Post # 1
So I posted on this subject yesterday but was a little wound up at the time so it was a monumental essay, I’m not suprised no-one could face reading it all!
Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/vent-fis-family-making-wedding-planning-a-drama/#ixzz3G0eUlxec
I’ve calmed down now and would appreciate some perspectives on the current situation and how we should handle it. To abbreviate the history FIs sister has caused quite a few issues since we got engaged and we’ve both been increasingly upset by her behaviour. Most recently last night she mentioned to him that she has decided she might not stay in the apartment we have booked for the wedding party
We booked this apartment at the same time as the venue, its beautiful and right on site. The idea was that all family and wedding party would be together for the weekend of the wedding, we thought we were doing a nice thing. Everyone needs to contribute to the cost, unfortunately we cant afford to cover it, but divide the cost per room and it works out cheaper per night than a middle of the road B&B. We showed everyone the details (and the price) back in January and they all said great. We have 5 children staying there so we have also booked a child-minder, at our own expense, to sit there for the evening so all the parents can enjoy the reception.
Now FIs sister has said she has found an apartment locally that works out cheaper and is thinking that they (her, her husband and thier two children one of which is a flower girl) might stay there instead. If they do this it means that we will have to cover the cost of thier, now empty, suite (as they have 2 children we gave them one of the 3 larger suites in the apartment). Thats not really the issue though, its more the idea that she doesn’t want to stay with us in the family accommodation and that feels like a slap in the face. Her reason (excuse) is that shes worried one of the children might spill something down my dress the morning of the wedding. The real reason is that its cheaper for her and, in my opinion, shes now just looking to be hurtful
We are both so hurt and angry about this, how would you handle it?
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Post # 2
Steph77: I would let it go. I understand it sucks that they went back on their word (that they’d stay in the apartment with everyone), but you can’t force her to stay with you. But apart from going back on her word, I don’t she’s done anything wrong. Some people prefer privacy to being in close quarters with extended family.
Post # 3
aussiemum1248: Thanks for your viewpoint and I agree that theres really no option other than to let it go. To clarify though this isn’t a privacy issue as everyone in the apartment knows each other and they live in and out of each others pockets (and houses). FIs sister has known the plans and the price since January and had plenty of oppertunities to excuse herself if she wasn’t comfortable, shes doing it now at a point when the only other people we would have invited have booked alternative accommodation, she knows this
Post # 4
Steph77: Ugh, she’s being very inconsiderate given that she knew the deal for quite a while and told you they were in. You know it, she knows it, everyone probably knows it… but what difference does that make for you at the end of the day? Probably none.
In regards to your actual question of how to handle it: I don’t think you have much choice. Forcing the four of them to stay in the apartment (such as by saying that you expect them to pay for the suite no matter what since they committed in January) would likely just make things uncomfortable and cause more drama than it is worth.
At the end of the day you want the morning of your wedding to be calm and happy. As irritating as this is, maybe it will work out for the best if it means you can escape any last minute Future Sister-In-Law drama. Also, if she can’t commit do ensuring her kids won’t spill something down your dress (I mean, I know accidents can always happen, but that’s a very specific thing to be worried you can’t prevent with some adequate supervision!) then it might be a stress you don’t need.
I would encourage you to feel the irritation for a few days, then try to shake it off and move on to more important and happier things. Sorry, and good luck!
Post # 5
Steph77: Oh, and by the way, I would totally use every square inch of the spare suite to indulge my every possible wedding preparation whim. I would lay out my shoes, jewellery, and undergarments in one room, then set up another as an aromatherapy meditation zone and, if there was any more space, reserve an area for naked-holy-s***-I’m-about-to-get-married last minute naked dancing to burn off nervous energy. But that’s just me 😉
Post # 6
Miss_Mae: LOL, thanks for that, you really made me smile
Post # 7
Steph77: Offer her to cover the difference between the accomodation she found and the one of yours. it will:
1) cost you less than having to pay the whole apartment cost yourself
2)deprive her of the cost excuse
Post # 8
While I agree that she’s being a pain in the arse and should have said ‘no’ to the apartment a heck of a lot earlier, I can see it from the other side.
My FI’s cousin got married a couple of months ago. Only Fiance attended as we just couldn’t afford for me to go – I’m currently not working, so Fiance would have had to cover all my expenses. He was willing to do so, but I wasn’t.
FI’s parents insisted that he stay at the same hotel as them. Even though they all live in the same city, albeit about 20 miles away from the wedding location. His room for the night, in a very standard chain hotel, cost £200! What made it worse is that the wedding ended early in the evening, he could have easily got public transport back to where he lives!
Fiance is up to his eyes in debt. To me, that was a terrible waste of money. Nearly the equivalent in what I get to live on for a month. Mine and FI’s finances are somewhat blended, as we’ve been together for over 5 years. I’m still livid when I think about that waste of money…
I understand why you are upset. Miss_Mae is right though, ignore her and look at all the positives.
Post # 9
You can’t book accommodations for someone else, force them to stay there, then make them pay the bill. You simply cannot spend someone else’s money on something YOU want. If your Future Sister-In-Law has found cheaper accommodations and she is paying, then she should be able to stay anywhere she wants. It’s awfully presumptuous of you to tell certaim guests: you MUST stay in a hotel for this exact length of time, you get NO choice in where you will be staying, and here is a bill for you as well, now enjoy it!
Post # 10
Horseradish: To clarify we have not forced anyone to do anything and this is not a selfish thing that ‘WE want. When we viewed the venue the apartment was available and we thought it was a good option for everyone as it is conveniently onsite and reasonably priced. We brought home the brochure, with price details, and asked people how they felt about it. At that point my Future Sister-In-Law, along with everyone else, said that it looked great. Once, and only once, they had given us the OK we went ahead and placed a deposit.
Post # 11
Baal: I’m sorry to hear about your experience, that sounds pretty unfair. Our situation is different in that we have never insisted on anything and the pricing is not unreasonable as it seems it was for your Fiance. Also … and I am sure that some bees will jump down my throat for mentioning this, so to preface I know thier money is not mine to spend …Future Sister-In-Law and her husband are not not struggling financially and this would not impose the kind of financial pressures on them that you describe in your situation.
As you say though at this point we can only really look to the positives
Post # 12
Steph77: This sounds exactly like something my sister in law would do. Honestly, it sounds like she wants attention and she wants you to beg her to please stay, or she’s just attempting to make things difficult for you. I would just say, “Okay! No problem” and drop it. Then maybe discuss how much fun staying in the house was in front of her, lol.
Post # 13
weatherbug: I agree, the more I think about it thats the only way to handle this. Its just so upsetting is to see my Fiance so upset and deflated. Its been one stupid, petty thing after another with Future Sister-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law. Hes a good man, things aren’t easy for him right now and he doesn’t need this
Post # 14
Steph77: When we viewed the venue the apartment was available and we thought it was a good option for everyone as it is conveniently onsite and reasonably priced.
It sounds like YOU thought it was a good idea. But it isn’t only about what you think/want. She doesn’t share your enthusiam for the idea, and since it’s her money that is really all that matters.
Initially it may have sounded like an ok idea to her. But she’s now found something better (to her). You made this suggestion and they have decided to go another way. There is nothing you should be upset about. If you really want her there, then either pay her share or at least the difference between the two places.
I totally appreciate her side of it, so that may be clouding my judgement. But the idea of staying with all those people in one place is a nightmare to me. Having to get up and “be on”, not being able to totally relax, always feeling like you have to help out and tidy up etc.
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Post # 15
You can’t force her into anything but at least this will reveal the actual reason she doesn’t want to be there. If she still doesn’t want to stay at the apartment you’ve booked, let it go. There are many worse things that could happen.