Post # 1
Member
11 posts
Newbee
Hi there! This is my first post – I’ve been perusing other’s stories and see some great insight and advice on here so I figured I’d give it a shot for myself.
I met the man I knew I wanted to spend my life with last year, and we went from 0-100 almost immediately. He is older to have been never married (mid 30s) and was in a long (nearly ten year) relationship that ended about two years prior to us meeting. I have been engaged one time in my early twenties for a short period and knew the guy wasn’t right for me (although he is a wonderful friend). Meaning, we both have been around the block and know what we want in someone long term.
Long story short, after initial months of long distance, I uprooted and moved 500 miles from home and everyone else important in my life to continue our relationship. No joke on our first date I told him I’d never move in with someone again unless it was the real thing and I was going to marry the person (should’ve scared him off?) I was more than happy to move to pursue our life together.
In any case, in the months since I moved in I have stuck by him through devastating sudden loss in his family (a parent), his own series of illnesses (serious at that), and my own trouble acclimating to my new hometown.
All of these things I thought might bring us closer together, especially with unwavering support from me. We didn’t have much of a honeymoon period before all of the bad stuff started to happen. I stuck by him through it all and have made myself #2 consistently to try to be a good, stable partner.
He knows how important marriage is to me, and I’ve realized through all of our trials, his inability to commit with a proposal is leading me to be unhappy, sad and downright resentful. When I had first moved in, he made it seem as though a real commitment was on the way. Now all I get from him is reasons why he can’t think about that stuff at the moment. I can’t handle this feeling indefinitely. I do think a proposal / “real” commitment would help me feel like I have a permanent place in his life and would help with the constant supporting role I’ve had to play while he tries to adapt to the challenges we’ve had in the past year.
I I told him I don’t want to stay if he won’t propose, because I am sad about it all the time. He doesn’t think a commitment will make things any better. I am not terribly young anymore (early 30s) and would like to settle down and have children soon. I do feel he’s “the one” and I’m prepared to wait a bit to have an actual wedding/start a family, but only if he takes the first step and makes a commitment.
Post # 2
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
You have left out the important part here – how long have you been together?
You mention you moved after a few months, and what it has been like in the months since you moved, does that mean you’ve been together less than a year?
Post # 3
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
Does he want to get married at all? IF so, have you discussed a timeline? Is marriage a necessity for you (if he doesn’t ever want to get married but he’s on board with being committed and having kids…would that be OK)?
To me it sounds like he probably doesn’t want to get married, judging mostly on what you’ve outlined here and the fact that he was in a relationship with someone for 10 years but never proposed, but only he can tell you if it’s something he wants in the future or not.
Post # 4
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
You’ve said that you met last year, which isn’t a huge amount of time together, though I do understand that things sometimes move faster when you’re a little older. But the thing that got me is that you think he’s giving excuses of not being able to think about it right now, yet you’ve stated he’s lost a parent and faced a serious series of illnesses all since last year. That’s huge to bear in a short time, andI really think it’s a valid reason to hold off. He needs to recover both emotionally and physically from said events. It doesn’t mean he won’t ever propose. I think that you should give him time.
Post # 5
Member
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
You moved way too fast, dove head first and wanted a rush proposal for validation// so that it wasn’t time wasted/foolishness on your part. You can’t make someone marry you, guilt tripping a man into proposing because you stuck by him doesn’t work.
He seems to have a shit year and is in no condition to be getting married, let alone proposing to anyone. Both of you are now realizing that you want different things at different points in your lives.
Don’t rush so much next time. Make sure you get to know the person really well and don’t put yourself in a position where you’re “second” like you are now. GL.
Post # 6
Member
10491 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
You’ve only been together a year. You have rushed through this entire relationship and are now trying to rush through to marriage, slow your roll.
He’s had a shitty year (which is a reasonable excuse, imo, to not be thinking about marriage), you’ve only lived together a few months and now you’re pushing for him to marry you. He was with his last partner for 10 years and never proposed, what makes you think he would propose after only a year with you?
Post # 7
Member
11 posts
Newbee
whnlz : I moved in after four months. I’ve been living with him for seven months. We are coming up on our one year anniversary shortly. When I first moved in, we had about one month of our “normal” relationship and things were wonderful.
ela0919 : When we first got together we talked a lot about long term goals and he says he does want to get married and have kids. I’ve even put the offer out there to pursue a family together without a formal wedding if there is some reason why he doesn’t want that. He says marriage is important and he doesn’t want kids or a family until he is married. I am skeptical about being “strung along” given the ten years/no proposal before me
blackparadebride : I agree and I don’t mean to downplay all he’s been through. I am fortunate in that I can’t imagine how that feels. To me it just seems like being with someone through the hard things should make it more apparent whether they’re the one for you.
Post # 8
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
Oh. Just realized that you haven’t been together very long. I think you’re getting way ahead of yourself. You said here that there’s been a lot of drama in the short time you’ve been together – moving across the country, him losing a parent, him being ill, etc. It sounds like you need more time to enjoy your relationship together without the craziness. If he said a few months ago that he does want those things there’s no reason not to take him at his word. If it’s something you feel this strongly about, though, maybe you should just ask him when he sees himself wanting those things.
Post # 9
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
hopefulbeetobe : I get that. But maybe try see it from the opposite side of things – if your parent had died, would your mind be on marriage? It’d probably be the furthest from mine. I have chronic illnesses and today was a particularly terrible day, but when my partner was comforting me, although I was incredibly grateful, my mind was very far from marriage. I think he just needs time. Keep supporting him, and when he gets back on track, maybe have a chat to him about time lines and where you’re at.
Post # 10
Member
11 posts
Newbee
slomotion : The reason why I thought he would propose after a year together is because he’s told me he’d be comfortable comitting after a year if he knew I was it. He’s known how important a formal commitment was to me since we agreed ive move here. I thought I should elaborate since we both moved quickly, not just me (we did level set our expectations before i moved forward with moving in).
Post # 11
Member
2094 posts
Buzzing bee
It seems to me that things are moving too fast, and he may see it the same way. I think you might have jumped the gun by uprooting yourself and moving 500 miles after only a few months. Now you feel that you have sacrificed for him and put yourself second and he is not holding up his end of the bargain by offering you the commitment you want. I understand that feeling, but it might be enpowering to realize that you chose to put yourself in this position and you can now choose otherwise. Stop putting yourself second. Think about what you want out of life and start pursuing it. You can be supportive of a partner without sacrificing everything. What do you need to feel fulfilled in terms of job, location, friends, creativity, etc.? I think you need some balance in your life and to focus on yourself for a while. Get to know your BF for now without the pressure and resentment of wanting him to propose right away. You’ve only known him for less than a year and under extreme and stressful circumstances. Really see if this is the man you want to spend your life with. It might help to move out and find a place of your own to have the time and space to think about these things. If in a year, it turns out that your mutual commitment, love, and respect for each other is still strong, you can think about marriage again. Good luck, Bee.
PS. I met my BF when were were 38 and 39. He had never been married and was a year out of an 11-year relationship. I made sure to find out why and to emphasize that marriage was important to me and that I would not be 11 years deep with him without a permanent commitment. He had no problem with that. The fact that he has not been married before does not necessarily have to be a problem, although it can indicate his feelings on marriage in general. But that’s another issue altogether.
Post # 12
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
He has been through one hell of a year and you’re sitting here worrying about engagement? I get it, you want to take the next steps with him, however it’s pretty obvious he’s emotionally not ready for engagement/marriage as you are. Think of the change he has gone through since you started dating him. Think of the challenges he has faced. Your post reeks of martyrdom, saying that you put yourself second through this whole relationship. Which…ok, are you looking for a gold star? That’s what relationships are about, especially long term relationships. I’ve had to financially support my husband for 8 months when he was unemployed. He has had to emotionally support me with my health challenges. It’s all about give and take. Sacrifice is part of a long term relationship. Sometimes you have to put yourself second for an extended period of time.
Post # 13
Member
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
hopefulbeetobe : it’s not normal that you wanted to marry a man after only knowing him for 4 months and that being long-distance.
Are you sure that you’re not just desperate for marriage because “you’re in your 30s”? And because of this you’re rushing things so much without being rational?
Post # 14
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
I also feel like you have rushed this relationship a ton. Moving in after 4 months, even in a strong, supported relationship, can be way too fast.
Post # 15
Member
7808 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
hopefulbeetobe : You haven’t even been together for a year and he’s recently lost a parent–it seems too soon to think you are being strung along and unfair to be pushing him while he’s dealing with this loss.
Make a point of doing some things that are just for you and if you love this man stop rushing everything and give the relationship a chance. If you really just want to be married as soon as possible move on and find someone who is in the same place.