Help pregnant and so upset

posted 2 months ago in Family
Post # 31
2958 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

This post was a lot and there are several issues that should be addressed. 

If I were you, I would get the abortion. You’ve stated very clearly that you cannot properly care for a baby and you do not want a baby with the father. No child should go through life feeling unwanted or being abused just for the sake of it being born. Pro-life doesn’t end once the baby is earthside and if you can’t provide that baby with what they need to be safe and loved them you do not need to have them. While there are many pro-life programs available, please keep in mind that you will still have to carry and deliver. Giving a newborn up can be just as traumatic or sometimes even more so than terminating early in the pregnancy.

Second, you stated that you cannot have your son because of who you are with but you will not leave the man you are with because you have “memories”. You are actively choosing this POS over your own health and well being and your child. I cannot even begin to describe how screwed that is. You need to develop a plan to get out and get your shit together for yourself and your son whether you keep this baby or not. 

Post # 32
1135 posts
Bumble bee

This sounds like a really difficult situation. I believe that it is your body, and therefore your choice. That being said, I want to tell you about my experience having a D&C (in my case because of an incomplete miscarriage) so you can make your choice. 


It was nothing. Easy as can be. I called my local planned parenthood (because they could fit me in earlier than my doctors and were recommended by my doctors. I had a great experience—two thumbs up, highly recommend planned parenthood.) They scheduled me for the next day. I went in, did a quick ultrasound, and had the procedure. I choose medium anasthesia. Woke up at felt ill for like a minute and a half (because of the anasthesia) and then was totally fine. Less pain than a regular period. Only took a few hours (mostly waiting and reading the internet on my phone) and everybody was so kind and helpful. I wish the doctors I had when giving birth to my (very much wanted) child were as generous and compassionate! (They were fine, but not as soothing or as careful.)

Post # 33
291 posts
Helper bee

This is your decision and your decision alone. You should think about the pros and cons of both decisions and go from there. It’ll be hard no matter what. 

I would leave your boyfriend regardless of your decision though.

Post # 34
406 posts
Helper bee

I know it is hard to think about abortion. I have been there. I too was divorced and then was in a cycle of dating pretty terrible men. While I do not have children, I accidentally got pregnant as well by a man who treated me terribly, was verbally abusive, border-line physically abusive, and overall just horrible. The thing is, it was hard to understand up from down after he tore me down over and over, and coupled with pregnancy hormones, I had trouble letting the pregnancy go. 

I had friends sit me down, tell me to imagine life with him, how horrible he would be to me, my family, the child, and to get myself out and disentangle from him. That meant an abortion. I won’t lie to you and tell you it was easy. I cried for six months grieving that pregnancy and even backslid into the worst, most abusive time of the relationship, but when I was out and no longer connected to him in any way I was truly free. It opened up space for therapy, family, friends, healing, and eventually a deep love with someone incredibly safe. I hope you choose the same path for yourself. 

Post # 35
2153 posts
Buzzing bee

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@dashwoodgirl:  This was an extremely kind comment. I’m so glad you were able to leave and that you were able to make some very hard choices. 

I have not come down as hard on this OP as others have, because I know that when you are in an abusive relationship your brain just doesn’t process things the same way. If the OP has had an abusive past it will color how she thinks about herself, love, and others around her. It’s a very complicated thing. It would be great if we could say stuff like “how dare you choose a man over your child!” and the OP would snap out of it and leave this relationship, but that’s not how it works. She probably thinks her child is better off without her. She probably thinks she’s not worth anything. She probably thinks she’s getting what she deserves. She might even feel reliant on this guy in a very real way. It’s very hard to detangle yourself from someone when you feel this way. 

Tearing down someone even more when they feel this badly about themselves, bad enough to make choices that put themselves and their children in danger, is only going to reinforce all the negative things she believes about herself. It’s not going to make her wake up, it will only pull her down further. That’s why I think we are better served to help by being supportive, kind, and positive. 

Post # 36
665 posts
Busy bee

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I agree with you, but I have been where the kid is. It’s a horrendously painful feeling knowing your mom is actively choosing someone over you and like someone mentioned above, we can look it at from an adult perspective-no black and white, but shades of grey, but the child is absolutely looking at it as a black and white perspective. “My mom is choosing this asshole over me”. 

I think in this situation, someone needs to be advocating for the kid who is sitting at home without a mom because his mother is too busy obsessing over some guy. I can understand everything you said from a psychological perspective, but I have no sympathy for it. 

My heart is not with OP, my heart is with her poor child who has been abandoned by his mother. 

Post # 37
7353 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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@strawberrysakura:  I think you make a good point about how abusive and toxic relationships mess with the head, but one of the things my mother told me when I was in my early 20s was that even as she navigated some of THE MOST challenging times of her life in the end of her marriage (and all of the trauma and upheaval that came with it), she said she pushed herself to do things that terrified her and that she might not have had the courage or ability to do otherwise simply by prioritizing her children (who were just about the same age as OPs son).

Since becoming a mother, myself, I have also experienced that nothing pulls your head out of your own ass like just thinking about (and then doing) what is best for your kid(s). Even if your heart is still confused and broken. Even if your head is still fucked up. Just figuring out what to do for your kids and doing that, sometimes robotically, sometimes plodding along one foot in front of the other, day by day, eventually you look up and you are past that place where you were so broken and maybe you can take the space to focus on healing from there.

The fact that OP has not only not done that for a child she’s had for over a decade, but is also waffling over bringing ANOTHER child into this messed up situation (which will then likely make the rift between her and her son even greater) – even though she has stated that she doesn’t want this tie to this person and already miscarried at the end of last year, is largely why she’s getting the responses she’s getting.

I think there’s also the fact that bad mothers are judged more harshly than bad fathers, but that’s a whole other conversation.

Post # 38
1697 posts
Bumble bee

Dear OP, how are you doing?  I hope you are ok and have been able to find some support in making decisions that will be right for you.  Let us know how you are getting on xxx

Post # 39
4499 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@strawberrysakura:  I don’t think we can ever speak in absolutes. I have unfortunately had two people I’m very close with find themselves in abusive situations with kids, and in both of their cases, realizing the impact that staying had on their kids WAS the push they needed to leave. Realizing their kids were old enough to understand, and were feeling like mom was choosing this guy over them having a safe home was what they needed, and it took people pointing that out for it to sink in. I don’t think anyone has said OP is a horrible person, but good people make bad choices, and while her choices may have been made from fear it doesn’t change that they were bad, and negatively impact a child who did not choose any of this, and whom it is her job to care for.

Who knows, maybe it’s better there’s a variety of responses on here because maybe that mix whose voice is all ultimately saying PLEASE LEAVE is what it will take.


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