Post # 1
My best friend is getting married out of the country next year. I’m so excited for her, and I can’t wait to see them say their vows. But the money. I am the MoH, and there are no bridesmaids. The flight and hotel alone are going to cost me over $1,000. I also have to get my passport and consider other travel fees. I am 22 years old. I work full time, but I’m still a student. The cost of the flight and hotel alone honestly make me nauseous. I simply do not have the money. The bride has already paid and going to let me pay her as I can, but this is still an extreme setback. I have student loans, rent, and I need a new vehicle. Now, she is expecting me to pay for at least some of the bridal shower and bachelorette party. The wedding doesn’t feel like a vacation for me. It will be only three days and mostly full of wedding stuff. She means the world to me, but to pay close to 1500 to see her get married (and technically she’ll already be married since they have to do it in the country first) this is really hard for me. She doesn’t even really want me at the in-state marriage because she doesn’t want to then have to invite others. How do I tell her that the wedding alone makes me want to throw up, and I don’t want to pay for anything else? I feel like a terrible person, but I really don’t see how I can do this. HELP
Post # 2
Well, obviously don’t tell her that it makes you want to throw up. Be honest about the financial burden, and bow out of the position. I think it’s pretty lame when people just expect others to shell out that kind of money.
Long story short: Bow out of the position and attend as a guest if possible.
Post # 3
Figure out from your budget how much you can afford and tell her that’s all you have. It is an awful lot for her to expect you to be able to afford a destination wedding while you are young and still a student. That would be a lot for many people to pay.
Post # 4
OP, did you know the wedding would be out of the country when you accepted? Has the bride bought the plane ticket yet?
On a side note, I am a firm believer that everybody should have a current passport.
DeniseSecunda : the cost would be practically the same.
Post # 5
zl27 : She said that the bride expects her to pay for some of the bridal shower and bachelorette. And she won’t have to buy a particular dress if she’s only a guest. Sounds like it won’t be “practically” the same.
Post # 6
The cost would essentially be the same if I somehow get out of paying for the parties. She’s ~usually~ on board with me wearing a dress I already have. I do believe I knew it was out of the country when I accepted, but it was also one of those things where we just knew I would be the MoH. I would die for the girl, and she keeps a small group, so I’m really her only close girl friend. I absolutely want to stand beside her, but the money is really stressing me out and making me sad. As much as I would like to get out of some of that cost, the fair question is how do I tell her that I don’t think it’s fair that I have to pay for parties back home when I’m already shelling out so much money? Brand new news: I just found out that I won’t even have my own bed at the hotel. It’s share a bed with her mom or sleep on the couch which she *thinks* folds out into a bed. Also, I didn’t grow up with much money, so having a passport was never really an option, let alone a necessity.
Post # 7
Use your words. “I cant afford to be the Maid/Matron of Honor in your wedding. I am maxed out at even attending, and definitely cannot afford to host a shower or bachelorette. If you want to choose someone else, I will understand and will attend as a guest.”
She may choose to keep you as her Maid/Matron of Honor and lessen her expectations.
The problem is you already let her pay for your airfare and hotel. Are those transferable to someone else? If you really want to go, you would survive sharing a room.
If the wedding isn’t until next year sometime, is there any way you can earn some extra money before then? Babysitting for nurses working night shift is compatible with being a student. You get paid to study and sleep over at someone else’s home.
Post # 8
I totally get it. I paid over $2,000 to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding and it was really hard. As soon as I got to my hotel room I had a private meltdown and sobbed. I was stressed and trying not to cry the entire weekend. I thought I had saved up enough but actually hadn’t and used the last of MY OWN wedding “fund” for the final costs of attending her wedding. It was so hard.
I dont regret bejng in her wedding at all. It brought us so much closer and I had so much fun. It meant a lot to me to be included. But that being said, it was a huge financial burden for me and i feel like if you gracefully bowed out, anyone should understand. I probably should have done that, but it meant too much to me be a part of it all. Again, I don’t regret it, but I also understand when people say they just can’t spend that much. It’s A LOT.
Post # 9
Basically, the way I see it is that you kind of both win AND lose either way…
option 1) you’re the Maid/Matron of Honor and you have the best time EVER and see your best friend walk down the aisle and you’re like, THIS IS AMAZING😭. But you spend all your money and are super stressed, you sacrifice other things for this wedding or even go into debt.
option 2) you don’t go and don’t experience all those wonderful things. You feel guilty. You miss out. BUT then you don’t spend the money, you are not financially burdened, you are not stressed, you are financially responsible and steady.
Post # 10
Tell her you’re sorry but the showers and bachelorette are more than you can afford when you already have to spend so much on flights, hotel, etc.
If she can’t understand and be sympathetic to that, it’s not a friendship I’d want to be in.
Post # 11
If she has already bought the ticket, then I don’t think you can back out at this point. It would destroy your friendship. I think you need to tell her that you can’t afford to contribute financially to her shower (though you can help set up, make a dish, etc.) or bachelorette (besides say paying for your fair share of her dinner and a few drinks). That being said, she should have a clue already since you are paying her back for airfare and hotel.
Post # 12
You have to be honest with her. You say she’s your best friend so I’d like to think you two can have a conversation about this and she’d be understanding.
Tell her you simply can’t afford all the extra stuff (and yes, a shower and bachelorette is extra stuff) and all the money you do have is going into paying her back for the flight.
Post # 13
I totally get this and was in your shoes a few years ago. Right after grad school I had to shell out almost $2,000 to be a friend’s Maid/Matron of Honor. It is stressful and all I could think about was how that money should be paying off my student loans. I wish I had the courage to say something and bow out of some of the events of express my financial concerns. Most of my friends started working out of undergrad and we’re making a decent living when I was still a poor grad student. I know they would have understood but I was too ashamed to speak up.
Don’t make my same mistake, say something like “I love you and want to be there for you but I don’t have room in my budget to pay for your showers. I will pay you back for the airfare and hotel and will support you at your shower but don’t have the disposable income to do this the way you’re envisioning it.”
Post # 14
What bewitched : just said. The phrase she suggests is really spot on.
It really is not acceptable that the bride , your close friend , should be so oblivious to what she is asking of you, but weddings make people oblivious to others situations sometimes!