(Closed) HELP!!! Nursing Entrance Essay!

posted 7 years ago in College
Post # 3
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Is it “license nursing program” or “licensed nursing program”?

I would delete the second sentence in the second parahraph because I don’t think it adds much value. I’d reference obtaining your CNA somewhere else. I really like the rest of that paragraph.

In the last paragraph, I think you should say “I am applying to the part-time program because I want to remain in my position as <job title> at the Hutchinson Clinic.” You can add another sentence about why gaining practical experience is good and why you enjoy that job and don’t want to give it up.

I don’t think you mentioned any weaknesses.

Post # 4
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

You need to change the wording when referring to the actual program to either the LPN program or the licensed practical nursing/nurse program as it is actually referred to. As far as grammar and sentence structure, I can offer no help as that is not my strong area. 🙂

I am an LPN currently in an ADN-RN program and never had to write an essay for entrance, but I feel you have a great essay here!

Post # 6
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@FutureMrs.Morgan:  yeah, I think what you wrote sounds great! If it were me, I would not say “I feel” but just start the sentence with “Applying the knowledge I gain through nursing school…”

Post # 7
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Okay, English MA student here, I don’t hold back.  I tell all of my friends that my edits are constructive criticism and if you ignore them I won’t be offended, so please don’t be offended if I rip it apart.

 

When you generally think of the word nurse you think of someone who cares for someone who is sick. Thinking about it seems easy; however, I believe there is more to being a nurse then a simple definition. To me there are many diverse characteristics that make someone a good nurse. ((Like what? These two sentences are pointless if you don’t elaborate.)) I honestly believe that I am well-suited ((Word choice, “well-suited” doesn’t feel like your strongest option.)) to become a nurse and would be an asset to the Hutchinson Community College license nursing program. I am motivated, responsible, open to communication, and enthusiastic, and these are also important traits that a nurse needs. ((I would re-order this sentence, it runs on too long with the commas and “ands.”))

Since 2009 I have worked at the Hutchinson Clinic as a Patient Care Assistant. Employment at the Hutchinson Clinic is the only medical experienced job I have had since I have obtained my CNA license. ((Why are you pointing that out? It only serves to make you sound less qualified. If you want to point this out, say something like “I started working at the Hutchinson Clinic as a Patient Care Assistant after I earned my CNA license in 2009.” Then put some sentence about what you do, then how working there has inspired you to futher your education.)) While working at the Hutchinson Clinic I have been inspired by those around me to further my education. I could not ((Make this present tense, not a perfect tense. “cannot”))  imagine working in a different field of study. Nursing is a profession that is exciting, ever changing, diverse and allows opportunity for learning something new everyday. ((This is a great use of adjectives without being over-descriptive.))

 

I am choosing the part-time license nursing program to still be able to work in the position I currently have with the Hutchinson Clinic. ((Instead of “I am choosing” say something like “I plan to participate in the part-time program”… it sounds more confident.)) I would ((Again, take out the perfect tense, just “I consider”)) consider myself a great asset to the license nursing program because while being employed at the Hutchinson Clinic I have worked in a wide variety of offices; ((This is not an appropriate use of a semi-colon. You just need a comma here.)) from surgery to pediatrics and also to ((You want to keep a similar structure in your sentences for readability)) family medicine. Over the past couple years I have gained experience in different aspects of nursing. ((This sencence is redundant and unneccesary.)) With my current position I am able to give injections, order and read lab work, obtain vital signs, send medications electronically and use ICD-9 coding to help with billing issues. I have the ability to help with numerous procedures such as colonoscopies, endoscopies, temporal lobe biopsies and lesion removals.  I have developed the compassion and commitment to medicine that will drive me through the years to come. ((“drive me through the years to come” sounds awkward to me… what are you trying to convey? can you phrase it more effectively?)) With the acceptance into the licensed nursing program I look forward to my future with great anticipation and excitement. ((I’d say instead of this, why don’t you say what you plan to do with this license?  “After receiving my LPN….”? I know a lot of programs like to see your future plans.))

 
Please don’t get bogged down by my editing. You sound very well-qualified and I’d let you in! 

Post # 8
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I am applying to the part time licensed practical nursing program because I want to remain in my current position with the Hutchinson Clinic. Applying what I gain through nursing school to my daily routine with patients will be an advantage to not only myself, but would benefit patients also.

This is a great addition.  (I changed it to “applying” as opposed to “I feel”– I agree that adding the word feel takes away some creditability.)

Post # 10
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@FutureMrs.Morgan:  So glad to hear! I was worried because some people take it personally, but I really do think you’ve got a great essay, it just needs to be tweaked or expanded in a few places.  It sounds like you love what you do and you’re going to be a great addition to their program. 

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