- 3 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
Background: throughout wedding planning, MIL never seemed to listen to what I want, and was instead very interested in having things her way. Conversations would go like this:
MIL: What are your plans for [colors/flowers/music/food/etc]?
Me: FI and I are really excited to do [A]!
MIL: Oh really? Why don’t you do [B]? I like [B] better.
Me: Well FI and I have thought about it a lot and we have our hearts set on [A].
Next time I see her:
MIL: So did you decide to do [B]? I really think [B] a better idea than [A].
Me: Nope, we still want to do [A].
And this would basically continue every time I saw or spoke to her–no matter what aspect of the wedding we discussed it was like she would just ignore whatever I told her we wanted and just keep insisting we do things her way! This hurt because it felt like she didn’t actually care about whether I’m happy. So many of my friends and family really supported us and worked really hard to help us create the wedding *we* wanted–it showed me who really is there for us, who really cares about whether we are happy.
Anyways, this is all leading up to something that happened the day of the wedding that I’m feeling guilty about. That morning I found out MIL is going to surprise us by throwing flower petals for the ceremony. The problem is that our contract with the venue forbids this because it’s a big mess for them to clean up. But what really bothered me is that she was going to do this without asking me. I know this sounds irrational and honestly this was my most shameful bridezilla moment. If I put myself in her shoes now in retrospect, she just wanted to do something sweet and intended it to be a nice gesture. But with the history I’ve had with her, I couldn’t help but feel like her not asking me was a lack of consideration for my wishes–a continuation of the pattern of her disregarding what I think and just going ahead with whatever she wanted. My Aunt, fiercely loyal to me, saw my baffled reaction upon hearing about MIL’s petal plans, and swiftly pulled MIL aside and convinced her not to go through with it. I heard afterwards that MIL was crushed by this. And this left me feeling really guilty–I know I over-reacted and was too sensitive and ended up hurting her feelings.
But it gets worse. This past weekend, we saw his parents for the first time after the wedding (the wedding was 3 weeks ago). They came over to our house and we’re all having a good time talking and reminiscing about the wedding and telling stories from the honeymoon. I needed to grab something from our bedroom and that’s when I saw that they had put something on our bed: a plastic bag full of soggy rotting rose petals. WTH???? I just ignored it and continued on the rest of the day as if I hadn’t seen it. After they left I go back in the bedroom and the bag of petals is gone. They took it back home with them without saying anything to me about it.
I debated whether I should just forget about it and never mention it again but the whole thing just seemed so passive-aggressive and was very confusing to me. So I decided to call her and clear the air about this whole flower petal thing, I explained to her that throwing petals isn’t allowed at the venue and also that I wished she had asked me first. She said she had made arrangements with the venue for them to allow it and that she didn’t think it was a big deal to have to ask me. In the end she apologized and said she just wanted to forget about it and move forward–but I could tell that she was still very confused and hurt, and she probably thinks I’m a crazy person.
What would you have done? Was I a total bridezilla?
I want to have a good relationship with her. How do I stop holding this irrational grudge towards her? I feel like I interpret her every move as a malicious attack against me. It’s easy to recognize in retrospect, but in the moment I don’t realize it.
I’m also a little worried about the future because I would appreciate her respect of our decisions on things like our future house and babies. I imagine going through the exact same conversations as we did for the wedding: “I really don’t like the name you want to name your baby. I think this other name is better. Have you thought about changing your mind?” … Is it important for me to express my feelings now, or should I cross that bridge when I come to it?