Help! Should I cancel my wedding??

posted 11 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

akstruggles :  

Bee, read your own post and imagine it was written by your little sister or best friend. How would you advise her?

So called ‘anger’ problems are most often covered up abuse problems. How does he behave during one of his anger episodes? Does he call you names? Say mean things? Throw things? All of that qualifies as verbal or emotional abuse.

A warning: people with “anger problems” frequently escalate after a major shift in the relationship, like getting married. Once they feel they have you fully locked down, they can let the mask slip. The amount of anxiety you feel makes me think that there may be a mask with something not so pretty under it.

Drop the couples counseling. The therapist should know better. You both need to be seen individually first.

On to the rest of your fiancé’s stellar resume.

He refuses to give you emotional support when you need it.

He’s kind and hardworking . . .

No he’s not. He rages at you, possibly abusively. He won’t provide you with any comfort or support when you are hurting. That’s not even close to kind.

Bee, your own body is screaming at you. You’re racked with relentless anxiety, which you have had from the start. You can’t sleep.

The real issue here is not whether to cancel the wedding. The issue is what is making you consider settling for this kind of marriage. This is what has to be explored in individual therapy. I agree with the PP about finding a different therapist just for you.

What would need to happen for you to feel 100% sure about this marriage? To feel joyful about it?

Post # 17
Member
2486 posts
Buzzing bee

You want to chose your future husband joyfully and excitedly. Not fearfully and anxious to “get it over with.”

I, too, felt I deserved to wait for someone who would be empathetic to my plight. I have c-PTSD and SAD, and needed someone who would take care of me when I was at my worst – not turn on me and judge me.

I found him, and I married him joyfully. We married when I was 33.

You do deserve that. 

Post # 18
Member
3789 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation! I think the best advice I can give you is “Don’t make decisions out of fear”. Don’t base your entire future on avoiding something you’re afraid of. Marrying this man is a band-aid solution. It means you’re not alone, you have a partner, but it sounds like he’s not a great partner when you need him to be. You shouldn’t be going through tough times alone when you have a spouse! You know he’s not the right fit for you. Relationships are hard enough without settling for someone who isn’t exactly right for you. I started all over at 31, left my husband, moved out of my house, moved to a different city and started completely fresh. It was terrifying, and the first couple months were tough. But looking back, it was the absolute best decision I ever made. 4 years later I’m engaged to a man who is very clearly my match and suits me in more ways than I ever thought another human could. I don’t even know how I thought I could be happy in that marriage when I see how much better my life got once I left. 

Do the things that scare you because those are usually the things that will help you grow and become the person you want to be! Don’t be tied to someone who doesnt make you exceptionally happy just because of other peoples expectations of you. You get one life. Live it the way YOU want to!

Post # 19
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry you are going through this tough time and for the loss you went through. I honestly think you have answered your own question. I know it’s a very difficult situation, but you have to do what’s best for YOU. I don’t like to be one saying “you should leave” or “you should stay”, but in this situation I feel as though you’re not truly happy.

He doesn’t sound like an absolutely horrible guy, but he doesn’t sound like the guy for you. You need someone who will completely understand you, someone who will be there for you when you need them the most and is willing to take the time to understand your anxiety and depression. 

Sending hugs your way Bee. 

Post # 20
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Oh Bee, I think you answered your own question. You want to call off the wedding. You should call off the wedding. He isn’t a good match for you. You deserve someone kind and patient. Someone who doesn’t pressure you into an abortion. Someone who doesn’t have anger issues. Someone you can share your whole self with. You deserve someone whose life goals align with yours so you can travel and have the family you want. This guy isn’t it.

You won’t be happy in this relationship. It is better to call off the wedding now than get divorced later. I know it is hard and scary, but it is the right choice. It doesn’t matter how old you are. Wouldn’t it be better to start over now than start over after a divorce a few years down the road?

I wish you all the best.

Post # 21
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

For me, the ability to compassionately handle my anxiety and depression was a deal maker/breaker when I was dating. There was a guy who wanted to go out with me, but I kept turning him down because I thought he wouldn’t be understanding of my symptoms. One day I had a talk with him about it and, surprise, he was WONDERFUL and has only gotten better at being my number one advocate. We’re going ring shopping in April. Do you think he’d have had a snowball’s chance in hell if I even THOUGHT he wouldn’t be able to handle me?

This is what I tell myself: you have one life. Much of the time it’s going to suck because you’re mentally ill, thems the breaks. It’s up to YOU to do what’s necessary to be as happy as possible. What would happen to me down the road if I marry a man who isn’t kind, who forced me to abort a baby that was very much wanted and loved? I’m pro-choice, but this situation isn’t about that. You wanted the baby and what he did was disgusting. You are NOT to blame.

But you have the choice to walk away and seize your happiness. There is hope, but not as long as you’re tethered to this man. You know what to do. I hope you do it.

Post # 22
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

You’re miserable and have never wanted to get married to this guy.  End it already!  How unfair not only to yourself, but to your partner!  You are wasting his time. 

Post # 23
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

akstruggles :  Call of wedding and relationship.

32 is very young your not 50. Better to find your perfect man older then be in this misery and get divorced which this will eventually lead to.

Im sorry your going through this but there is too many red flags to ignore

Post # 24
Member
4973 posts
Honey bee

Call it off and run! Anger issues are no good. 

Post # 25
Member
323 posts
Helper bee

I think a fresh start would be the best call. Take some time to yourself to heal emotionally before you move onto the next relationship. 

Post # 26
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m going to add to the minority opinion that you don’t need to do anything yet.  Put off the wedding, but don’t, necessarily, break up with the partner. Work on your depression and anxiety. Take some time for discernment about what you want. Then move forward.  Throwing away your whole relationship is appealing, but you will probably still find the issues are there within you.

 

Breathe. You will figure this out.

Post # 27
Member
3532 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

You have known from day 1 that this isn’t the right guy for you. Cut your losses and start over, even if it’s scary. You are getting married for all the wrong reasons.

Post # 28
Member
978 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

You say you’ve known since day 1 that you don’t want him. 4.5 years later, you’re still wasting his time.  That’s cruel.   Set him free and find your peace.

 

Post # 29
Member
2005 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

It boils down to this. 

You don’t love him. You want to because you think that is what is right, but you don’t. Do the right thing and end it. 

Post # 30
Member
819 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

He would make a phenomenal husband and father.

Would he though? It doesn’t sound like it from what you’ve described. He has anger issues and some lack of empathy and patience. And despite supposedly being hardworking and (presumably) in his 30s, he isn’t even able to provide financially for a child that would otherwise be wanted. 

So adding that to your other concerns, I don’t see what the benefit is of this relationship besides avoiding change. Perhaps you should start looking at it as a fresh start instead of starting over.

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