Post # 32
I think you should invite the mistress….Said no legitimate person ever.
I am just going to say it….I am totally judging your uncle. xD
Sorry if that offends anyone, but this just makes me so angry on different levels.
I’ll keep this civil though and simply say it is okay not to invite the mistress. There is no etiquette or valid reason to invite her.
I wish you all the luck in the world, I really do, hopefully this will be the only bump in the road in your planning process and that you’ll have the full support of your family and fiance’.
Post # 33
Oh my gosh!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so bad for your Aunt!!! I hope she gets a divorce from this man!!!! Y is she staying with him??????
Tell you uncle that his mistress is not invited. Yes, use that word. And if he doesnt like it, invite your Aunt only.
Oh and maybe you and your family can all get together and agree that you guys will help her to get back on her feet, if she ever divorces him. Then when thats all settled, for the love of GOD you and your family need to talk to her and tell her that she can live with one of them while she looks for a job, apartment, etc.
Maybe she feels trapped and dependent on him. If thats the case, then you and your family need to let her know that you all will help and be there for her.
No Man in any culture should treat his wife like this!
I feel so bad for her!!!
Post # 34
They are not married by law, she just lives there. So she is not his 2nd wife. My uncle himself calls her his mistress, and so does she (and they laugh about it). Although I fully understand where you are coming from and really appreciate it! I guess it is a personal situation for me so it is hard not to sound biased towards her hehe. Thanks!
To answer your other question, my dad only found out about this about 2 years ago. We have offered all sorts of help for her but because they live overseas its a bit hard. And it is hard to help someone to leave when they don’t want to.
Post # 35
I think that’s a great solution (telling him there just isn’t place for her to stay). If that doesn’t work–yes, you may have to put your foot down and say that if she shows up to the wedding, she will be asked to leave (and you may want to have a friend or family member ready to be the one to escort her out, if necessary). If your Uncle still protests, you could always say that you understand that he is upset, and you won’t be offended if he chooses not to come. That way, he has to decide. Bring her, or not come.
If you’re not comfortable standing up to your uncle, you could probably defer to your parents. Ask them to be the bad guys on this one. I think your Uncle might begin to see it your way if there are multiple family members telling him that he should not bring her.
Post # 36
that sucks! that’s exactly why i’m so adamant on women always working!
Post # 37
No, I would not allow the mistress to attend.
Post # 38
This makes the other woman a concubine then.
If your Aunt is not willing to leave then I think since this is an acceptable part of her and your uncles culture then you should respect their right to follow their chosen religious practices.
I am not saying it is right (or wrong for that matter) or that you have to like it but if that is they way they choose to live and it is legal where they live then as adults it is entirely up to them.
I would invite the family unit but spend time with my Aunt and let her see that if she chooses she does have options. I would also investigate what rights she has in your country to stay because unfortunately she probably has very limited options in her home country for leaving her husband if she chooses.
Post # 39
Thank you! I agree with you, when she comes over for the wedding I definitely will take her out just the two of us for a chat. We have offered help to her before multiple times; but she has fears, lack of finances and doesn’t want to be a burden (as if she would be). as i have mentioned before she has been with my uncle since young and i think thats all she knows. a small comfort is that my uncle IS kind to her (although that in no way reduces the pain of having the other woman live in YOUR house you built together.)
Post # 40
Good grief. Is this real life?! I am so sorry your aunt has to put up with that BS. I don’t know her, but I am sure she deserves a lot more than that.
Post # 41
- Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017
Neutral point of view
I’m going to be a little different here.. polygamy is legal in the country in question, though not so common. Though many of us may be disgusted it is not for us to judge their living situation. The way they were brought up and their standard of women’s rights is different and despite the wife’s obvious unhappiness, in the country in question divorce leads to few if any rights for her and she would be left without a home and possibly outcast by society. She is basically stuck there, she knows it, and you will not likely be able to help her unless you can secure her a place to stay in her country.
Despite the fact that the husband hasn’t married this mistress, they are (sadly) a single family unit.
Since your wedding is in Australia, it’s up to you whether you want to consider them a family unit, but that would be similar to not recognising the same-sex marriage of a couple in Australia when they married in, say, Canada.
Biased/My true point of view
No way would I invite the mistress. Other pps have said maybe the mistress can be left back at the hotel, but I expect this situation would escalate and so I’d say it might be better not to invite any of them at all. You should be free to enjoy your weddign without the stress that the mistress will gatecrash and cause a scene.
Also, I feel so sorry for the wife 🙁 She deserves so much better 🙁
Post # 42
@ekee: Oddly enough, I could not find any guidelines on this from Emily Post or the Wedding Etiquette Blue Book.
I certainly would not invite her.
Post # 43
@ekee: I rarely judge others, but your uncle is a terrible human being. It’s one thing to want to be part of that kind of arrangement, but it seems like your Aunt was forced into it. If I were your aunt, I would leave your uncle and fight for custody from this hired surrogate, but that’s a whole other issue. For your part, you should personally tell your aunt that you would love to have them at the wedding, but because your uncle is refusing to leave the mistress at home at this celebration of the sanctity of MARRIAGE, you are unable to invite any of them.
Post # 44
- Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017
I’m a supporter of stay-at-home-mums and am hoping to be one in the future, but I will have been working full-time 9 years by then and will have my own saving accounts to fall back on in the unlikely event that anything went wrong.
Post # 45
Check the laws where you live. Some places, all savings accounts get divided when there is a divorce. Even if its in your name and not his.
Post # 46
Unfortunately this is real and i wouldn’t put up with that bs either
Haha…those are exactly my opinions too! Hence the post in etiquette! I don’t know if not inviting them at all is a option though. My uncle has already been verbally invited.