Post # 1
My finace and I have been together about a year and a half. He’s been in Europe for the last five months, come home to visit twice(for two weeks each time). We have really struggled. The problem is that in the past, we have struggled with trust. He’s older, never married. He was dishonest about a few things early on, but we’ve worked on those. He’s trying, that’s the thing. I know he’s trying, he can just be incredibly emotionally immature. I think he just hasn’t had alot of practice.
Anyhoo, this is my dilema, last summer when we were moving in together, I stumbled across a box, it contained several photos and cards from ex-girlfriends, along with random family photos, I really don’t know what the ratio was, as soon as I realized, I kind of just stopped looking at it. So, like I said, he was gone for several months, home for two weeks and we went camping. I went to get something out of his trunk and the box was there. He had been to the storage unit and gotten it out. He said important financial docs were in there. We had a huge fight about it. He left, and the box wasn’t in the trunk anymore. A few days later he post this old picture of his brother on facebook, he had obviously been scanning pictures, when I asked about it, he said, he had shredded all the pics, and gotten rid of the box that upset me, but that he had UPLOADED all the pics to his computer so I wouldn’t have to see them. He doesn’t see why I’m upset. I am honestly at the point, that THIS could be my breaking point. We had a huge argument. He said I have trust issues. That he has friends who have their old wedding albums from previous marriages…is it me?
Post # 3
So the box contained photos of friends, family and exes? Unless they were sexual photos of the exes, I really wouldn’t have a problem with it. He is with you – not the exes. I still have old photos of my exes – not necessarily because of the ex, but because I was on vacation or there was a large group of us in the photo.
The part that I would be upset about is the fact that he lied and said there were financial documents in there. Was there anything like that in the box, or was it only filled with photos?
It sounds like he did get rid of the cards and other mementos. If it’s simply the fact that he uploaded the photos so he could keep them – I don’t think that’s a big deal. The trust issue sounds like it’s coming from somewhere deeper.
Post # 4
Honestly, I don’t know why this is bothering you. They’re in his past, he loves you now, so what if he wants to keep a few photo mementos?
Post # 5
Personally – I’d be worried if my DH wanted to get rid of all pictures, momentos, etc from his exes.
Those people were a major part of your FI’s life at one point in time and it is very healthy and normal to look back on those times. But they are still in the past and he is now with you and not them for a reason.
Post # 6
I’m confused why you are upset. In my opinion, your fiance has done more than he required to appease you on this subject. Everybody has a past, and I think it’s healthy to remember that. THAT SAID, if you don’t trust him for other reasons (infidelity, dishonesty, etc.), then that’s something that should be worked out separately.
Post # 7
I don’t think it’s a big deal. You can’t erase the past and you shouldn’t want to try to do so, we are the sum of our experiences. If he were looking at this every day, it’d be a problem, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.
Post # 8
I agree with a lot of the others that I don’t think that this is a big deal
Post # 9
- Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France
I disagree with the PP. I have been through my fair share of liars in relationships. To me, he was LYING to you about what was in the box right to your face because he did not want you to know what was in the box! If he was lying then there was a reason he was lying. He obviously knew it would upset you and instead of being honest he chose to lie to you. Lying is a huge deal breaker, especially if there are other issues! I totally get where you are coming from. I was with this jerk of a guy who basically cheated on me with his ex.. and kept all the pictures of her is a “special” drawer along with all of the stuff she left at his house. Momento type of deal which I thought was very disrespectful to me seeing that so much pain was caused by him and this girl. She may be in the past, lets leave them there. Why do we need constant reminders of them?
Post # 10
Very early on he lied about a few trivial things, genuinely trivial, (that he had been engaged before, he hasn’t) mostly things that would make it appear that he’s a perfectly normal 50yo man who’s never been married. He’s difficult, he knows this, he’s matured alot, but he’s still a little…just, I can’t explain it. He’s so loving and thoughtful and good, but he can be so obstinate and he will defend his position until the death!
It’s just, I’m really honest about everything. The pictures didn’t bother me in storage, it was that he got them out of storage on a very short visit and to what end? It’s that his solution to my being uncomfortable with the pics of ex’s was to scan them into his computer. Seriously??! Put them on a disk and hide it! I certainly would have never brought it up. It just felt very…thoughtless. We are successful adults. This is ridiculous.
I just feel like, if the situation were reveresed, I would never have disregarded his feelings that way. I feel disregarded. Of course, the resolution was for ME to say just keep them, if it’s THAT important to you keep it. I don’t even think it’s a picture issue, it’s a “compromise usually consist of me backing down” issue.
Post # 11
Honestly I feel like you are creating a problem where there isn’t one. Why do you care so much about his old pics?
Post # 12
Oh and it wasn’t a few momentos, it was several ex-girlfriends, letters, cards, etc, I saw at least one that was semi nude.
Post # 13
Thanks, it actually makes me feel better than a few women agree with him. I guess I need to go work on my trust issues
Post # 14
I think the bigger concern here would be the lying. Why did he need to lie about what was in them and then shred them?
Post # 15
He either lied becaue he’s hiding something or because he thought it might upset me and he wanted to spare my feelings. I think that was his intention all along, to scan them. He had a new scanner, he saw the photos… that’s what I thought when I saw them in the trunk. I think he shredded them so he could say he did. I don’t think he expected me to ask if he had scanned them. I just don’t get it. I don’t want to keep things like that. The past is the past.
Post # 16
What you see is what you get!
This is my advice to you – coming from someone who has been married before. The way things are right now with you two regarding those pics and his response is the way things are going to be in the future. If you’re okay with how things went down, great! If you don’t like it, don’t like the way it makes you feel, don’t feel comfortable with it – then this is a red flag. I’m not going to advise you on how you should feel. My advice is to pay attention to the way you feel. I know this isn’t romantic but I have a saying… “There is no such thing as Mr. Right, only Mr. Tolerable.” Yo have to determine what you are willing to tolerate.