(Closed) HELP: snooped through his wallet..unsure of what I found

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

How much was the amount on the bill?  Maybe the group was so large that it would have been to costly with all the alcohol and food to put it on one tab?  Or maybe they had to split into two different tables of people?  He could have been in charge of paying the bill for one of the tables and then being reimbursed from his friends…  Why don’t you tell him this bothers you (make up a reason that you would have found it though!) and talk through EVERYTHING because it doesn’t sound like it was completely resolved-and if you aren’t able to resolve things like this before being married, it won’t magically resolve itself after either, ya know?  I’d say that this is definitely an opportunity to build your communication. :))))

Post # 4
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

I think you should be up front with him that you were snooping, and you know it wasn’t right, but you’d like an explanation for the differing stories. Whatever you do, you need to ask him CALMLY and without accusation, and give him a chance to talk. 

Do you know the guys he was supposedly out with that night?  Are you sure that there was, indeed, an outing with other guys on both occasions?  If he is making a habit of telling you he’s going out with friends but you never hear anything else about these outings, it might be reason for concern. But it also might all be true — maybe the combination of being stressed with you being on his case about things in addition to work or whatever other stresses he has going on have just made him irritable. If this is the case, it’s still something to work on together so it doesn’t create larger problems further down the line in your marriage.

Whatever you do, I would just have an open conversation with him and not accuse him of anything. Let him talk and see where that takes you. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

To be honest, pizza, shots, and beers doesn’t sound like he was out with another woman.  It sounds like a guy out with his pals.  Maybe your guy didn’t have any cash, so he put another guy’s bill on his credit card to get a little cash.  I think the worst case scenario you’re looking at is that he spent more time in the strip club than he initially told you.  If that’s the issue, you both need to discuss what your boundaries are before he goes to another strip club, and make sure you’re on the same page.  If you had already agreed that strip clubs were off limits and he went anyway, that’s probably what you need to talk to him about.

Post # 6
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Maybe the time on the receipt was for when the order was placed at table #2?  Just a thought, I’ve never worked in a restaurant either or pay much attention to my own receipts so I really don’t know.

Post # 7
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Pizza, shots, and beers are a pretty standard guy’s night out.

No one has mentioned the snooping, so I thought I’d flag it. Every relationship has its own boundaries here. If my SO snooped through my wallet, I would probably be pretty upset?

Post # 8
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Um, I’d probably not mention the snooping, this will certainly set him off because you went looking for something and where there’s smoke you saw a fire.

He could have paid for a friends pizza and drinks before the strip club. There might have been 10 guys and they split into parties of 2. 

I’d lay off or perhaps discuss starting your premartial counseling..maybe even just getting books to read and share together. if he’s not interested I would then consider asking some deeper more difficult questions but DO NOT tell him you snooped.

Post # 9
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You snooped and now you are going to have to deal with what you found. I’m sorry, but you need to come clean and apologize for invading his privacy for no reason and ask him about what you found. He’s probably going to be pissed, but what can you do?

Honestly, if the bill was for pizza and beer, it’s probably guys or like the worst date ever {Sorry, couldn’t help it.}. Maybe a friend didn’t have the cash, so he paid for his part? Or maybe the waitress didn’t ring up the right number of people at the table since it was just pizza and drinks. She wouldn’t need a seat number for each entree that way.

As far as the strip club thing goes, you could be mad that he said he wouldn’t go and did, but you snooped through his stuff, so call it a day and move on.

You need to work on your trust issues with him. Is there a reason for you not to trust him? Does he lie to you? Has he cheated before? 

Post # 10
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee

Ugh….I just read this post out loud to my man and he said….Geez…he probably ordered a pizza with two toppings.
Seriously, I’ve never snooped through his wallet and he won’t go into my purse unless I ask him to grab my keys or cellphone. I think in this case you should be upfront with him, tell him you snooped, and ask him, he may not even remember. My guy’s wallet is always so stuffed full of receipts from work lunch, breakfast etc he doesn’t even know what half the stuff is when he cleans it out.

Post # 11
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2001

I wouldn’t be paranoid about the receipt from the restaurant. When you get a bill split, the bills go into numbers so thats what that meant. They could have also checked out with their server and moved to the bar or something.

Post # 12
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

I agree with the others. The bill doesn’t look like anything to worry about. What I’d worry about is whatever it is that caused you to feel like you need to snoop. What has he done to lose your trust? Is there more to the situation than what’s in your post, like something he’s done in the past? What’s up?

Post # 13
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I was a total snooper until I lost my cool over a number I found on his phone bill. He had made a couple hour long calls to a LD number… I thought it MUST have been another woman since he hates talking on the phone. So then I called the number. It was his college roommate. He then called me back & got my vm. He then called my Fiance and told him I was calling & joked if I was checking up on him. Oh my gosh… my Fiance was LIVID. He didn’t find it funny. At all.

Basically I got myself worked up in a tizzy over fantasy football. I made myself look like a complete crazy ass to the guys & I still get jokes thrown my way about being a "snooper"

Don’t do that to yourself or your Fiance. It’s always worse in your head. You either trust him or you don’t…

Post # 14
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I’ve put in my fair share of time as a server, and I can most likely put your mind at ease.

When there’s a large group of people, they tend to want their bills split up. So they’ll be listed under the same Table # on the computer, and then you have to split them up separately.

So as for the "Party #: 2", your FH was probably the second check listed under that table. Servers usually don’t indicate the # of people on a bill.

 

 

Post # 15
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Well.. to me pizza and shots/beers does not sound like a date. Also, he absolutely could have volunteered to pick up that portion of the bill (maybe it was an appetizer and a round of drinks) and therefore would have settled the bill way earlier than the night was over. Or if he got there first with one of the guys, he probably just picked up their tab and that guy probably paid for his dinner or something like that. With a large group at a restaurant, anything can happen as far as ordering and splitting the bill so I wouldn’t be too worried about that.

If I were you, I would find a clever way to ask him what he ate at the restaurant. Make a date with one of your girlfriends there and ask him how his experience was. Ask him questions like: What did you guys have? Did they give you problems splitting the check? Any good appetizers you would recommend? Etc.

And as far as the strip club goes, unfortunately most guys (not EVERY guy, but most) goes to strip clubs in a social situation especially when it’s a bachelor party atmosphere. I completely understand your hesitation about him going, but you don’t want to put him in a situation where he’s singled out amongst his friends and has to end the night early just because you’re uncomfortable. Wouldn’t it be better to show him that you trust him and let him go? That way he doesn’t have to lie to you, because unfortunatley it sounds like he’s going to go to the sc either way. It’s really not as big a deal as you think – I actually worry more about all the money that’s being wasted than the strippers themselves. Just something to think about, I know it’s easier said than done.

Communication is something every couple has to work on and there are always stumbling blocks along the way. Don’t expect it to happen overnight, but make sure you are paying attention to his needs and approaching him about issues in the right way.

Good luck and I’m sorry you are stressed out! 🙁

Post # 16
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I don’t think the receipt by itself sounds like a red flag. Even the fact that the time doesn’t match up – they could easily have been sitting around talking or finishing pitchers of beer after they paid the bill. 

I think the thing I would examine is this…you found something kind of ‘neutral’, and your immediate reaction was to be upset, worried, and suspicious. I hope that doesn’t sound harsh or judgemental, because that’s not what I intend at all. To my mind it is a little bit like an ink blot test though – you get an ambiguous scenario open to interpretation and see where you go with it. I would consider looking deeper into why this is, either through counseling or reflection. Are there other signs here that are making you suspicious? Are you feeling insecure in the relationship? I think it is worth examining.

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