(Closed) Help, my sister is dating a loser

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree that you probably just have to let it run it’s course.  My sister is 22 and graduating from college this year and just FINALLY dumped her loser Boyfriend or Best Friend.  He wasn’t in college and was working at a local pizza joint, had no life goals, etc.  He was 20 and the last straw was when he got to spend a couple days in jail for DWI.  When he asked her to come pay his bail she dumped him.  If he’s that much of a loser hopefully she’ll realize it soon!

Post # 5
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ugh my brother dated some loser ho-bags in high school and I HATED them. I rejoiced every time they got dumped. Our biggest fears (parents and I) were that he’d knock one of them up down the road.

I caught one of them, at 17, drinking at the bar in the restaurant I worked at. Blegh.

Not much advice–my brother said the same things about the girls he dated. “they’re fun, they’re temporary” etc etc.

I hope somebody has some good advice for you; all I have is empathy! I hate seeing strong/smart/educated/etc people end up with total losers.

However, if she values your and your mom’s opinions…it may eventually sink in that if NOBODY likes the guy, there’s a reason, right? At least I think so…if NOBODY liked my now-husband back then, I’d wonder why i was with him and think if i had my rose-colored glasses on.

Good luck. I hope she meets a good guy!

Post # 6
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

You should not try and talk her out of it. The more people will try and tell her that he’s not a good choice, the more she’ll get protective of him and their relationship. Just be there for her; eventually, she’ll see the gap between them and she’ll make choices. She’s still very young, we all need to go out with our share of frogs before finding (and appreciating!) Prince Charming… I probably would not have noticed my Prince Charming, had I not been young and stupid, dating losers!

 

Post # 7
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Sadly, I have to agree with Lillindy… my sister dated a loser too and my family tried to talk her out of it. Now, she’s married and miserable, but refuses to leave him because his church taught them that divorce was wrong no matter what the circumstances were… πŸ™

Hopefully, your sister will see the light before it gets to that point.

Post # 8
Member
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m afraid I agree with the PP, there’s not really a way to talk her out of it.  I dated a not-so-great guy for almost 4 years that my parents never really liked.  It’s possible I would have taken my friends’ word for it since we all hung out together so much but they liked him well enough, or else didn’t speak up until things were going downhill and I was already starting to catch on.  My little sister in particular REALLY liked him and when she started dating a guy that was rather similar to my ex we all held our breaths but it worked out in the end. 

Just be there for her and try not to say I told you so when they do (hopefully) break up. 

Post # 9
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

First off I think it’s great that you’re such a caring sister!

I agree with egb. 

Also there might be more to him than you know.  Although it does seem like a dangerous trend for your sister, at least he works two jobs to make ends meet.  With his mom he sounds really disadvantaged, though it’s the lack of ambition that would really concern me.  πŸ™

I would also be concerned with your sister saying she doesn’t “plan” to marry him or someone like him…I don’t think most people go into a relationship and say “I’m going to marry him!”…it develops over time.  I hope she realizes this. 

Post # 10
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

22 is super young so I doubt she’s anywhere near thinking about marrying anybody. My family hated lots of guys I dated and it was super annoying. I eventually found a great guy and married him. She’ll be fine.

Post # 11
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Just for a little perspective.  When I met my fiance, he had just gotten a dui, so he lost his license, and didn’t have a car & was working at office max and living on the second floor of his roommates’ house.  My mother and sister thought he was a loser, and actually confronted me about it.. it was very hurtful.

These things didn’t define him – they just happened to be his current situation.  He had just gone thru a really awful divorce, lost any rights of seeing her child, who he had essentially raised, had a couple beers at the bar to let of some steam, and that’s when he got caught driving… Not having a car limited his ability to get jobs… HE didn’t finish college because he dropped out to get a job to support his fiance and her child, so that she could stay at home…  but they didn’t care about what the reasons were – they just wanted me to run the other way.

I loved him, and I knew the real him. He loved me, regardless of how I looked, he put his family above his own needs, he took care of a son that wasn’t his, and was devistated when he was taken from him… he was a HARD worker, and would bike 5 miles each way to get to work, at all hours of the day… but they refused to see any of this.. they only saw what was on the surface.

4 years later, he is almost done with his business degree.  He has a license and a nice new car, he is working on getting an internship in his field, and would do anything to make me happy.  I don’t know if they have changed their minds at all, but they definately don’t speak up about it anymore…

Sometimes there are two sides to every view of a person… just wanted to share my story..

Post # 13
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think your sister is young still and eventually she’ll come to realize on her own that the guy isn’t good enough for her. Sometimes it takes dating a lot of losers to recognize the right guy when he comes along. I speak from experience on that one πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Haha, this is such a family reaction! We had the same reaction with Future Brother-In-Law. He’s not a big drinker or anything, and he has college degrees (in slacker majors… I’m not normally so judgmental, I promise.) but he can be really lazy and lacks motivation.

You know, you just have to be supportive. It’s hard, but anything else will just push her away. There may be more to him, or he may really be a scumbag. 

In my experience, when people stay with someone who treats them badly or doesn’t put much into the relationship, it’s because they have a low self-esteem. If you feel like that’s a problem at all, maybe just make sure she knows how important she is? 

Post # 15
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Eh, I wouldn’t be concerned.  She’s young and having fun, my guess would be that these guys have ‘compensations’ that are neither apparent to your mom and you nor something you think she should base her boyfriend choices on.  πŸ˜‰  Is he cute?

I would be more concerned if she seems to be getting serious about him, acting like a family and those type of things.  Then it might be time to make things clearer.

But she’s had experience with relationships, it doesn’t sound like she was traumatized when the last relationships ended so I’d believe her when she says it is nothing serious.

I don’t think college degrees or even a crazy workethic are necessary to make a good life partner.  I think respect and understanding are.

 

Post # 16
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Oh my gosh, do we have the same sister? Same age, same “smart and artsy” personalities and everything! My sister has dated emotional and sometimes, physically abusive guys. I won’t get into details, but it got to a point where her most recent Boyfriend or Best Friend and her had screaming matches where he would throw things at her and tell her she was worthless. It was AWFUL. At t his point, she was still living at home with my mom, and at one point, my mom talked calmly with her and said that she had to get out of this relationship. The sad part was, my sister knew it was toxic, but she “loved him.”

Basically, our entire family said that we disaproved of the relationship, and she needed to get out of it because she deserved someone a million times better. I don’t think it worked. We were never be mean to her or anything, just the opposite. She was responsive at first, and then pretty much just kept dating him.

Eventually, she ended it. When it comes down to it, based on her pattern, she has low self-esteem and immedietly falls “in love” with all her boyfriends, which end up treating her like crap a few months in. She now is aware of her pattern, and we *think* she’s dating a better guy now. She also went into therapy.

I’m not sure if that helps, but it was more of a “hey! we’re in the same boat” story πŸ™‚

Post # 17
Member
1932 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

I have to agree a bit with the other girls.

It seems your sister and I have similar personalities, free spirited, independent, etc. Well a couple years back I started dating a loser, he was cocky and selfish and controlling. How it took me a year to see that, I have no idea – but my parents told me repeatedly how they disliked him, as did many others in my family – aunts, friends, my older sister. And I know they tried to like him, and tried to see what I saw in him… 

but no matter how many people tried to show me who he really was, I didn’t listen. and it is important for you to share with your sister how you feel exactly, very tactfully and lovingly. My older sister did that for me perfectly- she made a phenomenal effort to get to know him, but finally told me she didn’t feel it was right for me and I was a different person and she didn’t like him – but she also made sure I knew that she still loved me no matter what, and would always be there for me. 

When my loser ex and I finally broke up after a year, my sister was there for me in ways that wouldn’t have been possible if she hadn’t been honest and showed me love.

well a year later I met my fiance, we’ve been together a little over a year and are getting married in two months- and my parents and family couldn’t possibly love him more, they already treat him like a son. 

 

so basically, just be honest, but make sure she knows you love her no matter. she has to be free to live her own life, but even the most independent and free spirited girls alive – like to know they have a place to go back to – someone to go to when things fall apart.

you sound like a really great sister. so I think everything will be ok.

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