- 10 years ago
- Wedding: February 2013
I know it feels bad, but stick to your guns!
I know it feels bad, but stick to your guns!
@Jenniphyr: I’m not trying to be snarky, promise, but if a decision the bride & groom made ‘feels bad,’ then why would they make it? In general, if a decision ‘feels bad,’ then it’s probably not a good decision.
I’m just trying to figure out what the logic is behind excluding neices/nephews when people are knowingly hurting their brother/sister.
I fully support anyone’s right to choose who they invite to their weddings, including the right to choose to have only adults. My wedding was adult-only except for our flower girl (DH’s niece) and her brother. None of our friends had children but there were other family kids who were not invited. We now have a child of our own and in several cases he has not been invited to weddings and we’ve either gone without him or one of us has gone alone while the other parent stayed home with DS.
(That said, in retrospect I regret not inviting the few kids that we excluded from our wedding.)
You are not doing anything wrong- it is yours and Fiance decision to make-stick with it!
I agree that its your wedding and you are free to do what you want. I applaud you for letting children be present at the actual ceremony, and I understand your reasoning behind not having them at the ceremony, I guess. If this is going to be such a point of conflict with family, etc, have you thought about having a seperate space at the reception site for the kiddos? Maybe hire a sitter or two and have them play games, do activities, watch movies, etc? If may cost a little more in the long run, but it could save a lot of conflict and drama with those that are closest to you.
That is horrible that a crying child ‘ruined’ your vows. With that said, it is not the child’s fault, it is the fault of the parent(s) for not removing the child from the ceremony at first peep, or just not taking the child to the ceremony if they were not in a position to keep the child quite. Also, someone (maybe you or Fiance, or another trusted family member) should have told the parents, before the wedding day, to remove the child if they make a peep, as to not interrupt the ceremony.
I agree that not all children need to be invited to a wedding, but when it comes to direct family members (nieces/nephews), they should be invited because it will directly affect a brother/sister. If a bro/sis is okay with not having their kiddo there, then cool…but if they will have hurt feelings, it’s a different story.
I also agree that it’s a fact of life that not everyone wants children at their wedding…but it’s not always about what YOU WANT, it’s about what is best for your family. Her decision isn’t only hurting me, it’s hurting my parents, brother, grandma, etc…she’s started a huge family problem that didn’t need to happen, all for vanity.
In addition, I found it interesting that you told me to get over myself. Since my sister announced that my kids (as well as any other family and non-family children) are not invited, almost everyone I have told this to thinks that my sister and her Fiance should get over themselves. Family comes before anything, and knowingly hurting your family members because you want a certain ‘atmosphere’ at your wedding is inexcusable.
I know I’m a little bit of a fox in a hen house with my position on this topic on a wedding website, which mostly brides are reading (I was a bride at one time too, so I know how it goes). I also know that I probably won’t change anyone’s mind on not inviting nieces/nephews or other children to their wedding if they don’t want them there, but I also think that it’s good to have a full view, and an alternative opinion, of how your decision may/will affect a family and/or friends, not only before or on a wedding day, but after a wedding too. Brides/grooms may not ‘get it’ now, but one day, you will be parents (most of you), and you will ‘get it.’ Children are extensions of yourself (not reflections…two very different things) and if something is done to them, you may as well do it to their parent.
As someone who worked in a daycare with babies to 6 year olds, I have no problem saying that some kids dont belong at weddings. No kid under 6 is going to have the attention span to sit for 1 1/2 hours listening to an adult mass. I have a son (4) and if we get invited to weddings, he takes his leapster and plays in with the sound OFF or if he’s having an off day I leave him at home
I am not defined my by son and if someone doesn’t want kids there I totally understand. Some kids just can’t handle things and WILL act up. They will. There are 4 year olds at my old job that couldn’t sit for 10 minutes and 2 year olds who could sit for an hour coloring quietly. You never know and someone’s wedding shouldn’t be an event the bride and groom should gamble on weather or not a kid should be well behaved.
I myself am having almost as many kids as adults at my wedding and reception, but I know what that means and that’s becasue kids are an important part of my life. I wholeheartedly expect crying, tantrums, and babbling. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Again, that’s me, and as a early childhood development major i so understand why that’s not everyone.
So yes, get over yourself
@MommyofTwo: We told the witless parents that children weren’t invited. They chose to ignore us, and turned up late so we couldn’t remove them. The registar had to stop in the MIDDLE OF OUR WEDDING VOWS because their fucking brat was screaming so loud she couldn’t hear herself. Even then the witless breeders didn’t get the message. They had to be told to remove themselves and their brat. They were also told not to turn up at our reception. If they had I would have punched them in their smug faces.
It’s a decade later and I am STILL LIVID whenever I think about it. How dare they think that they could ignore our wishes and bring an univited guest – and yes, that’s what their brat was – along?
If I had it my way I would have no children period at my wedding. I love my soon to be nephew and soon to be neice (who will be 6 months are our wedding) but some things are just easier with no children. Especially when there is a group of them to just feed off eachother to be bad. Fiance wants his nephew and soon to be neice to be apart of everything so I made an exception for two but I am only dealing with the two who will be fine there *hopefully*. If there were multiple, multiple children involved where you can’t make an excpetion for only a few it would be all or none for me. Preferable none.
In your circumstances, I agree with you! If a FRIEND (I guess not so much of a friend, right?) brought their child to your wedding, uninvited, and they ruined your wedding on top of it…that is just not right. That sounds awful. Friend’s children are in a different hierarchy then your brother or sisters child…your niece or nephew.
In my case, even if my sister and Fiance later decide to invite our kids to any part of their wedding, I would not bring them for the exact situation you described (but not that bad). It has been told to my husband and I, many times, that they do not want interruptions during any part of their wedding…rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, ceremony, cocktail hour or reception. Thus, my kids are not coming to anything because I do not want to be blamed for any little noise they may or may not make. On a side note, my sister thinks I’m being a selfish bitch because I won’t bring them for a family picture, either. My husband and I feel that if they aren’t important enough to be welcomed at any part of her wedding, it shouldn’t be all that important to have them in a picture.
If bride can give me a good, fully thought out answer, as to why their own niece/nephew aren’t invited to their wedding, when they are knowingly hurting their brother/sister, besides the fact that ‘they are the bride, and they should get what they want,’ I’d REALLY love to hear the reason. I’m not meaning to sound snarky…I promise…
@MommyofTwo: My SIL (my husband’s sister) was already making plans to have a sitter for her kids after the ceremony (they were in the wedding) before I told her not to worry about it, they could be there. All my friends were happy to get a night away from their kids, only family members were allowed to bring their kids. BUT, if I told them all they couldn’t have brought them, they would have understood.
I think that guilt tripping your sister into this is just wrong. Let her deal with her guilt later (if she has any) and do as she wishes. If you can’t, then don’t come. You have a right to your opinion, just as she does – but that doesn’t make either of you right.
@MommyofTwo: It sounds like you’re a bit biased becasue of the feelings on anger that your kids can’t go the a wedding of your family memebrs. I ask you this, how old are your kids? Are they hurt that they are not going? Did they express anger in hearing they are not invited? Why do you want them there? What do they add to the experence, in your opinion?
They’re babies. They’re not going to remember. grow up and be resentful. Why do you see it as an attack on you? You and your children are seperate people-your family wants to share this remarkable moment with you! They have events in the ceremony that they want everyone to hear and share in the love of the moment. They want you to hear their vows and them profess their love for eachother. They don’t want your cute children to cry and then you walk out and miss a wonderful moment in their lives. Your baby (or even young child) isn’t going to understand. They’re going to be bored and want to watch Dora or Sponegbob or play with toys.
I’m not guilt tripping her at all. My husband and I aren’t bringing our kids, period. We live 6 hours away and are leaving them at home with my Mother-In-Law & Father-In-Law. If we brought them, they would be stuck in a hotel room all weekend, and we don’t think that is in their best interest, nor ours, or fair to my Mother-In-Law or Father-In-Law (they would be watching them). It will be much better that they are in their own home, with Nana & Papa.
I am doing my very best to put aside the hurt feelings before her wedding, and deal with them afterwards. It’s just so hard…she’s my sister, and we’ve always had a good relationship. And, I’m trying not to take it personal, since no kids are invited, but my kids happen to be their only nephews, so it’s a bit more personal then if they had lots of nieces/nephews from multiple siblings.
It was very nice of you to put her kids in your wedding…I WISH my sister was as wonderful a bride as you. Just to hear her reaction, ask your SIL how she would have felt if you and your Fiance told her that her kids were not invited to any portion of your wedding. I’m guessing she would have been pretty hurt.
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