(Closed) Help needed – my fiance tried to cheat on me but couldn't go through with it.

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3149 posts
Sugar bee

So, had you not texted him right then he would have cheated?

I wouldn’t deal with this. He wanted to before, he’ll want to again.

Post # 4
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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bluegal04 :  Having a porn addiction is something serious. It means his mind is constantly full of other women and he can’t get enough. I don’t know why people tend to think pornography is normal. He needs therapy and if I were you, I would put the wedding on hold for now. I’ve been where you are so I can’t say I would hang onto the relationship because they usually don’t change. The fact that his intention was to cheat means it was pre-meditated so who knows what else he’s done or has planned to do and hasn’t told you? He’s not trust-worthy and at some point he will be able to push past the guilt and go through with it. Getting off to women other than your girlfriend/FI/spouse is cheating in my book so I don’t know how you stood for that. I’m sorry you’re going through this bee! Hugs!

Post # 5
Member
3149 posts
Sugar bee

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bluegal04 :  Well, he was there because he wanted to be there. Something inside of him wanted to cheat. Whether that was a momentary weakness, or something he’ll succumb to in the future is yet to be seen. Personally, I wouldn’t wait around to find out, but I’m not in your shoes. Sounds like he still has some growing left to do as far as committed relationships go. He went out of his way to avoid you and hide things from you. This was all pre-meditated, he didn’t just appear there and no one forced him. He was there because he wanted to be, as hard as that is to face.

For what it’s worth, I broke up with an ex who had a porn addiction. I didn’t care to compete with unrealistic expectations. I ended it before he got to the cheating part, but he was already walking down that path. I wasn’t going to walk with him. Life is stressful enough as it is without adding all that to it – for me it wasn’t worth it. After two years I decided to leave with my dignity intact and not put myself through the struggle anymore. 

You need to do what’s best for you. Have enough self-respect to be brave enough to put yourself first. 

Post # 6
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

sounds like you’re going to spend the rest of your married life getting std tested / being worried if/when he goes through it and doesn’t tell you. Run. Do not gamble your health on him.

Post # 7
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee

cancel the wedding, leave him

Post # 8
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Sorry bee, but your guy went through a lot of premeditated steps before he cut it off. He flirted with this lady, asked for her number, communicated with her, made plans with her, met her… Maybe they didn’t kiss or have sex, but for 3 days he walked around behaving as if he was not in an exclusive relationship. He can cry all he wants, but he cheated.

Honestly, with all of his other issues, I’d say leave. But if you don’t feel that’s right for you, at least postpone the wedding. This man needs help. Do not commit to him until he’s committed to helping himself.

Post # 9
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Also as a sidenote – I can’t stand it when any man refers to a ‘last hurrah’ in any context -whether they go through with it or not. Is that the kind of marriage you want for yourself, the one that starts with the man requiring or desiring one last ‘hurrah’? Because the placement of ‘last’ before ‘hurrah’ implies he doesn’t think he’ll ever get that feeling from you. Honestly I find it revolting and insulting, and pretty telling of the standard he’s placing on your life together.

Post # 10
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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mariana1114 :  agree 1000% – like when people refer to their hen/stag as their “last night of freedom” – so gross! You should be so excited to be marrying your soulmate, not mourning your so called freedom. Equally, you’re not “free” and available just because you’re not married- you’re still engaged!!

Post # 11
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I think you should hold off on getting married. Replace the word porn with drug. Would you still want to marry someone with a drug addiction or want them to sort themselves out first? Addiction can cause someone to act in a way regardless of the consequences. Don’t live the consequences.  

Post # 12
Member
5648 posts
Bee Keeper

You describe your relationship as perfect and wonderful and then much later mention incendently “I should note my fiance is a porn addict and suffers from erectile dysfunction and requires ‘medicine’ to help him in bed”

thats major. That overrides all your writing about your perfect set up. 

This cheating incident is just a symptom of a much bigger issue. 

Id urge you to get help from groups supporting those in relationships with addicts before you decide to marry him. 

Of course people get in recovery and enjoy healthy relationships but not everyone manages it and even then it’s a long process and I’d suggest you only commit your life to someone who’s been in recovery a very long time and in a healthy place – and he’s so far away from that at the moment. 

I do hope youll cancel the wedding and get some really good support for yourself regardless of what he does or doesn’t do.

Post # 13
Member
4768 posts
Honey bee

Honestly, your “perfect relationship” sounds completely suffocating and rife with insecurity before you even get to the recent incident or the porn addiction.

Constant texting or whatsapp or location finder or skyping?  Having to answer right away?  Do neither of you work or go to school or have other friends or hobbies?  I can’t imagine constantly being tied to my phone and being in constant contact with anyone – even my SO.  

You clearly don’t trust him and now he’s given you reason not to.  Cancel the wedding, get individual therapy for your trust and insecurity issues, and couples counseling if you feel like salvaging this relationship. 

Post # 14
Member
3057 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I personally don’t think sex has to occur for it to be cheating. Picking up another woman is pretty bad.

Your Fiance needs help and has to get that help before he can settle down with anyone. You maybe okay doing the work with him but it will be a struggle his whole life. 

Post # 15
Member
13545 posts
Honey Beekeeper

He didn’t “almost” cheat. He did cheat. And why would you marry someone with a porn and sex addiction?  I would be so done and out of there. 

The topic ‘Help needed – my fiance tried to cheat on me but couldn't go through with it.’ is closed to new replies.

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