MemberYou seem to think you can just maintain the status quo by keeping your family separate from your boyfriend.
It won’t work. If you aren’t willing to stand up for your boyfriend and tell your family that they need to treat him with respect, he’ll eventually leave and find someone who will stand up for him. He deserves better.
MemberThanks for your reply. I should have made clearer in my post that I’ve been standing up for him since this started months ago- my parents just won’t change. I’ve used everything already posted on this thread except complete exile until they agree with me. I might have to try that now. There’s a difference between standing up for someone and having it not work vs not standing up at all. My boyfriend knows that they haven’t come around despite my arguments (not fights- my logical arguments that mirror what was already posted by a few other people), and the issue is that they refuse to see any other way. It doesn’t matter if they’re civil with him, which they will be, if there’s an underlying opinion that I can’t change. They know I’m not giving up on our relationship by this point but haven’t tried to understand why. My parents are not evil or malicious people and always want whats best for me, they just don’t try out other people’s perspectives. They’re also really good at ignoring the situation so that in person, we are fine with each other, and its almost like they never caused a fight at all (on their end– ive made clear that just because we play nice in front of my sister doesn’t mean that what they’ve said has been automatically forgiven). So beyond the standing up issue, its an issue of stubborn opinions on their part that no amount of my standing up will change. Need a different tactic
MemberI just want to give you a huuuuuuge hug and a referral to my therapist.
Seriously though. You know in your head to set firm boundaries with your parents, but your heart has absorbed years of taking care of them, worrying about their relationship, putting their well-being over yours, internalizing guilt for their unhappiness, etc…All I can say is, you have a long road ahead of you in working through these things, but your SO seems like a great man to have by your side, and you seem to have a good head on your shoulder. Invest in an amazing therapist. Your 30-year old self will view this as the best thing you could have possibly done, even better than going to med school, even better than marrying your SO.
I would give you more specific advice, but I know the deep-rooted issues of growing up in a dysfunctional family too well to condescend to you in that way. You do need to stick with the boundaries that you set for your parents. But beyond that, you need to get to a place, emotionally, where you don’t feel like it’s your responsibility to take care of them or their relationship.
Sending you lots of love and hugs.
MemberOh goodness OP, Indian and Italian parents , and first generation immigrant… my hat would be off to you for being even half as independant as you are ! Well done you , you are clearly strong .
She suggested that after a year of long distnace, we live and date in the same city but have our own space, but not live together.
Your mum probably sees this – which most of us would consider appropriate advice for a teenager rebelling – as the height of liberality. I think all you can do is more of what you are already doing , stand fast, make sure SO knows you are on his side as it were. I predict they will come completely round when your first child is born , and probably not before..
MemberYour SO sounds lovely and he also has the patience of a saint.
Tell your parents you are a grown ass woman and will make your own choices. Multiple people in your life have told you they are toxic and to stand up to them – stop seeking advice and do it (I mean that it the nicest way possible)
MemberI’ve only skimmed other posts but it looks like you’re getting some great advice and are on the right track yourself.
I would only add that there is no harm in Fiance approaching your parents to smooth things over. I come from a family that places a lot of emphasis on respect for elders and I think it would go a long way. He doesn’t have to apologise as such, but perhaps he can reah out and say something along the lines of “I’m sorry we have gotten off on the wrong foot. With your permission I would hope we can put all of that behind us for your daughters sake since we both care for her” or something similar. They may not accept his offer but I feel it would be good for him to take the high road and to try to “bookend” the troubles. I’m not insane, I realise it likely won’t change anything, but I think it would demonstrate that he’s not going to be drawn into their drama etc
Hang in there x
MemberYour parents are way out of line and frankly, batshit crazy.
Memberlookingforadvice77: thanks 🙂 I talked with my mom the other day and she said she just wants me to be with someone who celebrates me. She comes from a good place, but as long as I’m happy, that’s all that counts if we want to argue about dating someone who makes me feel celebrated (theyre essentially the same thing). I’m annoyed because my therapist said to keep both sides separate for a while until things calm down, but my mom came back at me and said “if SO cared about fixing this, he would have done so much sooner.” Ugh!!! Of course I want to be celebrated by whomever dates or marries me, but I already feel so happy with SO that I think that is what she meant.
MemberOne of those options need to be stand up to your parents and don’t let them walk all over your SO. If some people you know were trashing a friend of yours would you say something (I hope so! That is what friends are for!). Why would you treat your fiends better than your SO? This isn’t your SO’S problem, it is *yours* and you need to fix it with your parents (because they are yours). You would want him to do the same if you were married and your Mother-In-Law went MIL-ZILLA on you.
MemberI am sorry you are going through this, it’s a nightmare situation. If I were in your position I would point out to your parents who you described as divorced but sticking together for the sake of the kids as people who you will not take relationship advice from. The only way to tackle people who will not discuss issues or give a fair hearing to different view points is to shine a big light on their own contradictions firmly and consistently in a non snarky or threatening way, just calmly and focused. In most situations there is usually fault on both sides in this case I see no fault on your SO he is right in not setting the precedent of grovelling to them. As a pp said if roles were reversed you would expect him to handle his parents. Best of luck.
MemberYour first and worst mistake was not living with your boyfriend (when it was a good arrangement) to placate your psycho parents. It’s on you to change the precedent. I certainly wouldn’t expect your boyfriend to run to your parents kowtowing for their bad behavior. You’re lucky he’s patient with you on this. I’d have ditched my partner for someone with much longer apron strings.
redux.
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