parents, then sure. Go for it. Only you can live your life. But if its their money, they decide.

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Post # 8
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I could see why they could not be too keen on you moving in with SO. And not soley because they’re currently paying either… Moving in at 19 years old with a boyfriend is probably a big step in their eyes while I bet it seems unfair but ideal to you- they are probably just looking out for you. 

No matter how long you and SO have been together moving in changes your relationship. If you have a disagreement you have limited space to cool down.  Worst case scenario: you and SO split. What will you do then? Where will you stay? Breaking a lease to move out could be more costly and dramatic for both of you…again, all hypothetical but something to think about..

Live with just friends for now, it will make time with SO just that much more special and be a safe place for you if things go not as planned. 

Post # 9
583 posts
Busy bee

IMO you have the rest of your life to live with a SO/FI/DH and at your age it is so much fun living with friends and having that life experience. I understand your frustrations by your parents being bothered by you wanting to live with a bf, but if they are paying for a significant amount then they do have a say

Post # 10
28 posts

okieinnyc:  I understand your situation, and I can image how frustrating it must be. While I am just slightly older then you (21, and my boyfriend will be turning 22) I can put myself in your shoes. However, there likely are reasons as to why they are hesitant about you moving in with your boyfriend, just as my parents were the same way. 

First, it can be a difficult situation. We would all like to have complete confidence in our relationships (no matter how long we’ve been dating someone) but anything can happen. They might be worried that, if you and your boyfriend were to break up, you’d be in a sticky situation. To calm their mind, how easy/hard is it to get out of a lease at this place? If it isn’t too difficult, and you inform your parents that, if worse comes to worse, one of you can easily move out, they might be more willing to let you do it. However, it’s usually very hard for someone to move out of an apartment (without still being responsible for paying rent) without subleasing, at the very least. So I would first check with that, because that can help to calm them down. 


The might also by nervous that, by allowing you to move in with your boyfriend, you might become so caught up with him that you won’t take your studies seriously anymore. There’s not much you can do in this case, other then asking your parents to trust you, trust that they raised you with the right dedication/motivation, and that you would neglect your academics, simply because you now live with your boyfriend. 

You can also tell your parents of the positive. Living in an apartment (or else) after living in the dorms is a HUGE step, but one that must be taken. I haven’t lived in a dorm for two years (I’ve been off campus now) but moving in with friends (not my boyfriend, he has a house with a few other guys-he wanted to spend a year living with ‘engineering buddies’) made the process so much easier. It’s still very difficult, but it’s nice to go through with it together. All these things considered, there are things YOU must also consider: 

What happens if you and your boyfriend get in a fight (which is inevitable, it will happen-especially after moving in with each other) will you drag your other roommates into it? 

Are you other roommates okay with you two dating AND living together (many people aren’t-I personally wouldn’t be, but that might be because all the relationships around me are destined to fail…) 

If you do fight, can you retreat to different rooms, or are you sharing a room? 


These are all things to consider before taking this step, and some might be thoughts you parents are having! So talk to your boyfriend about the above, as well as your parents. 


However, in the end, you have no say. I know it sucks to hear it, but it’s true. When you really on your parents to fund you through college, to pay for your living arrangements, etc, they make the deciding factors, not you. So if your parents refuse, and you are still sold on living with him, then you might need to cut yourself off from them. It might even be time to do it-I pay for my own college, food, rent, etc. It’s rough, and balancing work and school isn’t easy, but it’s worth it in the end (to be able to make my own choices). 

Hopefully this helped though! 🙂

Post # 11
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

okieinnyc:  I can understand your point of view but also your parents. My dh moved in with me in the flat in my parents’ backyard when I was 19 and he was 23, we were both students. However, although I was not paying them rent, all expenses including utilities were ours to pay.

The issue is most likely that they are scared of what might happen if you guys break up, I know you believe you won’t but parents look at all possibilities… As to how to approach it, you can try one more time but sorry if they paying they have final say on this one. They have the right to choose whetehr or not to pay for your housing (since you are an adult) and you need to be prepared to take the consequences if you choose to do something they don’t want.

I am a firm believer that you are an adult, you can do what you like and if you want to move in with him, you can do that BUT a huge part of being an adult is taking the consequences of your actions. good luck!

Post # 12
1884 posts
Buzzing bee

okieinnyc:  ” I still rely on the financial backing of my extremely supportive parents”–this means you have to do what they say if you still want the money, sorry

Post # 13
2513 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would personally encourage you to live independently/with friends before deciding to move in with your boyfriend. Your late teens/early twenties are a great time to be yourself and experience the adult world. Have fun living with your friends and think about moving in with the boyfriend in a few years.

Post # 14
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

all bees are pretty much saying the same thing. and i agree with them.

question: can he sleep over in university halls? then its ok.

you should focus on your studies. living in a rented house with another 3 people can be very noisy and disruptive. besides you wont have your own room. prioritise your studies. is just another couple of years? after that you can move in with him.

Post # 15
5165 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

I really can’t speak on whether it’s a good idea to move in with your boyfriend at 19… But I moved in with my ex when I was 18 and in college after being with him for a year. I lived with him for 5 years and graduated college with a 3.96 GPA, so living with someone does not necessarily mean that your studies will suffer. The major difference was that I paid for everything myself, no parental support. As long as your parents are paying your expenses, they have the say on where you live and who you live with. If you are willing to take loans and work to support yourself, then you can make the decisions. Honestly, it’s probably not worth the debt to live with your boyfriend a few years early. 

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