(Closed) Help! Patience versus sacrificing ones own happiness

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Move on or stick with it?
    Move on : (25 votes)
    56 %
    Stick it out : (20 votes)
    44 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    2091 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    OP, I can see things from both sides. When Darling Husband and I met, we moved in after a few months. We were desperate to see each other every day and it felt right. No one was sacrificing anything either. But, we had some really rough times in the beginning. It did bring us closer and showed us that we could truly rely on one another. He proposed at around a year and nine months. I did not think it would be that soon, and we both wanted a longer engagement (got married on our 4th anniversary).

    I did not rush him to propose and I was never waiting on a proposal despite ring shopping/discussing marriage… He was clearly ready. I do think you are rushing this because deep down you feel like you have given so much to this relationship and you don’t want to have wasted your time. He does not sound ready at all, and you can’t force him to be. If you can’t wait another year or two, I would suggest you move on.

    Post # 32
    Member
    32 posts
    Newbee

    My bf didn’t see a rush either and I have been annoying/nagging about wanting to be married. We bought a house together after 7 months. Now we’ve been dating 14 months and he told me his timeline was within 3 years of dating. To me that was long.

    But he finally showed me his text between his best friend that he’s been looking at rings and was thinking we’ll be married within a year so be patient. Maybe he will surprise you. My bf was trying to keep it a secret. I feel bad now that I argued so much and wish I hadn’t. It might make me feel guilty a bit when he finally does purpose versus if I just waited patiently and let him do it.

    But I know where you’re coming from, you want to know that he will actually do it someday and not too long from now.

    Post # 33
    Member
    864 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    View original reply
    hopefulbeetobe :  I think the problem is that you moved 500 miles to be with him with no commitment.  Now you feel like you’re stuck there with him, and you don’t know where things are headed.  If you were living on your own, you would have some leverage (sorry, just calling it like I see it), but now you have none.  

    I would at the very least move out, and possibly move back to wherever you came from.

    Post # 36
    Member
    48 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    It hasn’t been that long but I don’t think ppl. need forever to know what they want.  I was strung along in a relationship and it just sucked.  After that relationship ended I met my husband.  I told him I didn’t want to be living together etc.  If he didn’t see a permanant commitement for the future.  Some guys honor this and other don’t.  He poped the question at a year and a half and we were married at the 2 year mark.  I never had to bring it up more than that one time before he moved in.  I think it happens naturally when both ppl. are on the same page.  Not everyone needs years and years… I would move back home and let him no you will see how it works out from there.  If he was in a 10  year he’s probably no stranger to stringing someone along…

     

    Post # 37
    Member
    931 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Honest opinion… he has gone through hell and back recently so maybe put him first and not getting a ring. Sorry that’s how it sounds. Ya maybe you had talks before.. but then a family emergency happened this is life things get in the way. He has alot on his mind why is that so hard to see.

    If this was me and my SO was nagging about marriage when a parent passed away I would honestly not want to be with that person. It is very selfish and self absorbed. I am not saying you are that person I am saying that’s how it comes off.

     

    Post # 38
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee
    • Wedding: March 2015

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    hopefulbeetobe :  I think I understand where you are coming from. You left your former life and everyone you care about to move in with this man. He is facing some difficulties and you are right there by his side but its not garantee that he will even commit to you. Correct me if im wrong. You feel like if he ends up not comminting to you, you’ve waisted your time and all your efforts, left your family and friends for nothing.  

    I personally think it was a wrong move to move in with him without him commiting to you first with some kind of engagement. I understand he is going through a lot but at the same time if you are unhappy about the situation and its troubling you that much talk to him about it. 2nd option is to give him a little more time 6months to a year. If  nothing happens by then and you are still unhappy maybe it would be best to move on.  Xoxo. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    317 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    TBH I don’t think you’ve been together long enough to really know. I also think him recovering from the loss of a parent may have thrown him off. Like other bees have said, you should still sit him down and let him know your intentios, particularly if you want a family with this man. For many of us marriage is a pre-req to having children, and the further into our 30s we get, the harder it becomes. I get your concern, but you may need to give him time–not too much though, maybe a year.

    Post # 40
    Hostess
    9171 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: Dorset, UK

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    hopefulbeetobe :  I feel like if you loved the MAN you wouldn’t mind patiently waiting after the tough time he has had. It sounds like you love the idea of the MARRIAGE but if he is not ready, he is not ready. Me and my SO are in our 30’s not been together long and we have spoken about getting engaged this year, BUT if he had suffered loss and illness I would find it more than reasonable for that discussion to go on the back burner for a bit.

    Post # 41
    Member
    2440 posts
    Buzzing bee

    My mother and father met in August, married in October. 

    They were adults, and ALSO GROWNUPS.

    Lasted ’till his death, almost 40 years.

    Life NOW should be simpler, not more complicated. Woman are emancipated, don’t have to get pg unless they want to, make (almost) as much as men, can choose when and whether to establish a sexual relationship……..

    ALL THAT IN MIND……..where the heck does the disconnect come from??

    Why is it that “waiting” has been elevated to an endless season? Why does a woman choose to enter into it? 

    OLD though I am, I would NEVER enter into a serious, loving, planning commitment with a man and think I’d be in LIMBO there for YEARS while HE decided if he was ready or not. Why should either party have power to require the other to be waiting indefinitely? Are our expectations absurdly high? After the “waiting” is over, are those expectations met? I know how I’d answer those questions. Do you OP?

    Post # 42
    Member
    943 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    Look at what he has been through during the not even year that you’ve been together. You should be focused on spending time together and enjoying each other during the not-so-crazy times. 

    Post # 43
    Member
    482 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    I think you moved in with him too fast and need to slow down. I was with my husband for two years when he got a job on the other side of the country and told him I would not be going without a proposal. It sounds like you’re rushing because of your age. Your boyfriend had a bad year and marriage just isn’t on his mind right now, he needs time to recover. What you need to do is figure out how long you are willing to wait. I think you need to tell him you understand he needs time, but you would like to know how much time he might need. It’s only been 11 months, not even a year. I think if you two could agree on a timeline of a proposal by the two year mark that’d be best. Or you could decide you don’t want to wait, and leave. But I think demanding one right now isn’t fair to him. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    2462 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    View original reply
    ann.reid.9277 :  I like your thoughts. When I read posts where ladies have put themselves in a position where they feel stuck in limbo… I just wonder how healthy that relationship could be? 

    Maybe because I’ve never been in that position, but I just wouldn’t do it. If I had been exclusively dating someone for more than a year, he’d better start thinking marriage or I’d have been gone. 

     

    Now, for this particular situation, I think that the OP needs to give him a little time.  6 months, maybe.  Then revisit the conversation. If he’s not ready for an engagement by then, I’d bail.

    Post # 45
    Member
    2118 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I was 32 when I met my husband.  Everything was great right away we had an easy first year and I wanted him to propose at our one year anniversary but I also didn’t think he was quite there yet.  I think you’re kind of jumping the gun freaking out that a proposal might take more than one year. 

    I would also be wary of someone who was in a decade long relationship and didn’t propose though.  My ex strung me along for a decade.  I would have pitied the poor girl he dated after me if he didn’t cheat on me with her and lord knows what kind of lies he told her about me that made it seem ok to her. 

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