Post # 1
Hey everyone, I’m new here but I’m in desperate need of advice! I’m 9 years older than my fiance who treats me very well. He has an awesome heart, loves me, respects me, trusts me… I’m a lucky girl, I am his everything :). However, there is a problem & its that he isn’t financially stable. I don’t believe he is going to be able to provide for me financially because he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t have a job, but his family gives him money for school, & when he gets money, he spends it. He’s never lived on his own. He has some past debt that he’s working on paying off, which is why he’s not really saving anything. Other than finances, he’s amazing. He supports me emotionally in every thing I do, always encourages me. Never puts me down. We practically finish each others sentances :).
I know he’s made sacrifices & done without some things, but he’s always wanting to buy small unnecessary things. I have a good job, & can afford to pay for our smallish wedding myself (or at least very close to it), but its still going to be hard.
We were having a short engagement, engaged Christmas & planning for an end of May/ early June wedding. We live a few hours apart, so that makes things harder. Honestly, I don’t care if he’s rich or if he’s poor… but I do care that he’s not able to provide for me.
Is my concern legit? I feel kinda like a jerk, I know it’ll really really hurt him if I postpone the wedding. How long should I postpone it for? Should I call it off? I don NOT want to break up with him, we are perfect together. Any advice?
Post # 3
When you say provide for you, what do you mean? What is he going to school for?
Post # 4
That’s so hard. You said you’re 9 years older, but I’m curious, how old is he?
Post # 5
Your concerns are definitely legit. No need to feel bad because you want a stable financial life after marriage. I say postpone the wedding until you 2 have seriously sat down and talked about finances. What are his plans — job wise & money wise? My fiance and I had the “money talk”. We literally showed each other our bank statements and loan balance statements. We have the same attitude w/ money. (We’re savers & want to pay for everything in cash. Save for my condo, we don’t have any debt.) As a result, we felt we could breathe easier after our “financial planning”. We talked about how liberating it was to be totally open & honest w/ each other about money. Better to know now than find out AFTER marriage that you will be carrying him and his financial burdens. Maybe I’ve read too much Suze Orman financial books but I always believed that love does NOT conquer all. One has to be practical also to have a happy & secure married life.
Post # 6
I would also like to know how old he is. If he is really young and hasn’t finished school yet, he really hasn’t had an opportunity to explore his options. And I don’t understand the “provide for” either. Are you planning to quit your job and have him support you?
Post # 7
I second hazel, love does not conquer all. If you have serious doubts about his financial maturity, I would probably wait.
Are you planning on moving him to where you are? Will he drop out of school? What are the current plans?
Post # 8
I think we are in pretty much the same situation. Me and my Fiance are the same age, but I live on my own and have a pretty good job while he still lives in the house he grew up in (but now is there by himself) and is working part time doing school part time. We also live a few hrs apart He still has at least 3 yrs left of school and is also working to pay off previous debt. Him not being financially independent was a huge issue for him before we got engaged and I was the one who had to repeatedly reassure him I was fine with it. I know that I will be the one providing for the first few years of our marriage but I am completely ok with that. Yes, we may not be able to afford every luxury because there will not be 2 incomes but I am willing to sacrifice that. You just have to ask yourself if being with him is enough and if you are ok with providing for him until he is done with school. I also know that I will go back for a masters at some point and then he will be the one providing while I am in school. If this is an issue now, I really suggest you guys talk it out. You dont want it to become a My money/your money issue when you are married and have him feel like he can never spend money if it is available ( unless you wanted to do separate bank accts.). I know that I simply cant wait to be with him day and night and for me that trumps all money issues.
Post # 9
I echo the same questions that @noritake has. Please let us know…
I think your concerns are valid, but, unless your Fiance won’t talk to you about money or avoids the concerns, I don’t see why you have to postpone your wedding…I think you just REALLY need to talk about finances & share your concerns with him. If he is VERY young, then he may not KNOW that you have concerns or that his behavior is concerning…he just doesn’t have that experience because he hasn’t lived long enough. If THAT is the concern (that he hasn’t experienced enough for you to be sure of him as a husband) than THAT is a strong enough concern to talk about taking some time.
Do you have a financial plan that you’d like him to follow or are you expecting your future husband (whether that’s your Fiance or someone else) to already have a plan of his own that you’ll fit into? I think these are the questions you need to ask yourself & then you’ll have your answer about whether you should postpone your wedding…
Post # 10
Talk about fast advice! You already 6 posts in 15 minutes 🙂
Do you have anyone close to you that knows your situation? It sounds like you could really use some insight from the people around you who know your situation a little better…but I’m happy to help from what I know.
Are you currently in marriage counseling or considering a financial counselor? I def agree with hiker girl that talking about money issues NOW is a must, having an expert might put your mind at ease!
As long as your on the same page with future financial decisions, I think that being young and in school isn’t that big of an issue. My Fiance is taking care of me while I’m finishing pharmacy school, it’s just part of making sacrifices for each other!
Have you set a wedding budget based on prices from vendors in your area? I know my “smallish” wedding ended up being 20K….so know your limits and figure out if you can afford it.
How much money have you set aside for the wedding? If you are financing your wedding via loans I would really suggest waiting. Save up for a few months or even a year or wait til off-season when everything is cheaper. Marriage is hard enough, and financial stress only adds to it esp if he can’t help much right now.
How far are you in wedding planning? Made any deposits or sent save the dates? If not, postponing is a much easier decision if thats what you choose.
Post # 11
Whether you postpone/cancel the wedding is a decision that you must make all by yourself, no one can make that decision for you. But I can offer you my take, which is that one of the biggest reason for fights/divorces is finance. It is natural for women to seek out men who can provide for them. His age and your age is irrelevant, what is at issue here is responsibility, is he responsible enough to handle marriage? Will he resent you someday for make more money than he does? Will you start to resent him for always have to take on financial responsibility? Will you get tired of always giving up one more thing just so that he can splurge on unnecessary items that he/you can live without? How he treat you and love you aside, is he a man of his word? Does he tell you one thing and does another? Does he promise you to save up or to take care of a debt that he has… but you don’t see him do anything about it?? Those are more of a red flag in my opinion as to whether you will have problems in the future. Just food for thought for you.
Post # 12
Maybe the two of you should go to a financial advisor so that you can figure out a plan for your future when he starts working. Because of the slow job market, he might not find a job right away but since you have a job, I don’t see why that is a problem. My parents paid for my tuition too but that doesn’t automatically make someone bad with money.Are you planning on having children soon and quitting your job? I’m not sure why you keep bringing up him supporting you when you already have a job. That being said I think that the two of you should wait until your financial cards are in order before getting married since security is very important to you.
Post # 13
Yes it does not matter if he is rich or poor but you say his family pays for his school…does he have any money going to his debt?remember when you become married his debt is now also yours. you have to take into consideration he never lived on his own has no regard for money and while im sure he is a great person and i have no doubt you love him and you dont sound like a jerk it just seems like their is a lot of things he need to overcome before making a major commitment like marriage.
Post # 14
One of the top reasons cited for divorce is MONEY. If this is an issue now, it probably always will be unless you face it head-on before the wedding. If not now, then when? Kudos to you for recognizing there may be a serious issue here.
The other ladies who posted have given some great and heartfelt advice. I very much like the idea of getting an opinion from a trusted friend. Also, a counselor, financial advisor or both can give you a more objective outlook….as well as some very valuable financial tips.
You would know best if his financial irresponsibility is due to immaturity that he’ll outgrow or if this is an inherent trait – not so likely to change. Perhaps his need to spend money on unecessary things is harmless (as long as it’s not making a big dent on your finances). But ask yourself; “Can I live with him exactly as-is, if he doesn’t change?”
Perhaps get started with a dialouge about what your financial dreams are for the future and hopefully he’ll chime in. Make things light-hearted and open at this point so he doesn’t feel under attack or like a child. That said, definitely postpone the wedding until you two are both on the same ground.
Post # 15
Am I seriously reading this right? …”He has an awesome heart, loves me, respects me, trusts me… I’m a lucky girl, I am his everything :). He has some past debt that he’s working on paying off, which is why he’s not really saving anything. However, there is a problem & its that he isn’t financially stable”He supports me emotionally in every thing I do, always encourages me. Never puts me down. We practically finish each others sentances 🙂
Deal with it or move on. I don’t mean to sound harsh bit if you need a “sugar daddy” this probably isn’t him. Personally I believe that its OK for the woman to make more than the man. If you have a man you love that treats you great what more is there? Maybe some financial counseling could help you out. Otherwise I don’t know what to say.
My (now husband) and I have had to make sacrifices and adjustments. That’s just the way it is. I have had “rich” boyfriends in the past and would never trade them for my husband. To me…I am a woman who doesn’t need a man to support her. JMO. I love him he treats me like a queen and I treat him like a king. That’s all that matters.
I would re-evaluate your priorities.
Post # 16
My partner is also quite a bit younger than me. I went extremely slowly with him because of that. I didn’t see any reason to rush. He finished college, got an early career job, and paid off his debts. We had to be mindful of our career gap. I’m still ahead of him career wise and may always be, but we’re really comfortable with that. He provides for me in the ways I need him to…
Only you can know if you are prepared for the challenges of an age gap marriage, but in my mind age gaps are a really good reason to take a long time and go really slowly. I could go into more detail, but you could PM if you have more questions.