(Closed) Help, No children at wedding (very bad reactions)

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You are NOT in the wrong!!  I may sound horrible but I dont even want children at my ceremony!!..I do not hate kids, im a preschool teacher even!!  Its personal preference,  stick to your original plans, it would be a different story if the child was old enough to know what is even going on..sorry you are dealing with this )0=   

Post # 18
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Stick to your guns!  It is silly to suggest that a 4 year old or a 1 year old would enjoy or even remember your adult only wedding.  Not to mention that their parents will not be able to enjoy themselves, or worse yet, another guest at your wedding will get stuck watching the kids for your brother and sister.  An evening wedding is no place for a toddler, will your brother and sister leave early so they can get them bathed and put to bed?  My niece and nephew did not come to my wedding, and we had dinner with them this past Sunday, trust me that neither of them have been traumatized by it!  I am sorry that your brother and sister are trying to make YOUR wedding about them and their kids, just remember that it isn’t about them at all, and at the end of the day they’ll probably thank you for getting a fun grown-up night out without them.

Post # 19
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Don’t feel bad, it’s your choice! We’re having a no kids rule as well. We made the exception for 3 but 2 of those are in the bridal party and the other is immediate family. Apart from them, no kids. I am fully expecting to be bitched at about this but not only would we have to pay per head for a bunch of kids we don’t even know but weddings are not really children friendly I find. They either get bored or silly and their parents somehow lose control over them or think it’s cute when they’re throwing cake around lol.

Unlike me, you’ve made it clear that NO kids are coming so you can easily say that this is your preference for your big day and it would not be fair to make exceptions for them but not for others. A 1 year old would actually be a lot of hassle to have at a wedding so you’re definitely doing your brother a big favour lol. And if your sister is prone to getting very drunk, it’s definitely best you stick to your guns for her daughters sake.

 

Post # 20
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m sorry they are giving you a hard time.  As they are not paying for the wedding, they really should keep their comments to themselves.  I agree with the PP who said next time your sister goes clubbing and gets a sitter ask her to use them again for the wedding.  If she refuses, ask her why it’s ok to leave her kid to go to the club but not your wedding which they will likely NEVER remember.  As for your brother, I do think he is a new dad and being extra sensitive but the same still applies.  Ask him to recall one event from when he was 1.  Ask him to detail his “experience”.  If he can’t tell him then his son will not miss much either.  Good luck.

Post # 21
Member
1875 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Child free weddings are pefectly ok and you shouldn’t feel bad about wanting one!  Just calmly say that this is a decision that you and your Fiance made and are sticking to it.  Parents should understand that their kids are not welcome everywhere.  However, it’s probably a good idea to prepare yourself for a few people to decline.  Some may legitimately not be able to find a sitter (normal sitter could be busy and they don’t feel comfortable leaving their child with a stranger, etc.).

Also, children are not an all or nothing thing.  It’s perfectly acceptable to only invite children in the wedding party or just nieces or nephews (close family).  So another possibility is to just invite your niece and nephew but not invite any other kids.

Post # 22
Member
3189 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Ughhh my ILs were like this and won because Fiance also wanted his nephew there, I never seemed to be able to get it in their heads that a one year old really could not care less whether or not they come to my wedding, it’s not like their feelings are going to be hurt! And all the four year old needs to be told is that it is a special grownup event and she gets to have fun hanging out with his dad’s family.

Do your parents understand the no kids wedding idea, could they call your siblings to back you up? If not, I would call both siblings – phone is better than e-mail, and tell them how difficult planning has been because you are trying to make everyone happy, but that this is you and FI’s wedding so in the end the decisions are yours to make about what kind of event you would like to have, and that you love your niece and nephew so much but you and Fiance want a romantic adult reception. I’d tell them that it was not an easy decison to make, but that it is your final decision, and that you’d appreciate it if they did not guilt you about it, you’ve already cried over their e-mails during what should be a happy time for you, and your niece and nephew aren’t even old enough to remember attending the wedding or understand what is happening. Then I’d add that you’re sorry if they’re unhappy with your decision but it’s no longer open for discussion, you hope they can get over this and be happy for you as you prepare for your marriage.

Post # 23
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Usually when I read these posts, I think “Wow, that would be really hurtful if my own sister didn’t want her NEPHEW at her wedding”. But, just now, I realized that I left my (then 1 year old) son with a sitter for my sister’s wedding! lol. I didn’t think anything of it. I was the Maid/Matron of Honor, it was late, and, at the time, it just seemed like a normal thing to do. I don’t think what you’re expecting is unreasonable, but it might just be coming off hurtful when they hear “I don’t care enough about my niece/nephew to have them share my special day” (not that those are necessarily your words, but it seems like that’s how they are receiving them).

Could you filter the request through someone else (your mom? another sibling)? Can you offer to arrange a sitter and tell them you just want them to have a relaxing night out without the kids? 

Post # 24
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

When I saw the post title, I thought “I could have written the same thing.” Had a MAJOR blow-up with my brother and SIL-they misunderstood and thought we were excluding their child specifically because he has developmental delays- it was HORRIFIC. (My Mom ended up having to intervene, because I didn’t think they were coming to the wedding, and that my brother and I would be estranged)

You have every right to say who will and will not be at the wedding. It does seem a little odd that you have kids at the ceremony, though- older kids? (we’re not having children at either) If we allowed kids, we would have had ten ages five and under. My vows are the most important thing I will have done to this point in my life, and no, I don’t want that special, sacred moment disturbed by a temper tantrum/wailing.

I’m finding babysitters for our out of town guests- maybe you have friends that aren’t invited to the wedding, whom you could ask to babysit? Neither child is going to remember you wedding day. Is there a room at the reception venue that could be set up for the kids?

If your parents agree with you (and I really hope they do), it might help to have them talk to your siblings. My brother had assumed that my wedding was going to be like his- a daytime event. When Mom told him that it was an an evening affair, with dinner starting around my nephew’s bedtime, it changed his tune. Also, our venue is not kid-friendly- it’s in a museum, and you can NOT touch- they would have had to hold his hand the entire time-would not have been a fun night for any of them.

Another perspective: My brother and SIL don’t take my nephew to church, or to nice restaurants. Which is basically what our wedding will be- a religious service (not in a church, but still…), and fine dining. If a child isn’t normally brought to those places, your wedding’s not the right place for a test run.

I’ve told 3 other mothers that it’s “no children,” and have had no grief from them. I think the issue is FAMILY- there’s that fine line of “you’re family, so you HAVE to be invited” (another challenge we’re going to have with FMIL) 

Whew! I’m still really emotional about this (happened over a month ago, and it will affect these family relationships for a long time), but I’m glad we stuck to what WE wanted (like you, we made this decision over a year ago, seeing kids at another wedding). It’s OUR day.
Your brother and sister have time- hopefully they’ll be adults and get over it. Good luck!

Post # 25
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I missed out on a few weddings when I was little because they were kid free, and my parents were more than happy to go without us!! But with some people get super offended when it comes to their kids not being able to come. No idea why, but its an annoying part of planning things like this. Stick to your guns!!! I wanted a kid free wedding, but how people are in my family, no one would come!!

Post # 26
Member
6377 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

We had an adults only wedding (with the exception of the kids in the Bridal Party and those from OOT). We didn’t even invite our new born niece. Not a single person complained. Our guests respected that it was our wedding and they didn’t get a say. Actually, most of the parents who were in attendance looked forward to a night off.

I always find it insanely rude when family members complain about their loved ones choices for their weddings. Your siblings have been given more than enough notice to make arrangements. It sounds to me like your sister is just trying to be difficult. The last thing you need on your wedding day is to have to watch your nephew because your sister can’t manage to be a responsible parent and tend to her own children. As for your brother, is he aware that a 1 year old will never remember this or any other event that they attend? I can understand if he wants his kid to be in family pictures (we had our niece brought down for those but she went right back to the hotel room after) but saying that he needs to be there to “experience” your wedding is a load of crap.

Don’t give in. 

Post # 27
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m going through a similar situation with my brother’s son, who is 2 (will be 3 for the wedding). He is our ringboy, so he will be at our ceremony. But I am going ot offer a babysitter for him at the hotel. Since he and his sister (who will be 11 and my junior bridesmaid) will be the only kids invited, I figure that the parents can just leave for five minutes, drop the kids off with the babysitter and come back and enjoy the night.

Post # 28
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Definitely don’t give in. Everyone has their own agenda, but yours should be the most important on your wedding day. And that’s that.

Post # 29
Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m debating having kids.  I don’t really want them but all of our families live out of town and those are the ones with kids.  I’d either not have a lot of people I really want there or have to pay for a sitter for everyone.  I know nearly all of the potential children moderately well so will probably just have them.

That said, you are being more than courteous and don’t let people emotionally blackmail you about your wedding.  Tell your brother and sister that while they may have feelings on this issue, you and your fiance also have feelings–and you’re footing the bill.  So you understand that they are disappointed but the no children rule stands.  You’ve given them plenty of time to find an available sitter.

Post # 30
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

rough! i’m dreading that when our invites go out, the close family knows we want an adult receiption as well, but some of our friends are going to have fresh babies at the time so it will be very interesting how it pans out.

Stay strong though! Its not like your springing this on them last minute. If being at the wedding is importaint to them they will get a babysitter.

Post # 31
Member
743 posts
Busy bee

Its your wedding so its your decision and they have to be respectful of that. 

However i will allow my neices and nephews at the wedding since they are so close to me.  Obviously they will be sent off to bed fairly early, but at least they can be there for some of the day.  No one else will be permitted to bring children though. Are you not close with the kids at all?

 

 

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