Help Navigating Relationship with Socially Anxious BFF

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
790 posts
Busy bee

Hmm yeah I can relate because I’m introverted as well. Although it’s weird that her “limited energy” applies to you because you are best friends. For me and most other introverts the “people drain me” thing only applies to strangers and acquaintances but not really good friends or close family. I love to hang out with these people and would do it with regularity if I had the opportunity. 

So I think if you guys really are BFFs then there must be another reason. She just moved back into town… Is she really busy setting things up? Or working? Does she have kids? Although once a week is a pretty decent amount of time to spend together as adult BFFs in my opinion. When you’re young you can hang out with your friends every day but when you get older it doesn’t matter how much you like someone, it’s hard to fit in a friend around chores, work, spending time with SO/family, etc. 

Where do you ask her to hang out? If you want to hang out more you might need to suggest hanging out at her place rather than going somewhere. Although that can sometimes backfire if she’s the type of person who feels she needs to triple clean her house before any guests 😂 I think convenience is key though. Might not have anything to do with you, she could just be busy. 


Post # 3
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

For me knowing plans in advance is a huge thing. If I got a text from a friend at 10am that said hey want to meet for lunch at noon? I’m liable to panic. So asking a couple days in advance is always nice. Or asking when she’s free in the next week, something like that. If this is a new town to her then driving somewhere new may cause anxiety. I’d suggest picking her up or finding a place to meet that is very close to home. I hate driving into the city area vs the suburbs because of how crazy the road system and parking can get. So maybe if you find a way to avoid those things it would help her feel more comfortable? Also have places in mind. Instead of where do you want to go/what do you want to do? You could say hey want to try this italian place X for lunch? I’ve been there many times and it’s great. Or, want me to pick you up for the farmers market this Saturday at 8am? Sometimes introverts get stuck in their own head. You seem like a good friend though so thank you for trying with her.

Post # 4
2283 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Try something really open ended when you have a not so busy week, like “I need some girl time this week. What should we do?” But don’t give up on her, us socially-anxious type have a lot of demons (lol) and we really depend on our extroverted friends to help us adjust and come out of our shells after a big change like a move.

Post # 5
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
peachykeener :  I’m not an introvert but maybe just sit down and have an open honest conversation with your friend.

Tell her you love her and you understand her personality and perspective but that you being the opposite personality wise is causing issues for you. Explain that her not taking up your invitation as often as you extend one, makes you feel a little crappy. Explain that you know your reaction is illogical because you know with her that declining your invite, is not actually personal. Tell her that you also understand that you calling her to catch up regularly probably has the same effect on her. Maybe then float the idea that to makr you both feel comfortable, you plan a catch up twice a month that’s continously standing. For example every second Tuesday of the month you meet up at the same restaurant for dinner at 6.45pm. On the last Thursday of every month you see a 9pm session at the movies.

By doing it this way you are not having to extend invitations that are not accepted. She doesnt feel pressured to attend things that she isn’t interested in. The routine of a set pattern and  familiar place will not be so mentally draining for her too. You could also float throwing in a random catch up doing something more off the cuff which is more in keeping with your personality. I think this could be a good compromise and allows you both to have your needs met by way of the friendship and 3 catch ups in 30 days is pretty good for touching base with an adult friendship. 

Post # 6
7169 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would ask her what feels like a good amount of socializing time for her and then respect that. Also, maybe making plans farther out might feel good for her.

I have a friend who I love deeply, but interacting with her can be EXHAUSTING. She’s pretty extroverted and her energy is almost frenetic with its intensity. She also is at a different place in her life where she has a lot more spaciousness to hang out than I do. I would hate for her to feel that I didn’t love her, but with all that I’m holding in my life, I just don’t have time or the energy to be around her the way I did before I had a family of my own. The last time we made plans (that didn’t fall through), we had to make them over a month in advance.

Post # 7
11255 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I have a weird combo of issues with this.  I am very much the extrovert, once I’m out or talking to people.  I can talk to anybody.

But, it can take C4 to get me out of the house.  Working from home probably reinforces it.  Just forcing myself to go to the store is a BFD.  I recognize that this is my depression flaring and I’m working on managing that better.

Once I’m out, I’ll be happy about it.  For awhile.

The really odd thing is that if someone else will be doing the driving, it’s much easier for me to get motivated to go out.  I’m a pretty good driver.  In over three decades, not a single accident that was my fault or a ticket.  So, I can’t really explain that.

So, I’m an extrovert/hermit hybrid.

Post # 8
3932 posts
Honey bee

How old are you?  I’m in my late 30s and I think that seeing a specific friend once a week is a lot.  Not saying it doesn’t happen occassionally with my friends as we’ll have events back to back weeks, but overall, I would say we hang out about once, maybe twice a month.

I am also what they call a social introvert.  I get my energy from being at home, but I enjoy socializing.  There is a fine line for me when it comes to too much socializing, but I also get bored at home if I spend too much time alone.  

What types of things are you inviting her to do?  Have you tried inviting her over for some pizza and movies at home?  If she is socially anxious, going out might not be fun for her at all, but some intimate time with a friend at home might be more her speed.


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