(Closed) Help!! Parents vs F Fiance Blowout

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I stay with SO despite the gigantic rift that seems unfixable??
    Yes, be independent and your family will come around : (99 votes)
    93 %
    No, fiance should try to fix problem with the family if he cares about you : (6 votes)
    6 %
    Fiance should apologize to fix problem : (1 votes)
    1 %
    Just give up and never bring a guy home to meet the 'rents again. : (0 votes)
  • Post # 46
    Member
    1043 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    You seem to think you can just maintain the status quo by keeping your family separate from your boyfriend.

    It won’t work. If you aren’t willing to stand up for your boyfriend and tell your family that they need to treat him with respect, he’ll eventually leave and find someone who will stand up for him. He deserves better.

    Post # 48
    Member
    723 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I just want to give you a huuuuuuge hug and a referral to my therapist.

    Seriously though. You know in your head to set firm boundaries with your parents, but your heart has absorbed years of taking care of them, worrying about their relationship, putting their well-being over yours, internalizing guilt for their unhappiness, etc…All I can say is, you have a long road ahead of you in working through these things, but your SO seems like a great man to have by your side, and you seem to have a good head on your shoulder. Invest in an amazing therapist. Your 30-year old self will view this as the best thing you could have possibly done, even better than going to med school, even better than marrying your SO. 

    I would give you more specific advice, but I know the deep-rooted issues of growing up in a dysfunctional family too well to condescend to you in that way. You do need to stick with the boundaries that you set for your parents. But beyond that, you need to get to a place, emotionally, where you don’t feel like it’s your responsibility to take care of them or their relationship. 

    Sending you lots of love and hugs.

    Post # 49
    Member
    8317 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

     Oh goodness OP, Indian and Italian parents  , and first generation immigrant… my hat would be off to you  for being even half as independant as you are !  Well done you , you are clearly   strong .

    She suggested that after a year of long distnace, we live and date in the same city but have our own space, but not live together.

    Your mum  probably sees this – which most of us would consider  appropriate advice  for a teenager rebelling  – as the height of liberality. I think all you can do is more of what  you are  already doing , stand fast, make sure SO knows you are on his side as it were. I predict  they will  come completely   round when your first child is born  , and probably not before..

     

    Post # 50
    Member
    2110 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Your SO sounds lovely and he also has the patience of a saint. 

    Tell your parents you are a grown ass woman and will make your own choices. Multiple people in your life have told you they are toxic and to stand up to them – stop seeking advice and do it (I mean that it the nicest way possible) 

    Post # 51
    Member
    3169 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’ve only skimmed other posts but it looks like you’re getting some great advice and are on the right track yourself. 

    I would only add that there is no harm in Fiance approaching your parents to smooth things over. I come from a family that places a lot of emphasis on respect for elders and I think it would go a long way. He doesn’t have to apologise as such, but perhaps he can reah out and say something along the lines of “I’m sorry we have gotten off on the wrong foot. With your permission I would hope we can put all of that behind us for your daughters sake since we both care for her” or something similar. They may not accept his offer but I feel it would be good for him to take the high road and to try to “bookend” the troubles. I’m not insane, I realise it likely won’t change anything, but I think it would demonstrate that he’s not going to be drawn into their drama etc

    Hang in there x

    Post # 52
    Member
    901 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    Your parents are way out of line and frankly, batshit crazy.

    Post # 54
    Member
    731 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    One of those options need to be stand up to your parents and don’t let them walk all over your SO. If some people you know were trashing a friend of yours would you say something (I hope so! That is what friends are for!). Why would you treat your fiends better than your SO? This isn’t your SO’S problem, it is *yours* and you need to fix it with your parents (because they are yours). You would want him to do the same if you were married and your Mother-In-Law went MIL-ZILLA on you.

    Post # 55
    Member
    228 posts
    Helper bee

    I am sorry you are going through this, it’s a nightmare situation.  If I were in your position I would point out to your parents who you described as divorced but sticking together for the sake of the kids  as people who you will not take relationship advice from.  The only way to tackle people who will not discuss issues  or give a fair hearing to different view points is to shine a big light on their own contradictions firmly and consistently in a non snarky or threatening way, just calmly and focused.   In most situations there is usually fault on both sides in this case I see no fault on your SO he is right in not setting the precedent of grovelling to them.  As a pp said if roles were reversed you would expect him to handle his parents.  Best of luck. 

    Post # 56
    Member
    515 posts
    Busy bee

    Your first and worst mistake was not living with your boyfriend (when it was a good arrangement) to placate your psycho parents. It’s on you to change the precedent. I certainly wouldn’t expect your boyfriend to run to your parents kowtowing for their bad behavior. You’re lucky he’s patient with you on this. I’d have ditched my partner for someone with much longer apron strings. 

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  redux.

    The topic ‘Help!! Parents vs F Fiance Blowout’ is closed to new replies.

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