Help! Should I go to my sister in laws wedding?

posted 3 months ago in Wedding Related
  • poll: How should I handle the situation of my sister in-law's wedding?

    Stick to my gut feeling: don't go! Let my wife decide if she wants to go without me.

    Don't go, and try hard to convince my wife to go without me.

    Sucks to suck; swallow it for the sake of your wife and sister in-law

    Run to Mexico and hide in a cantina (forever). I can hablar espanol! Problems can't find me there!!

  • Post # 136
    Member
    3723 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    @stateofbeeing:  I stand by what I said. It was a one para comment you replied to that had the word pandemic in it multiple times and was specifically about giving birth in a pandemic. And now you’re claiming that COVID wasn’t the context. You’re either lying (and yes, gaslighting us into thinking we are the crazy ones who dont get it) or you really need to take more time to read the comments you’re replying to.

    Post # 137
    Member
    632 posts
    Busy bee

     

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    @stateofbeeing:  I mean, you also technically have a ‘right’ to be hurt by the mailman not giving your a personal christmas present.

    You have a right to feel whatever feelings you feel. But not all feelings are actually *reasonable* ones.

    My Mother-In-Law was hurt, devastated really, that we refused to discuss her arguments for why we shouldn’t vaccinate our child. She’s probably still ‘hurt’ about that to this day. IDGAF because that’s beyond unreasonable.

    Are her feelings ‘valid’? I mean, she genuinely feels them. But they are also selfish, self-centered, and unreasonable.

    Post # 138
    Member
    108 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

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    @stateofbeeing:  A husband siding with his wife when it comes to issues with outside family / in laws is the RIGHT thing to do. “Putting her in her place” sounds pretty DISGUSTING. Siding with your nuclear family is appropriate. He should not go against his WIFE in order to appease his sister and mother. 

    I say this as someone with limited contact with my husbands family. He has my back and would NEVER “put me in my place” and force me to be in contact with his family when they’re the ones that are wrong. Of course, they don’t see that they’re wrong and probably do blame me for stealing him away from them. But that is his job as my husband, to have my back and have a united front. Someone who hurts me hurts him. You could be my SIL except for a few details you’ve mentioned don’t add up, but man you really had me second guessing. 

    Someone who doesn’t understand the depths of a serious relationship or marriage wouldn’t understand that. When you get married, you make a commitment to that person and form a new nuclear family that takes priority.

    Post # 139
    Member
    1527 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    @annabe11a:  No.  The siding with a spouse is correct when neither party is right or wrong, neither party has done anything wrong, when it’s a question of philosophy.  (And even then, you don’t HAVE to side with your spouse in those situations, it just wouldn’t be wrong not to.)  I highly doubt that you’d expect your husband to side with you if you did something wrong.

    A united front simply means that both you and your spouse project the same view.  That view, if the spouse did something wrong, should be one of admitting that they were wrong and atoning for it.

    Post # 140
    Member
    15 posts
    Newbee

    View original reply
    @moschata:  

    You leave the meanest comments on posts I have ever read. What is happening in your life that causes you to be this mean? 

    Post # 141
    Member
    15 posts
    Newbee

    View original reply
    @moschata:  

    Sis, someone could accidentally bump into you at Wal-Mart and you would call it misogyny. You fixate on misogyny more than anyone I’ve ever encountered. 

     

    Post # 142
    Member
    637 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @privatebeefornow:  I wonder why my comment resonated with you.

    I assure you I’m fine. I hope you’ll understand if I don’t put much value in the opinion of someone who knowingly chose to date a married man and is now shocked that he’s not a good husband.

    Post # 144
    Member
    4795 posts
    Honey bee

    View original reply
    @privatebeefornow:  ooh, another one of SOB’s alter egos. Fun!

    Post # 145
    Member
    108 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    View original reply
    @stateofbeeing:  Without knowing the full story (and I’m not asking), it’s hard to tell who was wrong. I know in my situation with my in laws, they despise me and think I’m wrong for basically everything and have decided they’d rather never speak to their brother again than see me (told me this to my face). Yet I assure you, I have done nothing wrong and my husband agrees with me. Wrong and right are not always so black and white, and most people always think they’re right and the other is crazy.. that goes both ways. 

    Anyway this is 1000% derailing the OP so I’m done now. Just sad to hear you say a man needs to put a woman “in their place”. Even if she IS wrong, there is a much nicer way to say that that doesn’t sound so disgusting and demeaning. 

    Post # 146
    Member
    2534 posts
    Sugar bee

    Omg this thread has turned into such a shitshow. 

     

    Getting back to the question at hand. Everyone has covered everything about Covid, wondering if the sisters will even want him there, and how traumatic, painful, and exhausting childbirth can be. It’s a medical procedure, OP, and that doesn’t play well with bringing your family along for a visit. 

    I understand that every family is different, and that there may be cultural differences at play. However, I have always understood childbirth to be very much a PRIVATE affair. Every woman is different and every birth is different, but it can be incredibly traumatic and dangerous. Do people sometimes come meet the baby after the birth? Sure they do. They come to the hospital for 20 min to an hour and then they get their ass out of there. I have NEVER heard of ANYONE actually scheduling a VACATION around a mother giving birth. The most I have heard is a mother asking for someone to come help watch other children and to assist with cleaning the home, cooking, bathing; usually her own mother. That’s not a family vacation. Here’s another thought. Other people have mentioned that the child might not be born on the due date, which happens frequently. Have you considered that it’s possible there might be complications? There may be issues with the birth, the baby, your sister. If the worst is happening, this is NOT the time for you to be around. I don’t think you have really thought this through. 

    Another thing. You are so adamant on being there for these births, and in general this is very much NOT A THING so I feel you see yourself as incredibly family oriented. Therefore I feel like there’s pretty much nothing on earth that would compel you to miss a sister’s WEDDING. And while you are not suggesting your wife shouldn’t go to her sister’s wedding, where is your committment to her family which has become yours? She is your family, her sister is your family. It’s important you show up with your son to this event. This is a much more appropriate venue to demonstrate your family values and show the kind of person you are. 

    My advice would be to set aside the money you would be spending on the childbirth trips and instead start planning something different. Start planning a vacation for later in the year when your sisters will be more recovered and the children will be a little older. Look for ways that maybe everyone can meet for a family vacation and spend some much needed time together. I guarantee everyone will get a lot more out of that type of family togetherness. 

     

    Post # 147
    Member
    490 posts
    Helper bee

    Surprise, surprise – yet another thread that has devolved into the SOB show. Whenever I see one of her wonderfully whacky out of touch comments, I just know it’s a matter of time before there’s 10+ pages of doubling down, backtracking, playing the victim, and general derailment. And here we are. 

    Post # 148
    Member
    13955 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

     

    View original reply
    @stateofbeeing:  I don’t see how you could have possibly missed that the context of this entire thread is, in fact, about traveling to see newborns vs. a wedding in Italy during a pandemic. What you would do and how you would feel pre-Covid is totally irrelevant to the subject being discussed. You say you reread what you wrote and it wasn’t confusing, but it absolutely was. PPs were talking about these trips with the current situation in mind, not some alternate universe.

    Also, where the heck are you getting the idea that “it didn’t sound as if the main reason (that the sisters don’t want OP there for the births) was Covid?” OP has never mentioned his sisters view of his visit or the timing at all. In fact, you knew that, even said you were making the assumption that he is welcome in the absence of evidence to the contrary. Both of those things can’t be true. 

    Even pre-Covid, flying in to see a newborn with your wife and son is presumptuous unless you are specifically invited. And while I believe you when you say you would be hurt not to be welcome on Day 1, there are too many reasons to list that that sentiment might be unfair or self centered. PPs have covered that. 

    Post # 149
    Member
    13955 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    View original reply
    @overthehorizon:  It’s one thing if you were local and could quarantine, or limit risky activities for a period, then test ahead of a brief visit to your sisters’ new babies. But I don’t know why or how you can take Covid seriously for Italy but are OK flying to see not one but two unvaccinated newborns.

    The wedding sounds like it is not only being held during Covid but may be a destination affair. That is a big ask in a normal climate. I would not typically see anything wrong in these circumstances with letting your wife go alone, BUT I don’t know how you could then possibly justify traveling to see the babies. 

    If it wasn’t for these issues the wedding would absolutely take priority. It happens on one day and time and unlike meeting the babies you only have one chance to attend. 

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