(Closed) Help, No children at wedding (very bad reactions)

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 62
Member
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@MommyofTwo:  I will ask her this, to see what she would say. I will be interested in hearing her opinion.

As a not – ever parent, i can’t say what I would do, or how I would feel. I guess because you are sisters, it is a bit different than a cousin’s child, or friend’s. I actually wanted them in my wedding because they are so adorable (at the time, 5, 3, and 5 MONTHS- total angel the whole day, btw) and I wanted to be able to show them off to my friends and family (I may be biased, but they are gorgeous kids) and also be able to show them how much a part of our wedding they were when they get older (and can probably only remember small bits, and the baby wouldn’t remember anything). It was purely selfish reasons, but thinking more about it now, I am so glad that we did it. I do think my SIL would be hurt if we would have told them no. And she is like a sister to me, and I just couldn’t have let that happen. I love those kids like they are my blood

(side note – hubs and I were talking about the baby being involved, and decided that a 5 month old ring bearer in a teeny tiny tux was just too cute a photo op to pass up. my SIL was surprised when I told her we wanted him there, and we quickly decided that he would be pulled by big brother down the aisle in a wagon with a beautiful covering she made in our wedding colors. I can still vividly remember hearing the GASP and then AWWWW as he was pulled down the aisle, busily chewing my parents 30 year old ring pillow.)

Post # 63
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think the OP has the right to have a child free wedding if she wants to.  I’m an only child and the youngest in the family, so I don’t have an neices or nephews…. or experience with kids in general, but kids are allowed at my wedding.  I’m a little worried about crying babies at the ceremony, but I’m also worried about weather and wind and lots of other stuff that happens outdoors…   The big thing that I’m worried about is the kids that are old enough to know what is going on being upset by something involving alcohol or drunk people.  I was always the kid that some crazy parents took to the bar or the concert or the drunk fests and I hated it!   I hated being around drunk adults and having beer poured on me or getting stepped on and feeling way out of place.  I wish my parents would have left me home more. :-  I really really hope nothing bad happens to a kid at my wedding that will upset them….. but I am planning an adult centered event and everyone knows that.  I’d say stick to your guns.   The kid may thank you one day :- 

Post # 64
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

@MommyofTwo:  I have a feeling based on your wedding date, that your children are young- four and under, and I correct? Or are they older? Their ages may have a big impact on your sister’s decision (I can elaborate) MissFlowerPot had some good questions: Are they hurt that they are not going? Did they express anger in hearing they are not invited? Why do you want them there? What do they add to the experence, in your opinion?

Post # 65
Member
1417 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Stick to your guns. We are having a child-free wedidng because, to me, children = fun killers at big events like this.

In fact, the other day we were at a friends ‘welcome home’ party and there were about 5 kids running around like Tasmanian Devils and we both turned to each other and expressed our gratitude that there will be NO children at our wedding. I wouldn’t have them attend at all, personally…

If you are very concerned about this, then I would perhaps see if your siblings would be okay with you hiring someone to care for the children in another area of the venue/hotel during the wedding and see what they say…

Post # 66
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think that if you’re having a childfree wedding, you should have a child free ceremony.

Did you make the 4 year old a flower girl? Maybe that’s what the mom is upset with, that her daughter didn’t get picked. I don’t think children belong at a wedding, just as they don’t belong in fancy restaurants and bars.

I had a childfree wedding, but my 4 year old ringbearer was invited to both wedding and reception.

Post # 67
Member
1417 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MommyofTwo:  I’m sorry but I think this is ridiculous. Not wanting your children at her wedding has nothing to do with her desire to have you there, nor should it be interpreted as such. If our siblings had children we’d say the same thing to them – leave ’em home! Not only that, if had children I’d be happy to spend a night away and having a night out!

I want all of my guests to have an amazing time at my wedding. I want them to eat, drink and be merry. And, like it or not, children, especially young ones, take away from that atmosphere! Some people don’t mind, but myself and Fiance do. If kids are running around, wreaking havoc, playing games, etc. it will detract from everyone enjoying themselves, most of all the parents of these children. My desire NOT to have children at my wedding doesn’t speak to my relationship with the children OR their parents, but rather my desire that my wedding be an adult-only atmosphere without children playing games of tag or chasing each other throughout my venue! Cut your sister some slack and respect her wishes for one day…

In your defense, I think your sister is being totally ridiculous to expect you to bring the children just for a family photo…kids are either ALL in or ALL out.

Post # 68
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

New to this site, but as the mother of the bride (10/’13) I must say something. I know this sounds old fashioned and I hate that BUT…. weddings are expensive, they are celebrations of two people coming together in a holy bond, they are to honor the bride and groom. They are not a ‘free-for-all’ venue for a family outing provided so people can ‘include’ their children in the big event. If these folks think their kids should go everywhere with them–then don’t go to a wedding!! Take your kids to a zoo or a children’s play that day or evening. Do not expect everyone (and their parents) to appreciate the cute antics of your child whom you have yet to teach about manners, courtesy, table appropriate behavior and inside voices. My first daughter’s wedding included a dozen kids (because the flower girl was nine) and I made a “kids table” festooned with candy bouquets, candy place holders, special lemonade dispenser at the table and we placed the parents of these little people at the tables directly adjacent to the kids table….so they had to deal with the behaviors.

Post # 69
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

@MommyofTwo:  Sooo wrong……the wedding day is about her—-the bride and groom and what THEY want at their celebration. It so is not about you and/or your kids. Get over it.

 

Post # 70
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MommyofTwo:  It was my then FI’s COUSIN child, not a FRIEND. AND IT MADE NO F**KING DIFFERENCE. A child is a child. I don’t care whose brat it is, it’s still not welcome to ruin my wedding ceremony!  

My late Mother-In-Law never spoke to that cousin again for what they did. It was her only son’s wedding, and with their selfish entitlement attitude, that they somehow had the right to inflict their brat on our day reduced her to tears. I had to spend at least an hour calming her down at the reception.  

Post # 71
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2007

@MrsSl82be – The vision of what you are describing is seriously making me cry.  I guess that’s why it’s so hurtful to me.  If the situation was in reverse, her kids would be in my wedding.  I would be so proud to have them part of my family, I’d want to show them off to everyone, and I’d want them to be a part of the biggest day of my life…regardless if they would remember the experience, or not, or if they would ‘add to the experience,’ or not.  If they cried or asked for their mom, it would be okay with me, they are my nieces/nephews…like you said…my blood.

@MissFlowerPot – I am very bias in my opinion because of my situation right now, but no more bias then a bride who currently thinks that ‘it’s their wedding, and they should get what they want.’ 

@MissFlowerPot  & @rebwana Yes, my kids will be almost 2 and 3.5 years old for the wedding….here are the answers to the questions…

Question 1)  Are they hurt that they are not going? Have they expressed anger?   *I* am hurt that they are not going…and I am her Maid/Matron of Honor and only sister…is that not enough?  And, with your logic, will skipping big events for the first 5 years of their life, like Christmas, Birthdays, Easter, Halloween, etc… hurt them, or will they express anger…no…they would have no idea….but, is that the right thing to do…no, obviously not.  And, in their future, if they ask why they were not in the pictures of their aunts wedding, I am going to be very honest with them (when they are old enough) and tell them the truth…she did not want them there. 

Question 2) Why do you want them there?   I would like them there because of what I said above in the 1st paragraph of this response, above.  And, they are my sister’s family too, along with my parent’s grandchildren, my brother’s nephews, and my grandma’s great grandchildren, etc…  They are a part of OUR family. 

Question 3)  What do they add to the experience, in your opinion?  It’s not so much what they would add, but what would be missing from her wedding and our family…two important little guys that mean the world to me (her only sister and MOH) and our parents, and should mean the world to her, too.

I’m signing off now…but thanks for the input.  I started reading these boards to see how other brides felt about having a ‘no kids’ wedding, and it’s clearly bias because most of you on here are brides, and a lot of you have the ‘it’s my day, etc…’ mentality at this point…I hope it doesn’t follow you into marriage.  It’s very interesting that when I post on my ‘mommy boards,’ (all women with children)…they all think my sister is a selfish brat for not including her nephews (gasp) and she needs to get over herself, but the brides think I’m the selfish brat, and I should get over myself.  I guess all of this has taught me that it completely depends on your position in a wedding, as well as in life, as to how you view things, and what is right, and not.  Weddings sure do show some true colors in people!

Good luck with your upcoming weddings!

Post # 72
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@MommyofTwo:  I’m sorry you felt attacked. FWIW, I agree with you. I would be hurt if I wanted my child to experience a sibling’s wedding & he wasn’t invited. I would be even more hurt if he was referred to as a “brat” (hello, a little maturity, ladies? Did you forget that you were a child once? We all were, it’s a fact of life that children have to exist & you’d better learn to deal with them). I’m sorry, I get the desire for a child free wedding (I guess…), but seriously, I think some women here are a little over the top. If the day is about you & only you, then I think you need to elope. Otherwise, it’s worth considering family dynamics, as you’re asking them to share in your special day.

I don’t expect to bring my “brat” everywhere (in fact, I’m attending 2 weddings this year without him, and I didn’t bring him to my sister’s- no problem), but  some of the comments here are just outright ignorant. Seriously, I think some of you will change your tune once you have children (cue the “I’m never having children!” comments…)

Post # 73
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It’s your wedding, and whatever you choose to do is your business, being that you are the one paying.

 

I personally won’t exclude children but only because I’m a younger bride and have brothers and sisters under 18 and because my daughter is 2. But I wouldn’t judge you based on your choice 🙂

 

With that being said, Im still in shock that anyone would call any child a f*****g brat. I would blame the parents, not the child.

Post # 74
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It’s your wedding and they need to respect that. We are also having no kids at our wedding and I’m waiting for the day that I have issues arise.  We are doing it because our pocketbooks cannot afford to have everyone and their kids eat.  People need to understand you arent doing it to be rude and they are the rude ones in demanding their children be there when they arent even old enough to understand or “enjoy” what’s going on.  Tell them politely that you are not having kids at the wedding and that the number of guests has already been turned into the caterer and you cannot change it.

Post # 75
Member
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think for most people, the kids or no kids comes down to noise level, and cost. Almost every person who decided to not have kids, or to severely cut the kids list, is due to money. I think if more people were just firm and honest, “I’m sorry, but we cannot afford/do not have the room capacity to accomodate all the children we would have to invite. We can’t pick and choose, so we had to make the decision to cut children out. I hope you understand, and if you can’t come for that reason,  I do understand”. Hell, put that on a piece of paper and include it with the invite

Post # 76
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@MrsSl82be:  I agree with this sentiment. It’s just kind of harsh because a LOT of comments on this thread (and other similar threads) are “I don’t want brats ruining MY day”…that’s completely different. I can’t imagine referring to my niece as a brat without it being a personal insult to my sister (who I love), and I can’t imagine anyone having those feelings towards my son without it being a personal insult to me.

 

 

The topic ‘Help, No children at wedding (very bad reactions)’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors