Post # 1
Hi everyone, this is my first post. Desperate times.
Our wedding is 7 months away, engaged in March 2017, been together for 4.5 years, living together.
From the beginning I wasn’t sure about him, like I mean from the first date. But he was nice enough and cared about me and we had fun so I went along with it. Fast forward 2 years, he moves in and I was happy about it. Then we plan my 30th birthday DREAM trip to New Zealand and the whole trip is overshadowed by this nervous tension because I had a feeling he was going to propose. He did! I said yes and pretended everything was fine but the anxiety set in very soon after that. I wondered if this is what I wanted, I never saw myself as wife and mother in a little house in the suburbs, I have big dreams and want to travel and need a man that can keep up! But society and my mother have beat it into me that I’m in my 30s and time is ticking. He would make a phenomenal husband and father. He’s kind and hardworking and loves kids. But he also has an anger problem when he’s stressed and I battle anxiety/depression on a daily basis which, 4.5 years later, is still a hot button issue in our relationship. He doesn’t know how to deal with me when I’m in an episode of either anxiety or depression so in the past year I’ve felt defeated and hopeless and now I just try not to talk about it and it’s put a lot of strain on us. We are in couples counseling but I can’t help but think I deserve someone who will be patient and empathetic to my situation. On top of it all, planning the entire wedding has become my task, our families are extremely hands off which bothers me to no end and my fiancé is not a creative type to help me plan details and I’m a nervous wreck/perfectionist when it comes to the little things because I only get this experience once right? Might as well go all out. Anxiety + planning something this massive is destructive.
Another problem: My family is Hungarian, his family is from NY, they don’t interact much and I’m worried what the dynamic is going to be like the day of. I feel like an elopement would have been better suited for my personality.
And now for the biggest problem: few months after our engagement I got pregnant (accidentally). After a heart wrenching week of debating back and forth if we were ready for a child (emotionally we were, financially we were not) we got an abortion. The night before I went for the procedure I was crying uncontrollably because I didn’t WANT to abort. I HAD to. I told him this would break me and I didn’t know if our relationship would survive. 1.5 years later I’m still in therapy for this and I have a breakdown at least once a month about it and I blame him for not stepping up and protecting me and his unborn child. Of course I blame myself too, it’s complicated. (Please no judgment, I can’t handle it on this subject)
Overall I’m losing sleep, my anxiety is peaking, I’m in grad school and training for a marathon on top of wedding planning, so I feel like running for the hills on a daily basis but I can’t seem to pull the trigger and call it off! In my heart this relationship is doomed and I know if I could just find the courage and strength I would be ok without him. But I’m 32 and so scared of starting over. What do I do?
Post # 2
akstruggles : I’m so sorry, OP. That is so much to deal with. I think you’ve answered your own question though. Regardless of whether or not you end the relationship right now, you should definitely call off the wedding. There is no reason to rush into marriage but every reason to take a time-out and figure out what direction you want your life to go in.
Post # 3
Just being with him in general sounds like a dumpster fire but marrying him would be even worse. Call the wedding and relationship off.
Post # 4
- Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek
Call off the wedding, yesterday. You’re getting married for all the wrong reasons and not once in that lengthy post did you mention that you love this man. This isn’t even a hard decision. Put it like this if the roles were reversed and he had these same feelings about you would you be ok with knowing someone was marrying you bc you ticked a couple boxes and was *nice enough*? Absolutely doomed to fail. I hope you both find more suitable companions in the future but for now stick to individual therapy and work on caring for yourself.
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Please call it off now. It’s much easier to call off a wedding than it is to go through a divorce.
Post # 6
First of all, I’m so very sorry bee for your heartbreaking loss. Have you had individual counseling to deal with your grief? It may be helpful not to have him there so you and a professional can fully process and help you.
For the rest, I think you know things have not gotten better and it may very well get worse. It’s ok to be scared of starting over. Being on the bee is getting strength from strangers who will tell you what they see without bias.
You know your heart is not in it (even though there were good memories) and that you guys have incompatibilities that don’t seem easily resolved. If you feel like you can’t speak your mind or unburden yourself (turn to him for comfort in your anxiety or sadness) then it’s very hard to make a life together because there is so much sh*t that happens and only so much lemonade you can make by yourself.
Take small steps to prepare yourself and him for this – relationships fail but it is kindest when both parties know why. Be more honest to him and yourself. Start taking steps to be independent if you live together (make sure you have options) and remind yourself that there are millions of women who find love in their 30s. I had two roommates both get married after 32, dating, marriage, and kids within two years. I also had a cousin who got married at 37, baby at 38.
Post # 7
This sounds horrible, Bee; you have so much pressure on you right now. It really doesn’t sound like you’re in love with this man–actually, have you ever been in love with this man? Do NOT get married because society and your mother are pushing you to; you’ll regret that sooner rather than later. I didn’t get married until 37 and also started over around 32, and waiting was exactly the right thing for me. It can be for you too! Whatever you do, don’t get married for any reason other than wanting more than anything to love and build a life with the person you’re marrying. Is this how you feel about your fiance?
Post # 8
I woud get some space from the situation ASAP if you can as well as intensive, intensive therapy (not just weekly sessions). As someone with generalized anxiety disorder and potentially OCD too (according to mutiple doctors), I know that it is very easy to get in my head and convince myself of something pessimistic, or to obsessively focus on one shortcoming.
Your relationship might be doomed and the problems you have highlighted are certainly real. I’m not denying that at all. But I would hesistate to make such a massive decision when your mental health is getting worse. It may be that it makes your anxiety get better if you leave him. Or maybe it won’t. This is such a big decision and you want to be completely sure you’re making it for the absolute right reasons. You don’t want a situation where you look back on this in five years and blame your anxiety and depression. I have done that professionally and it’s not fun.
Post # 9
I’m sorry you’re going through this, bee. There’s a lot going on in your head and you should definitely continue seeing a therapist (and perhaps seek a new one?) and improve yourself first. You are marrying for the wrong reasons; society and your mother should never be a factor in your decision to marry this man or not. It doesn’t sound like you are in love with him either.
“I can’t help but think I deserve someone who will be patient and empathetic to my situation.”
I think deep down you know you don’t love him enough. Just because he ticks most of your boxes doesn’t mean he’s the right person for you. Stay strong, bee.
Post # 10
- Wedding: January 2020 - Germany
Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss Bee…that must have been an unimaginably difficult decision to make.
Secondly, there’s only one other thing I would like to suggest that I can’t see in the above posts (all of which I agree with), and that’s, if it’s at all possible, stop training for the marathon. By all means keep running, exercise is good in general and even more so as a combatant against depression and anxiety (I’m speaking from experience), but to add another deadline and heap of pressure on yourself is not what you need right now. You’re still young and will be able to do marathons in the future if you so choose.
(I’m saying this as someone who was training for a marathon while trying to do many other things (exams, fund raising, planning a long important trip) and it drove me almost to the edge. There were some things I didn’t have the option of stepping back from, but marathon training was one I could and while I initially felt like I was letting myself down or being a ‘quitter’ looking back it was absolutely the right thing to do.)
I wish you luck finding peace Bee x
Post # 11
I remember being raked over the coals on this board for daring to suggest that some women experience regret and depression after an abortion, even years later. I am pro choice but it’s a hard choice to make and can leave repercussions. OP I think if the relationship was truly right for you, you would have kept the baby. But something in you knows things aren’t quite right. Pay attention to your feelings and don’t brush them off by thinking you are being anxious or depressed. ( not saying you are doing this).
Post # 12
You really can’t let fear make life choices for you. Fear that you are older and won’t have time to find someone else. You know that just isn’t true. You aren’t limited to this one relationship. This isn’t your one shot. Your gut is telling you to break it off and move on. You should do just that. Getting engaged should be exciting and happy. The fact that you felt anxiety and doubt surrounding that just shows that he isn’t the right guy for you. The right person wouldn’t make you feel anxious or unsure.
Abortion is different for everyone. I had one in high school and I never looked back. It didn’t really effect me in a deep way and in my experience it protected my future. Perhaps you can look at it as avoiding being tied to the wrong person for the rest of your life. I know it’s hard and the emotions will be up and down. With time the hurt will dissipate. When it is the right time for you to have children it will be filled with joy and love. Nothing and no one can take that sense of joy away from you.
Make some plans so that you can break it off and immediately move out and get a clean break. Plan a fun adventure trip to remind yourself who you are and the life you want. Hugs bee it will be ok.
Post # 13
- Wedding: March 2018 - The Venue, Barkisland, UK
It sounds as though you’re perhaps more scared to start again, than you are to give up what you’ve got, and that should tell you what you need to know.
I’m sure that it’s not easy, but I’ve seen other posters on here break off their engagements and they’ve come out the other side. You can too.
Post # 14
You’ve gotten a lot of really good advice I won’t repeat, but I just want to share that it is never too late to find someone new and get married! I’ll likely be 40 when I get married for the first time. I won’t lie, there were some tough years of dating and getting worried it would never happen for me, but then I found the right person and I am SO HAPPY I didn’t settle.
Take good care of yourself! I liked the idea a PP had about quitting training for the marathon. Too much pressure but continue to exercise for mental health and well-being.
Post # 15
oh bee, cancel this wedding. There is absolutely nothing in your post that suggests otherwise or even a smidgen that you should continue on with this man. It’s not right, you’ve continued far too long! You need to break this up and move on with your life and focus on yourself and your mental wellbeing.