- 3 weeks ago
Regular Bee going anon for this.
We got engaged recently, but before that we did have some issues. The biggest one is that he was in contact with an ex and I saw the messages on his phone. Now, there was nothing blatantly sexual or romantic in the messages, but it was enough to make me uncomfortable. Like talking about meeting up (without me knowing), random pics back and forth, a few songs from youtube back and forth, etc. Nothing that outright said it would be a hookup or anything, but certainly boundary crossing. Yes, I looked at his phone, because he was acting weird and I was suspicious after seeing a lot of messages from a strange number on the phone bills. I don’t regret my decision. Anyway, I confronted him and he admitted that it went too far and said he was sorry and would cut contact. We moved on. But then later I found out he had been messaging her from a chat app instead because he told her to message him there instead of through text because I could see it on the bill. I confronted him again and he apologized saying he wanted to keep her as a friend but didn’t want me freaking out over it, so he asked her to message him there instead. He said again that he would stop talking to her and we moved on again. Nothing happened for a few months and we got engaged and things seemed to be going so great.
Well then I was looking over our phone bill for this month and last month because something felt off to me over the past few weeks. I can’t explain it really, but I just felt like I should look. Well, there was her number again, not as many texts and no phone calls this time, but still, they have been communicating over text again. From the bill, it looks like she texted him multiple times and he responded with single texts each time and then nothing for a while. So maybe he is just being polite in responding to her, I don’t know. He knows I can see who texts him very easily and he’s not dumb so he must know I could see this! But the thing is, the way I found out who she was the first time was by searching her number on facebook and her name came up with the number. Well, now her name no longer comes up with that number but I had the number saved on my laptop so I know it’s the same number. I don’t know, it almost feels like she purposely made it not public on facebook so I wouldn’t know it’s her? I know this makes me sound crazy but whatever. I needed to know and I did my research because I felt like I couldn’t trust him to be honest with me since when I asked about the number the first time I ever saw it he just said it was an old friend and they had been catching up but he accidentally deleted the messages or he would show me. This was before I ever saw the messages he didn’t delete later.
Anyway, I know they have communicated over text and that makes me think they never stopped communicating, which means he lied to me more than once. The first time when I saw the messages and he said he’d cut contact and the second time when I found out he asked her to message him on a chat app instead, which was even worse. And now they’re back to text where I can see they’re texting! I don’t understand it at all but I’m shaking.
So, here’s my question – should I look at his phone and see if there are messages there (if he didn’t delete them), so I have proof if there is any that he’s up to no good (and so he doesn’t tell me I didn’t see what I know I saw, like he did last time), Or should I just ask him why they are talking again and tell him I know? On one hand I want to know what’s happening without him having the opportunity to delete anything or backtrack, but on the other hand, I’m hoping there is an explanation of some sort. Also, I really don’t want to be the girl that just snoops all the time! To be fair, he has access to everything on my phone or tablet whenever he wants.
Should I look at the phone, or confront him? And to be clear, the only way I’m not walking out for good over this is if I see messages that are nothing more than him telling her that he is engaged and no longer wishes to hear from her, which I seriously doubt I will find. There were at least five messages from him and that message would only take exactly one.