HELP PLEASE MOH desperately needing advice

posted 2 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 2
Member
1358 posts
Bumble bee

Well, obviously don’t tell her that it makes you want to throw up. Be honest about the financial burden, and bow out of the position. I think it’s pretty lame when people just expect others to shell out that kind of money. 

Long story short: Bow out of the position and attend as a guest if possible. 

Post # 3
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Figure out from your budget how much you can afford and tell her that’s all you have. It is an awful lot for her to expect you to be able to afford a destination wedding while you are young and still a student. That would be a lot for many people to pay. 

Post # 4
Member
3383 posts
Sugar bee

OP, did you know the wedding would be out of the country when you accepted? Has the bride bought the plane ticket yet?

On a side note, I am a firm believer that everybody should have a current passport.

DeniseSecunda :  the cost would be practically the same.

Post # 5
Member
1358 posts
Bumble bee

zl27 :  She said that the bride expects her to pay for some of the bridal shower and bachelorette. And she won’t have to buy a particular dress if she’s only a guest. Sounds like it won’t be “practically” the same. 

Post # 7
Member
47203 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Use your words. “I cant afford to be the Maid/Matron of Honor in your wedding. I am maxed out at even attending, and definitely cannot afford to host a shower or bachelorette. If you want to choose someone else, I will understand and will attend as a guest.”

She may choose to keep you as her Maid/Matron of Honor and lessen her expectations.

The problem is you already let her pay for your airfare and hotel. Are those transferable to someone else? If you really want to go, you would survive sharing a room.

If the wedding isn’t until next year sometime, is there any way you can earn some extra money before then? Babysitting for nurses working night shift is compatible with being a student. You get paid to study and sleep over at someone else’s home.

Post # 8
Member
658 posts
Busy bee

I totally get it. I paid over $2,000 to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding and it was really hard. As soon as I got to my hotel room I had a private meltdown and sobbed. I was stressed and trying not to cry the entire weekend. I thought I had saved up enough but actually hadn’t and used the last of MY OWN wedding “fund” for the final costs of attending her wedding. It was so hard. 

 

I dont regret bejng in her wedding at all. It brought us so much closer and I had so much fun. It meant a lot to me to be included. But that being said, it was a huge financial burden for me and i feel like if you gracefully bowed out, anyone should understand. I probably should have done that, but it meant too much to me be a part of it all. Again, I don’t regret it, but I also understand when people say they just can’t spend that much. It’s A LOT.

Post # 9
Member
658 posts
Busy bee

Basically, the way I see it is that you kind of both win AND lose either way… 

 

option 1) you’re the Maid/Matron of Honor and you have the best time EVER and see your best friend walk down the aisle and you’re like, THIS IS AMAZING😭. But you spend all your money and are super stressed, you sacrifice other things for this wedding or even go into debt. 

option 2) you don’t go and don’t experience all those wonderful things. You feel guilty. You miss out. BUT then you don’t spend the money, you are not financially burdened, you are not stressed, you  are financially responsible and steady. 

Post # 10
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Tell her you’re sorry but the showers and bachelorette are more than you can afford when you already have to spend so much on flights, hotel, etc.

If she can’t understand and be sympathetic to that, it’s not a friendship I’d want to be in.

Post # 11
Member
3383 posts
Sugar bee

If she has already bought the ticket, then I don’t think you can back out at this point. It would destroy your friendship. I think you need to tell her that you can’t afford to contribute financially to her shower (though you can help set up, make a dish, etc.) or bachelorette (besides say paying for your fair share of her dinner and a few drinks). That being said, she should have a clue already since you are paying her back for airfare and hotel.

Post # 12
Member
6834 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

You have to be honest with her. You say she’s your best friend so I’d like to think you two can have a conversation about this and she’d be understanding. 

Tell her you simply can’t afford all the extra stuff (and yes, a shower and bachelorette is extra stuff) and all the money you do have is going into paying her back for the flight. 

Post # 13
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee

I totally get this and was in your shoes a few years ago. Right after grad school I had to shell out almost $2,000 to be a friend’s Maid/Matron of Honor. It is stressful and all I could think about was how that money should be paying off my student loans. I wish I had the courage to say something and bow out of some of the events of express my financial concerns. Most of my friends started working out of undergrad and we’re making a decent living when I was still a poor grad student. I know they would have understood but I was too ashamed to speak up.

Don’t make my same mistake, say something like “I love you and want to be there for you but I don’t have room in my budget to pay for your showers. I will pay you back for the airfare and hotel and will support you at your shower but don’t have the disposable income to do this the way you’re envisioning it.” 

Post # 14
Member
8450 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

 

anxiousmoh :  

What bewitched :  just said. The phrase she suggests is really spot on.

It really is not acceptable that the  bride , your close friend ,  should be so oblivious  to what she is asking of you, but weddings  make people oblivious to others situations  sometimes!   

Post # 15
Member
395 posts
Helper bee

any updates?

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