Post # 1
Hi bees! My wedding is not until July 2019 so I have lots of time to plan the wedding but one of the things I’m already thinking about and honestly somewhat stressing out about is deciding who to have in my bridal party. I am fortunate to have many close girl friends which I feel is a blessing but it makes it hard when it comes to picking bridesmaids. I’m an only child and don’t have any close cousins. My fiancé has a sister and female cousin who he is very close to and who I have become close to so I am asking both of them to bridesmaids. My Maid/Matron of Honor is my best friend, Katie, who I have grown up with since elementary school and even though she lives about 2 hours away in another state, I know she will be a great Maid/Matron of Honor. I have another close friend who I am also definitely asking to be my bridesmaid. Beyond this, I have questions surrounding the remaining potential bridesmaids. I would like to have 6 or 7 bridesmaids to honor as many of my close girl friends as possible but I think more than that might be too much and turn into a circus so I’d like to try to keep it at 7 max. My following questions are:
1) I have a good friend named Megan who I have grown up with since I was little. Katie, Megan and I were all best friends growing up during our school years although I feel that I’ve always been a little closer to both of them than they were to each other. Katie and Megan went to different colleges but in the same city while I went to college in another state. They had a falling out during college and stopped speaking after that. I have remained close to both of them, although feel closer to Katie as Megan has a high stress job with excessive hours which makes it hard for her to come home and I feel like we are not nearly as close now as we were growing up. I want to honor our friendship as we have been friends for over 20 years but am not sure that with her job with crazy hours and not being able to come home often and her and Katie no longer being friends that it would be the best decision. Katie and Megan are both mature and I know if I asked Megan to be a bridesmaid they would be civil but I’m just not sure what the best thing to do is.
2) I have a group of 10 college girlfriends and we all did everything together during college and remain close now. I’m 24 so 3 years out from college. I didn’t have any best friend in the group but during college I was closest to Anna and we’re still close now although we don’t ever hang out alone anymore, just in big groups when we all get together for reunions.. Now that I have graduated I have become closer to two of my other friends from the group of 10 of us, Lara and Sam. They both have serious boyfriends so the four of them and my fiancé and I have taken lots of camping and hiking trips together. My fiancé loves Lara and Sam as well as their boyfriends since he’s gotten to know them all really well and would like them to be bridesmaids out of anyone in my college group. I feel much closer to them now as well and they had a huge part in helping to plan the proposal. I’m not sure if I should have anyone from college in my bridal party since I think that would make it less likely for anyone’s feelings to be hurt. I don’t feel as close to Anna anymore but I think her feelings would be very hurt if I asked Lara and Sam and not her to be bridesmaids. However, my mom and fiancé have both said college was such a huge part of my life and it’d be nice to include at least one or two of the girls to honor all of them. I just don’t want anyone’s feelings to be hurt if I choose some and not others but I would love for some of my college girls to be by my side on my wedding day.
3) I have a friend, Vanessa, from work who I have become extremely close to in the last year. We hang out frequently and have connected in so many levels. I’m considering asking her to be my bridesmaid, I just feel that considering I have so many friendships with other girls which are 5 years or more, I don’t know if I should ask her since we haven’t even been friends for a year. However, she is like a best friend for me, I just don’t know if it’s a friendship that will last for years and years and I want girls by my side who I will still be close to years from now. Also from a logistical point of view, she’s the only friend I have in my state and potential bridesmaid (other than fiancé cousin and sister) so I know she’d be able to help with wedding planning more than out of state friends.
Ivwould love to hear your advice on all of these topics above. I know it’s a lot to read and follow and it made sense in my head as I wrote it but I can clarify anything haha. Also if you have any other ideas on how to honor my friends other than being a bridesmaid I would love to hear it! (We will probably have family members doing the readings) thank you so much in advance for you help ladies!!
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Don’t pick your bridal party yet. Wait until 7 or 8 months out because you have no idea what is going to happen to friendships between now and then.
Post # 3
What KiwiDerbyBride :
said . Way too early to be asking people to be bridesmaids, particularly as you aren’t sure of who you actually want, or why you want them . Give it another year .
Post # 4
Agree that you should wait. If you had to choose now, I’d probably choose just 3 or 4: your Maid/Matron of Honor (Katie), your FI’s sister & cousin, and maybe your best friend at work (Vanessa).
Adding any of the others sound like it will add stress and hurt feelings:
#1) Do not choose Megan, since she had a falling out with your potential Maid/Matron of Honor, and you don’t want to hurt your Maid/Matron of Honor by making her interact with Megan (awkward!)
#2) I would not choose just a couple of your group of 10 college friends, if you are at all concerned that feelings will be hurt (which I think is likely)
Post # 5
I also agree with PPs to wait until at least a year out. Relationships can change.
I don’t agree with PP on not asking Meghan because she doesn’t get along with Katie. Yes, there could be drama if they are not very mature but their fight has nothing to do with you and they should be able to suck it up for the love they have for you. Believe me, I totally understand this situation! One of my Bridesmaid or Best Man had a falling out with not one but TWO of my BMs that had nothing to do with me. For my sake, they coexist and are nice to each other when in the same room.
Post # 6
I agree with PP to wait until at least next summer to ask. I had the same struggle – lots of close girlfriends, afraid to hurt people, etc. I ended up going with my gut. There were 6 girls I knew I wanted to ask and was debating about the others, so I just stuck with the 6 definites. I did have to of the girls I was thinking about asking talk to me about it and admit they were hurt, but they were understanding and I do not think it impacted our friendship (I’m in one of their weddings now).
I also wouldn’t try to make the decision for them. One of my BMs has a very demanding job in politics and our wedding was right before the election. If I had assumed that she couldn’t do it and not asked her, I would’ve missed out on having one of my best friends standing up with me. She was very very busy but she said yes and was able to stand by my side 🙂
Post # 7
I think waiting is a good solution for those you are not sure about. If you want to ask the definites (the ones you mentioned at the beginning of the post) go right ahead! But for the others – just wait a bit, and ask the Maid/Matron of Honor and others to not post about it on social media or anything until you’ve decided on others if you are worried about what others will think or feel being asked later than others. Things can become very clear as time passes, and since your wedding isn’t until 2019, you definitely have some time, which is a blessing in this case 🙂
Also, do not let the amount of time you have known someone be the only defining factor that helps you decide who does and does not get asked to be a bridesmaid. In my case, I opted to not ask a friend who WAS very close to me at an earlier period of my life, but we are no longer close, but did ask friends who have come into my life more recently that I feel a strong connection to, and know they will be forever friends. If you truly consider Vanessa a best friend, then that’s what matters! And if you opt to wait, then it’ll just be longer that you’ve known her, and then maybe you’ll feel more comfortable with the idea 🙂
Additionally, I think if you feel as though you are good friends with Megan as well, then asking her shouldn’t be an issue. You’ve already stated that you know your Maid/Matron of Honor and her will be mature about the situation, and if they love you and focus on that, then it honestly will be fine. Don’t rule her out because she lives further away or has a busy job – if she feels she cannot commit or fulfill Bridesmaid’s duties, she will let you know when you ask her. If it makes you feel better, one of my bridesmaids is from Hawaii and will only be coming to the mainland for the wedding day itself – but she’s important enough to me that having her there for the big day is enough! All my other bridesmaids except one are all out of towners (5+ hours away) as well, so it is totally doable, if you both parties are willing to be understanding and make the best of it 🙂
Post # 8
Thank you ladies for your replies! I should’ve added although I’m already thinking a lot about it, I’m not planning on asking anyone until next spring at the earliest. Because it’s such a long engagement, my fiancé and I are taking a break on wedding planning for the most part until next spring or summer so I won’t ask until then. Your comments have helped though and although I’m still not positive I’m leaning towards asking Megan and Vanessa and not asking any of my college friends. Anyone have tips on how I can still include my college friends (or whoever I don’t end up choosing) so that they still have a special role?
Post # 9
I wouldn’t stress too hard about it. For me it was kind of gut instinct. Also I have found with other weddings I have attended or been a part of that the more intimate the bridal party, the better. When there are too many personalities it can become raucous. I’d say 4-6 is a good number and literally go with your gut instinct for those that have had your back for a while and who you can depend on. If you have a super fun awesome friend who is shady and flaky at times, maybe skip her. These girls will be in charge of your showers and bachelorette parties, and you need dependable people on the day of your wedding. If something goes to shit that day, you need to know they can pick up the pieces for you in some way or another.
Post # 10
It’s too early for you to pick your bridal party! #1 friendships change #2 your friends will have no idea what they are doing/ where they’ll be in July 2019
The good thing about it being too early is you have plenty of time to figure out who’s truly there for you. I got engaged in 2014 and we didn’t set our date until 2017. When we were closer to a year from our date which is in July 2018 that’s when we picked our bridal party. In between getting engaged and when I picked my bridesmaids my friendships changed a lot and it made me KNOW who I should pick. Some friends I thought I would pick started canceling plans on me all the time (being flaky) and never reaching out to me. Some people that were new friends in 2014 became BEST friends. Then I maintained some friendships I’ve had for years. So then when it was time I knew!
Related this to you… by next spring or summer (when you should ask them) you and Vanessa could be even closer and you might want her as an Maid/Matron of Honor or you might stop talking completely. Out of the group of 10 friends all of them might completely stop talking to you except for one that you were the least close with and now you are the most. Megan might have a different job. Megan and Katie might make up. You might completely drift from one or both of them or become even closer with them.
Post # 11
Wait until a ten months before your wedding to ask anyone–circumstances can change so much between now and then.
Other roles include readers, ushers (can be women), presentation of eucharist in some religions, program attendants (though I usually imagine tweens in this role, etc.
Post # 12
I agree with waiting. Although your email waslong it sounds like you had about six girls including Megan. You might be wise to skip the Maid/Matron of Honor unless you had 1 sister – too much politics. I would not let the Katie – Megan feud effect YOUR wedding party. Can you imagine you were at the olympics And you are so close to gold but the logic of a judge say in figure skating thinking it would be too much agony to be so close to gold the judge dumps them off the podium into fourth so they don’t have to deal with the stress of almost winning. Don’t worry about insulting someone – you will no matter how hard you try not too. You can try but you will surely cause some kind of pain and sufferinig. Its the nature of the beast – weddings lol.
Post # 13
I echo the previous posters, wait until a year to 9 months out. Relationships change, life in general will present changes.