(Closed) Help please!!! Should I invite my uncle's live in mistress?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 62
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@Earlybride:  +1.

The wife doesn’t like the arrangement, it IS degrading to her, the way she is being treated by her husband and “mistress.” I can’t imagine what her life must be like.

Post # 63
Member
9184 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@BlondeMissMolly:  Again that is referring only to the LDS. Not all Mormons are LDS. As I said the LDS like to claim the word mormon. The LDS do not practice polygamy. Some Mormons (obviously not ones who are LDS) still do practice polygamy.

I do not understand what you are not getting about this conversation?

Post # 64
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Wow, what a complicated issue.  

Can I point out one perspective (that someone else might have brought up, but I’m too lazy to read all the responses): if your auntie couldn’t convince your uncle not to TAKE ON A FULL TIME MISTRESS WHO LIVES IN HER HOME what makes you think you’re going to be able to convince him not to bring her to your wedding?  

Seems like your fighting a losing battle on this one.

Post # 65
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

Nope! Why should you? I think I’d only make an acoomodation like that for someone I was on excellent terms with, and it sounds like you’re not. So do a traditional invite of Uncle and Aunt and draw your line there.

Post # 66
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

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@j_jaye:  LDS is the church that officially and formally uses the name Mormon. Any other groups are not mormon, but rather some other group. They may claim the word Mormon, but they are not part of the official Mormon church. Likewise I do not understand what you do not get. I will not be responding to you any further. 

 

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@everyheart:  +1 it is very saddening

Post # 67
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@j_jaye:  Just wanted to throw you some love that I agree with your general point that viewing poligamy/polyamory as abhorent or disgusting or always degrading to women is kind of closed minded.  

Just because something often has been part of a misoginistic institution in the past doesn’t mean that it’s misoginistic in it’s nature (you could make that same arugment about marriage or many other social arrangemetns on that basis).  

But anyway, in this situation clearly the wife isn’t happy about the arrangement which is – obviously – very sad.  

Post # 68
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Woahhhh.. no. Tell him, sorry.. I don’t know her well and feel comfortable inviting close family. If you want to miss out on your nieces wedding over her, your loss. 

Post # 69
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I never curse but this post makes me want to scream “What the *bleep*” 

Your poor aunt. She must be so miserable and hurt. I don’t know her but my heart hurts for her. I don’t even think I could invite my uncle if it was me…

Post # 70
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@j_jaye:  I completely understand what you are saying about polyagmy in general, how it is possible to be a stable loving relationship. Hello, Sister Wives! 

 

However it is obviously NOT true in this case. The mitress in question calls herself a mitress. The husband calls her a mistress. They are not married under law or religion…nor does it seem like they will be. A concubine is either a 2nd wife or a mistress. SO yes she is in fact a concubine. And this women is rude/mean to the actual wife. This is a dysfunctional relationship.

 

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@ekee:  IMPO, HELL NO. Do not invite this woman. Your uncle needs to get over it. When he marries this “mistress” or officially announces that this is in fact his 2nd wife (and not his mistress) then the situation might be different. But as of now tell him that he can bring one person and it will be your aunt. 

Post # 71
Member
6354 posts
Bee Keeper

It is not polygamy when the aunt (the legal wife) is not a fully willing party to it. It’s cheating. In-your-face cheating, but cheating (or adultry) is what it is. Putting aside how cruel it is to the aunt and not wanting to support or condone that cruelty in any way, it is also making a mockery of marriage…why would you want that at your wedding?

I’d be very clear with the uncle that I’ll have bouncers at the wedding that will act immediately if the mistress shows up. I would personally send an invitation only to my aunt. If I were feeling particularly generous of heart, the invitation for my aunt would also have an “and guest.” Leave it up to her whether she wants to invite this grade A you-know-what to come with her. I’d rather just have my aunt there, and I’d make that clear to her, but I’d probably decide that she should make the final decision on whether she wants him there.

Post # 72
Member
4847 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

i would send a wedding invite to your aunty only….along with a one way ticket and information on obtaining a permanent australian visa.

My heart really goes out to your aunt….it must be awful to live in a country that gives you no real legal recourse to leave a situation like that. Do you think that the love she has for your uncle (and maybe the child?) is what is keeping her in her marriage?

I think no matter what you want your uncle is going to bring the mistress……your parents will probably accept it to keep the peace. The only positive is that you get to spend time with the aunty and you may be able to convince her to accept help from you and your family.

 

Post # 73
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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@j_jaye:  Firstly, I think that you are right to point out that polygamy in itself is not an evil practise.

For example, I have worked within cultures which are both polygamous and polyandrous. In most cases, the ideal is for the husbands or wives to be brothers or sisters, and some people choose this arrangement deliberately in order to keep a family unit together.

Likewise, Mosaic law dictated that, when a man died, his brother should marry his widow, in order to protect her and keep the family together. Islamic law has the idea of temporary marriage for the same reason: it is designed to protect a woman until her situation improves… for example, if she is waiting for an inheritance to be finalised.

Of course, human beings are human beings, and they abuse these rules.

Ordinarily, I would say that an invitation goes out to an entire family unit, including the children (I feel strongly that children should also be invited wherever possible, but that is a whole other issue). In this case, I would say that you must invite her.

For example, my second cousin once dated a lady whose father had a very unusual living arrangement. He married, then he met another woman and told her that he was not married, and they ended up setting up home together as well. At some stage, the two women found out and met each other to discuss the situation. They came to the conclusion (oddly enough) that they really liked each other, and ended up all living together with their children in a huge house, with a wing for each wife. In that case, I would say that invitations had to be to all three of them.

The question is: does the abuse in this case make it not OK to invite the entire family unit? And that’s a real moral dilemma. I think that, etiquette wise, you do have to include the whole unit… normal +1 rules apply. However, this woman is not a wife, and I wonder why he has not legalised their marriage. This implies to me that he is not so serious about her, and that she is responding to this uncertainty and insecurity with cruelty towards your aunt.

Anyway, I would imagine that the fact she is not a co-wife, but a mistress, means that you are not obligated to invite her. But this is a very difficult situation, and I feel terribly sorry for your Aunt. Perhaps you could attempt to help her escape her situation once more, when she comes for your wedding?

EDIT: scratch that last paragraph. of course you have to invite other halves, even if they are not married. The question is, therefore, whether it is OK or not OK to not invite an abusive relative… oh boy. I honestly don’t know. This is a doozy of a dilemma! You can’t just invite your Aunt, because she won’t travel without her husband. But if you invite the Uncle, I think you kind of have to invite the other woman as well. Yeesh…

Post # 74
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Your wedding is about your comfort. She is not a part of your family (and even choosing to not invite some family is fine if you don’t want them there). Do what you think is right and what makes you and your groom comfortable without causing any major family drama!

Post # 75
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

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@BlondeMissMolly:   not to threadjack, but Catholicism preaches that the Catholic Church is the one true church; they are the only true Christians. As a non denominational christian, Would that make me “something else”? I don’t think that the lds church should be able to claim that they and only they are the “true” Mormons. 

 

OP, don’t invite the mistress,  she sounds like an interloper.

Post # 76
Member
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

i would say don’t invite her.  The thing is how do you keep her out?  Will there be security there? Are you prepared for some kind of scene at the ceremony/reception? It’s not a pretty site watching bouncers carry someone out of a wedding, that was not on the guestlist that thought they should be.  

I don’t like the situation, I think it’s making a mockery of marriage.  However it sounds like  your aunt is putting up with it, no one is making her stay.  It doesn’t sound like your uncle cares about your aunty at all.  I’d invite just your aunty and maybe she won’t go back to that terrible situation.  Besides, who’s going to take care of the grandmother if none of them are there? 

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