Post # 1
Im not really sure where to start.
I have been engaged for 7 months and have planned most details of the wedding. however, i have been having doubts for a while now.
When we first got engaged i felt overwhelmingly sad. that feeling eventually went away but then i have recently become aware of many behaviours that are troubling
Last week my fiance got so drunk that he didnt come home. not only was he unappologetic but he turned everything around on me. Also, everytime we fight he brings up breaking up (beyond frusterating). my dad is an alcholic and i dont want to raise children in a home like that. my fiance said he would stop drinking but didnt put any plan in place… aka: i call bull-s**t.
We also are not very good at communicating with each other in every regard. when we go out for a date night we can talk for about 15 mins and then we have run out of topics. when we fight he just says that im bad at communicating and he just talks in circles and dissmisses my concerns.
Right now im feeling very apprehensive and concerned. in my relationship i dont feel trust or like i can rely on him.
i do love him very much and dont ever want to hurt his feelings. he keeps asking me if i still want engagement pictures done.. and i honestly dont know the answer!
anyone out there who can help me? offer advice? tell me that im not crazy haha
ps sorry about the awful spelling and grammer
Post # 3
@feelingconflicted: Take a giant step back. I wouldn’t necessarly call of the wedding, but I would run, don’t walk to counseling. The lack of communication as well as the substance abuse should give you pause. People can change, but it’s not overnight and what you are describing are serious issues. In addition it sounds like there is a lack of trust. You have several months and if you both get intensive therapy fast you could turn it around… the real question is if you want to. That’s something only you can answer. You’re so concerned about hurting his feelings that it’s killing you emotionally. You need to look out for yourself. Get some distance. No matter how many plans you’ve made, or how many deposits or money. Breaking off a wedding is better than filing for divorce afterward (and a lot less messy).
Post # 4
Marriage is supposed to be forever so everytime I read a thread like this, I think that if a person is having doubts, they should at least delay getting married. Since you specifically say you cannot trust or rely on him, you have to look into your relationship and figure out if that will ever be there if you BOTH work on it. I think you can’t be scared about hurting his feelings, not being able to trust your partner is a serious issue. If you have poor communication and can’t share these thoughts with him, it doesn’t look like marriage is the right thing for you at this time. If I were in your position, I wouldn’t be planning a wedding. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Post # 5
@feelingconflicted: I completely agree with @renwoman. There is also no harm in extending the engagement period and delaying the wedding until you have worked through your feelings and have decided what is best for you.
Post # 7
@feelingconflicted: Ask yourself if nothing changed, would you be happy spending the rest of your life like it is right now? And how would you feel if things got a little bit worse? Would that be ok with you for a while? How about a lot worse?
That is your answer.
You can’t see into the future, so the only thing you can base your decision on is how he is right now. You can also safely assume that life will throw you curve balls that make things both a little and a lot worse. There really isn’t any guarentee things will ever get better, so I don’t factor that into the equation.
Despite what we see in the movies, read in books, and read here, love actually isn’t enough on it’s own to build a long, happy marriage.
Just food for thought.
Post # 8
It is better for a bride to run back down the aisle than it is for a bride to run straight towards a divorce. I would attend counseling and delay the wedding. After some sessions or if he refuses to go to seek therapy then I would break it off. Do what you can to fix this or take the step to move forward with your life.
Post # 9
@feelingconflicted: Imagine how awesome it would be to be engaged to a man about whom you had NO doubts — zero, none. Imagine you were engaged to a man who made you feel incredibly special, like the most beautiful, brilliant, funny, talented woman on the entire planet. Imagine your fiance cared so much about your feelings that, knowing your issues with your father, he made sure his own behavior never reminded you of your dad. Just let yourself imagine for a second what it would be like to be engaged to someone who treated you as the most important, precious person in his life; who treated you as though your feelings were JUST as important as his.
Now reflect on this: a lot of the ladies here on Weddingbee have a fiance like this. You could, too. But it’s not this guy you’re currently engaged to.
(Do keep in mind – most of us ladies here who have these wonderful fiances — we also, in the past, had shitty boyfriends who we thought we loved too much to hurt by breaking up with them. But we DID break up with those guys; we took that risk, and we ended up with the kind of man I describe above: loving, thoughtful, caring, and compassionate.)
Now ask yourself: why are you even considering going through with this wedding? Why aren’t you holding out for the man who you’ll have ZERO doubts about marrying? Do you think you don’t deserve that kind of guy? I assure you, you do.
Post # 10
Listen to your gut. If it doesn’t feel “right” to be getting married at this point, there is no shame in taking time to reconsider and/or get counseling.
Post # 11
Key things here:
1. Feeling sad about engagement (big red flag, as engagements are usually a happy affair)
2. Fiance got drunk, did not come home, did not seem apologetic (red flag again-no regard for your feelings)
3. Poor communication both ways, twists everything to make it ‘your‘ fault (another red flag, no regard for your feelings, and can be a sign of abuse)
4. Dismisses your concerns (is this a regular habit of his?)
Basically it appears you are right to feel conflicted about this relationship. I’m sorry to say this, but your fiance seems to behave in a way that shows he does not care about you. Constant disregard for your feelings and concerns (the drinking for instance) proves this. If he is prone to turning every argument into placing blame at your feet, even if he is the one at fault, he is not going to stop.
I would run like hell away from this relationship. Counseling is an excellent idea for you, however, it will not change his behavior. Please listen to your gut and get out while you still can.
Post # 12
Thank you all for the wonderful eye opening posts! sometimes what a girl needs is an outsiders perpective! i have a lot of huge decisions to make. its time to clean up this mess!
Post # 12
calendula : Im not sure if you are still on this website but I want you to know how truely impactful you note to me was. I read this post a thousand times! I now have the most wonderful caring husband (not the loser in the post above) in whome I have absolutley no doubts. Thank you so much for helping me to see that it wasnt right!