(Closed) Help! Shower Etiquette. Hosttess asked for money.

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m so embarassed for you! Sorry, I don’t know what advice to give. I found myself in a similar situation and I’m still embarassed about it. I’ll just bump for you 🙂

Post # 4
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Oh how awkward. I would tell your friends you didn’t have anything to do with it — do you have a few close friends you could discuss this with and have them leak the information to your other friends, maybe? 

I’ll leave it to other bees to come up with some alternatives, I’m at a loss, but good luck! Don’t worry too much.

Post # 5
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@WhalesTail220:  WOW! I would personally call everyone and let them know you and your Fiance are paying for your wedding just fine. it was an issue of miscommunication between your host who wrote/sent the invitations and you, and you are sorry for any offense due to the way the invitations are written. Take responsibility for it, even though it is not entirely your responsibility, but apologize and reach out because this way you know the apology will be done right. Don’t leave it to the host to apologize because she might mess that up, too! It may be a lot of phone calls but make sure you speak with each person and do not leave it as a voicemail. I would call as opposed to writing another invitation or letter as your voice is more personal and honest for this type of thing. Keep the call short and say you are looking forward to seeing them at the end of your call. Be cheerful, be honest and move on. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would not be happy either.  I might reach out to friends that I really think would be offended, or like another poster said, talk to a couple close ones and get them to spread the word that this was NOT you.

Post # 8
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

oh no!!!! i’d be embarassed for sure! try talking to your guests before they come maybe?

Post # 9
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@WhalesTail220:  Woah.  Man…that is rough, to say the least.

I would definitely call people to let them know about the mistake (and that’s how I would bill it).  I would also let your SIL know that you’re going to do this before you start the calls.  Basically, I would say something like “I know that you meant well, but we really don’t need/want any help paying for the wedding.  I know that this was due to miscommunication.  I’m going to be calling guests to let them know.”  Focus on the facts; you don’t need help paying for the wedding…don’t tell people you’re upset.

I might let my friends and family know the truth privately, but the official messaging should be that you guys are fine, don’t need monetary help, and there was miscommunication with your SIL.

This is obviously something that is seen as “okay” with your FI’s family, which is why I would tread lightly.  You don’t want to be offensive, even though what she has done is offensive to you.  She clearly thinks that this is okay and she has the backing of your Future Mother-In-Law, so I definitely wouldn’t use words like “gauche”, “rude”, or “humiliated” (even though that’s exactly how I would feel too) when speaking with her.

Post # 10
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

People are going to think you wanted to do this…omg! I’m so embarassed for you.

Post # 11
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Wow! I am so sorry. I have a rock you can borrow to hide under LOL. I would just call the ten people who would be most offended by this and choose four good friends to spread the word that this was not your intention. I can’t believe she thought this was okay. I have seen requests for help with decorations for the wedding but never money!!! The shower where this did this, they requested all guests bring an old vintage book, hankie, furniture, knick knack kind of thing to decorate with. That was cool. I just raided Gram’s attic. I would have been mildly irritated to receive an invitation like the one she sent. Ask me to bring a dish for a potluck reception, fine! Ask me to fund your wedding, umm no.

But don’t stress this to much. It isn’t your fault. Just figure out who will be the most miffed and call to explain then spread the word thru friends. Big (((Hugs)))

Post # 11
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

@ArwenBride:  This is good advice. Future Sister-In-Law thinks she is doing you a favor so its important to remember that.

I would be horribly embarassed as well.

Post # 12
Member
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Yikes! So embarassing!

We went to a wedding last year where the groom sister threw them a shower and asked all of the bridal party to contribute $100 each for food/drinks, and then the rest went to the bride and groom. They also did a raffle where the bride and groom got to keep all of the ticket money–it was so odd…they were NOT paying for their own wedding!

Post # 13
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

How embarassing.  The good news about having someone else host a shower, is that any etiquette blunder committed by the hosts, is their error and doesn’t reflect on you.

That said, I would have a chat with Future Sister-In-Law about not disclosing your financial information ever, and probably would never tell her anything like that again.

I think it is ok to call up your guests and let them know of the miscommunication and to let them know that you do not require any money towards the wedding.  Unfortunately, you cannot unring a bell, and some guests may make interesting assumptions about your financial situation, and still contribute towards your wedding.  I think you would be ok to let them know that it isn’t needed, but if they insist you keep it, that you really must.

I’m sorry that this has happened.

Post # 14
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I wonder if I’m attending your wedding, I just received a shower invite that sounds alot like that, most likely not.

Just remember that people who love you know you and know what is in your heart!

Post # 15
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would definitely call guests and ask friends to spread the word. This is absolutely horrifying and embarrassing. I’d also have a serious chat with SIL about this too. I know she only meant well, but she did more harm than good in this case. Good luck.

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