(Closed) HELP! Need advice (long, sorry)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh my goodness I am so sorry dear! That is aweful. I don’t think I would be able to trust him either…. it is what he said that makes it that much worse. I don’t think it would be as bad if it was just more talking but the fact that he outright told her that they need to make it more secret is totally wrong. I think maybe you two should talk to someone else about it (counselor or pastor or something) since he hasn’t respected what you have to say about it.

Post # 4
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

You can no longer trust him.  He is having an emotional relationship with someone else and lying to you about it.  This happened with my ex husband and an ex girlfriend and it was devestating…more devestating though was how long i pretended it would eventually work out.  🙁  sorry hugs 

Post # 5
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Wow. I don’t know what to say except that I’m really sorry. That’s just crappy on both their parts. I would have a really difficult time getting over something like that. He would need to prove himself trustworthy again in a big way for me to even speak to him.

Hang in there – praying for you both!

Post # 6
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  My jaw dropped when I read that he said to move the conversation to e-mail!  If you truly love him, picture your future together, and think that your relationship can be repaired I’d do what cyndistar3 said and go to some sort of counseling.  It might help you reestablish trust.  It won’t be easy though. You might want to consider postponing the wedding.  Don’t go through with it if you don’t trust him! *hugs*

Post # 7
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m on a plane flight to Cincinnati right now…I’m gonna open up a can of whoop-ass on him! 

Just kidding, but I’d like to pretend I would!  I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁

Post # 8
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am so sorry this is happening to you. The good thing is that you found out about it now. I agree with @cyndistar3:, counseling of some sort is in order. If it were me, I would also delay the wedding to make sure it will be something that you want to go forward with in the future. I am sorry, but I would not be able to trust him ever again after that, unless some serious improvements were made. I was married to a man like this. Unfortunately, I didn’t find out about it, until after we were married. He refused to stop and refused counseling, so I left and divorced him. There were other things that I found out later that were happening, so it wasn’t just this. I do hope you are able to work through this, but if he is doing this now, there is no telling what else he is doing or will do in the future. Not all relationships are the same, so there is still hope for your relationship, but if I were you, I would slow every thing down and make sure it is a relationship you can live with for the rest of your life.

Post # 9
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree, too – with the councelling. And maybe you should suggest he get a phone without texting or change his number and email address. He needs to get away from any and all possibility of continuing his conversation with the ex..

Post # 10
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m really, really sorry this happened to you.  I’d definitely reach out to a pastor or counselor for YOU and hopefully for the two of you. 

I have a firm no lying policy.  You told him it bothered you and he continued.  You busted him and he lied so he could continue.  He is choosing to do something wrong and hurtful.  Since he is hiding it and lying, he clearly knows it is wrong.

I know no one is the same and every circumstance is different.  Unfortunately it sounds like you are dealing with someone who lies and has no regard for you or your relationship.  Does he lie about other little unimportant things?  Is this the first time? 

I feel like that behavior is often reoccurring and not a one time thing.

Post # 11
Member
5106 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Okay, so number one: I hate this for you, and am so sorry you have to deal with this.

Number two: The trust is broken. And has been broken NUMEROUS times. Do you want to feel like you always have to check his phone? Wonder whether he is telling you the truth when you ask a question? If he’s done it once, what’s to stop him from doing it again? Or taking it farther?

Number three: Even though he apologized, he is still defending his actions.

Number four: I’m not that far from Cincy, want me to kick his ass?

Post # 12
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

That would be a total deal breaker for me. He lied to your face that he was going to stop communicating with her, and then deliberately went behind your back, belittled you to her, and told her he wanted to continue communicating in a medium you can’t track. That’s well beyond the realm of him just thinking you’re over-reacting and ignoring your requests; he’s pretty much scheming now.

I am so sorry this is happening to you, but I would not stay in this relationship. For me personally, once the trust is gone, that’s it. And he is showing a complete lack of respect towards you. If you feel you want to go to counselling and give him a second chance, then do it, but definitely don’t marry him until you are 100% confident that history will not repeat itself.

Post # 13
Member
5106 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@linguo42: I agree ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT.

Post # 14
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I wouldn’t even waste my time and money on counseling. I don’t think he is so disrespectful! You’re his Fiance but he’s not acknowledging you as one.

How can he say that to you?! I just feel like he doesn’t care about how you feel or take anything you say seriously.

I would never be able to go on with the wedding knowing the possibility of him treating me that way for the rest of my life.

But in the end, its up to you whether you think he’s worth it or not. No one knows about the relationship except for those who are in it.

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

UGH. Something fishy is definetly going on here. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. But this might be approaching emotional affair level here. He is texting another girl, then promises to you to stop, and then finds away to continue commincating with her behind your back?! Something is defiently up. Ask him to see all the texts/emails. If he won’t let you see them then something is definetly wrong.

Post # 16
Member
1909 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@cincychick35:

Oh dear, so sorry this is happening to you 🙁 I was in the same boat with my ex-FI. We went to counseling, he said he would break all comms with his ex. Then I caught him with the phone bill (after he promised to quit!). I gave him the ultimatum – me or her. He said she was too important to him and he couldn’t cut her out. I had my answer and heartbreak. I continued counseling on my own, hired a moving van and got the hell out. Hardest thing I’ve ever been through and best thin I’ve ever done for myself. Good luck, I’ll keep you in my thoughts *hugs*

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