Post # 16
So not sure exactly how much info to put here. But some ideas and thoughts in list form.
I need to know ahead of time what we’re doing. No can we meet up in an hour. Depending. There’s exceptions to this but in general even people I’m close with I love to plan ahead a bit.
once a week while working is a lot. I can barely get my stuff done so it’s a real effort to socialize. I do it, but yes a standing once a week would stress me out.
She works part time you say but is there a commute? Or is a job that makes her work closer to full time so they don’t pay her benefits. My old part time job had 35 hours some weeks.
See what type of things she wants to do?
That’s all I have for now. Good luck!
Post # 17
ArcadiaRose : They have been lifelong best friends practically family I don’t think someone would feel the need to triple clean the house for family…
Post # 18
sweatergal007 : This is a great point actually about commuting! She does commute by bus and I know it takes a long time. I have offered twice in the last week to drive her home from work but she has declined. I will bring this up with her specifically since I think she turned me down because she didn’t want to feel like an inconvenience. I don’t offer things that I’m not excited to do though. I just figured for her it would be an easier way to squeeze a quick visit in to her day, but who knows. She may need that time to decompress from work, and socializing during that time may not work for her. I’ll just have to ask her haha.
Post # 19
sharpshooter : I dunno though I feel like someone you have been friends with your whole life is in a different category than just a friend. I feel like those types of friendships are rare and therefore more effort should be made. I mean I have been friends with my bff since we were 8 years old we grew up together were close to eachothers families i would feel hurt if she put the same amount of effort into say a friend she met at work 2 years ago and put our friendship in the same category when we been friends for 20 years.
Post # 20
soexcited123 : You’re absolutely right! I’m just trying to be as open minded as I can before I hear it from her in her own words I guess. Since we’ve been BFF’s for so long, obviously we’ve had real fights or disagreements in the past. She has always been compassionate if she hurt my feelings before, so I know our expectations for what should/shouldn’t be the nature of our relationship in this new geographically-closer phase of our relationship are just different.
I will post an update once I’ve spoken to her. Hopefully soon! Thanks again so much for all of your help, Bees!
Post # 21
soexcited123 : they have also been apart for 10 years. People change. OP can decide if the friendship works for her or not, but she can’t make her want to hang out more often.
length of friendship does not determine a stronger relationship.
Post # 22
Plans definitely in advance, and make it low key. I’m definitely more likely to have a pizza Netflix night with a friend over going out. Even shopping with friends can be too much for me.
Post # 23
soexcited123 : I triple clean the house before anyone comes over. My husband’s gaming group, my best friend, and my mom, all get the same level of cleanliness when they come over to our house. The amount of time i know someone has no bearing on my need to deep clean the house before they come over.
Post # 24
You are very welcome.
One of the problems for me is that I got sick shortly after we moved here and it lasted for three years. In the end, it was the meds that were causing all of the trouble. I was sleepy and stupid all the time. I would literally fall asleep while I was eating and wake up with tofu scramble on my face and in my hair. I was seeing double. I was staggering. It got bad. I was scared I had MS.
Thankfully, the two nurse anesthetists who run our ketamine clinic figured out that it was too much antihistamine (I was taking more than I was supposed to by then) causing all of my symptoms. My primary agreed with them (I adore him).
With lots of trepidation, I stopped *everything*. Within a month, I was fine.
The point is, I didn’t get out much and get a chance to meet new people. Working from home doesn’t help. I’m on a schedule right now that is quite incompatible with meeting up with people, but, I will eventually be able to fix that.
So, hermiting can become something of a habit, I think. Before I got sick, I was pretty hung ho to get out and do stuff.
Post # 25
An update to all- we made a date to go to the farmers market, on the drive there I brought it up and we both admitted that the way we were going about things wasn’t working for either of us because we were both getting frustrated. I reiterated to her that when I ask to hang out I just want to be around her and am not looking for anything specific or a lot of effort. She visibly unclenched when I said that.
We have set up a standing time that belongs to us. Going off of some of the suggestions here I suggested every two weeks. She said she’d rather do it every week because then she has a set routine, ‘every Thursday we do x’.
My SO and I just got back from dinner with her and her husband an hour ago. While at dinner she asked us to go to an event with them for a few weeks, and I invited her to our New Years party.
Things are back on track and we are very happy 🙂
Thank you again for all of your advice, Bees!