(Closed) Help please, not sure what to do about BM/friend

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Yes, I think you’re out of line for kicking her out of your wedding party. She seems like she’s having a hard time and acting out, but nothing she has done has directly caused harm to you or your wedding. She seems like she’s going through some hard times and making mistakes. The last thing she needs is to be dumped by a friend. I would talk to her and tell her how you’re feeling. Ask if she wants to talk and needs support. 

Post # 4
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Miss Burgundy

Well I find this really alarming!  I’m sure when she started volunteering that it was made really clear to her what her boundaries should be with the people at the shelter and she violated that.  Those rules are there for a reason.  Clearly she has some issues when it comes to men.  What I wonder is why she wanted to volunteer at the shelter in the first place.  Does she want to do good work serving others?  If that is the case, she needs to really check herself (before she wrecks herself lol).  I’ve worked in the social services for years and you have to have very clear boundaries with people so that you know you are working in their best interest and not getting all strangely involved with them, compromising the services offered to them or dealing with transference issues. 

I would be really worried about your friend too.  It sounds like she is having a hard time and is making poor decisions.  Chances are with her reckless behavior that she might feel pretty separated from you as far as life paths go, since you are preparing to be married.  Still, that doesn’t mean that you can’t be a loving friend who can let her know you are concerned.  I don’t think it has to lead to cutting off the friendship altogether.  Usually when people act all crazy like this that is when they need their friends the most.  You just have to be clear with her about your concerns and then see what happens from there.  IMO, friendships aren’t just about “act this way and we’ll be friends” but also that when the going gets rocky, your friends will try to help you out.  However, sometimes we can only do so much.  It is tough!

Have you said anything to her about these things?  Do you have mutual friends who are worried about her too, so that you could even have a kind of intervention with her, so it isn’t all coming just from one person (because if it did, she may just put the blame on you and cut you out, and it sounds like she needs some help).

Keep us posted.  I’m sorry this is happening, it is very concerning and it is so hard as a friend to know that you can only do so much! 

Post # 5
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with KateMW. It sounds like Arlene really needs a friend right now. Some people “find themselves” a little later in life than others. I have one friend who is still in this process, too 🙁  I do understand that you’re concerned about her safety, and I think you should definitely talk to her about that, but I don’t think there’s any reason to kick her out of the wedding. Try to approach it from an “I care about you and don’t want you to get hurt” standpoint and show her how her actions are unsafe. 

Good luck!

Post # 7
2205 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t think you necessarily have to stay the best of friends with her, but it sounds like she is going through  areally rough time and completely removing her out of yoru life and wedding might make things worse.

I’m not saying stay in a friendship you don’t think you should be in, and I’m not saying kick her out now.  I don’t think her current behavior is causing any harm to your wedding or that she will create problems, for you.  I think after the wedding might be a better time to avaulate her choices and whether or not you want to remain friends.

It’s a tough situation, because I’m sure you feel torn between wanting to be there for her and just really disliking her actions.

be honest and tell her your worried abot her and you know she deserves better things in life.  Make sure she feels loved and accepted with you at least and maybe ask her for some long distance help with wedding things.  I hope for your sake and the sake of your friendship this is just a bad phase in her life and you guys can pick up where you left off!  She’ll be thankful you stuck it out with her if that’s the case!

Post # 8
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think if you are at the point where you feel like you can no longer be her friend, you need to have a heart to heart discussion with her about it.  She sounds like she confides in you – so, I wonder, if you would have felt this way about her if she didn’t consider you to be so close (ie: not confide in you with this info).

Ultimately, it’s your decision to make.  No one is perfect, but there are varying degees of what we will tolerate with our friendships.  We all do stupid things in life and make bad decisions, and usually our choices have consequences.  It sounds like you are leaning toward choosing to not have friends in your life that make the type of decisions she has – and, if that’s the case, then she deserves to know that sooner than later.


Post # 9
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m with KateMW. I think it’s normal that you would want to remove yourself from that situation entirely because it sounds like her life is really destructive right now, and on top of that, she’s not being completely forthright with information.

However, since you guys are good friends, it would make sense to first talk to in a non-confrontational way. Just say that you’re her friend, and of course, there if she needs to talk, and that you’re worried about her recent behavior.  It may work, and it may not, but either way, it’s worth being there for her, at least for another year or so (after that, well, I’m not sure what you can really do).

As KateMW said, nothing she’s done really affects you or the wedding directly, so I wouldn’t kick her out. But chances are, if she continues down this road, things might start to affect you directly, and then, it might be time for more drastic actions.

Hugs! What an awful situation to be in, but I hope it works out for you both.

Post # 10
1020 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh, I have a similar story. One of my good friends from college was engaged before me and I was one of her bridesmaids. When I got engaged, I asked her to be one of mine as well, and the giddy wedding conversations and bonding over our weddings began. She and I have always had a close bond due to having our committed relationships with our SO’s and thus our more “tame” lifestyle in common. Anyway, she went on a trip to Europe with some friends and ended up cheating on her Fiance in the process. It was apparently a cry for help and her “only way out” of the relationship b/c she had been having doubts. They called off the wedding. Anyway, in the face of her new singledom, she went off the deep end – partying, making out with, and even going home with different guys every night. We no longer had nearly as much in common, and I was obviously no longer her bridesmaid. Some other stuff happened between her and some other friends and I, and I was convinced we weren’t friends at all anymore. Since then, we have talked and cleared a lot up, but she knows that we are now living very different lives, I don’t approve of things she does, and have less in common. But, we are still friends. I have asked her not to be a bridesmaid, but it was only following this whole convo and after I told her I would have cut her sooner, but I was afraid that it would be the breaking point that ruined any shred left of our friendship. She understood and is still coming to the wedding.

If you still want to keep your friendship, I suggest a long honest convo like I had. If you’re okay losing her, just cut her (with an honest explanation or lame excuse – either way). Either way, though, I think you’re just in not wanting her as a bridesmaid anymore.

Post # 12
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Hmm.. it seems like she’s going through a very rough time. I wonder if anything in particular sparked this. If I were you, I would put my wedding in the back of my mind for now (I know it’s impossible!) and evaluate your friendship with her. Has she done anything directly to you to lose your trust? Sure, she’s made some bad decisions in her own life, but that doesn’t mean she can’t still be a good friend.

I like your idea of having a convo with her, but try not to be too confrontational. It would be best if you approach her as a friend because you’ve noticed some alarming events in her life recently. Does she need someone to talk to? Is there anything you can do? Just remind her that you’re there for her and see what she says.

Post # 13
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

When you have your conversation with her, I would try to say less rather than more. I am sure there are people in her life that are all giving her an extremely hard time for this behavior. Usually people in her situation lash out at those who try to help them.

You could open with “I have been worried about you lately. I refuse to stand by and let you think that I’m ok with [her behaviors] when I really feel like you are putting yourself in danger.” (last sentence stolen from your comment above, I thought it was perfect.)

Then try ye old police tactic and be silent, let her do the talking. She is probably going to lash back at you, justify and explain everything to you with perfectly good-seeming reasons (he’s different, he’s changed, he’s reformed). Let her. Just keep listening. I am sure that she has fears too that what she’s doing isn’t right, but she is too afraid to tell anyone because she doesn’t want to look like an idiot. Because this guy is meeting some sort of need for her, and if you can figure out what it is, then you can figure out how to address it in some other way. Does she feel adventurous with him? Dangerous? Exciting? Rule-breaking?

I think the best you can do for her is to show her that you will listen to whatever it is she has to tell you, and you make it clear that you support her, but not her behavior. I think eventually this treatment will pay off, and she will be able to come to you when she realizes what hot water she has gotten herself in. Don’t let her burn your bridge just yet. I wouldn’t throw her out of the wedding just yet, but maybe lower your expectations of how fulfilling her friendship is going to be for you right now. I hope it all turns out okay and that you can remain friends.

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