- 1 year ago
- Wedding: August 2015
This is long I’m sorry..
So, I am not married. My fiance and myself have been together for almost 4 years now. I am just not sure what to do anymore. Everything is my fault in his eyes and I am tired of being put down, not heard and feeling crazy but I am also stupidly in love him. I will start from the beginning.
-I know that I have my wrongdoings as well and I have no shame to admit them.
when him and I first met things were awesome, sex was awesome and it was all normal honeymoon stage lovey nonsense.
He was finishing up a divorce when I met him. Which I didn’t not know about til later due to the fact that she was still pregnant with his twins.. went through my fair share of drama with all of that mess, shut down social media, switched jobs, etc.
About 2-3 months in I would try to have sex with him and he would turn me down time after time.. and finally he told me he didn’t want to because he thought he had gotten something from his ex.. (mind you we have been having sex the whole time)
So I made an appointment for both of us to go get tested and nothing.. I make more attempts to try to have sex and nothing.
Finally, his career change. He was a welder making $340 (mind you this is not after child support on two babies were taken out) a week, he talked about doing something better for himself constantly but did absolutely nothing for himself. (We moved in together kinda fast, which was not an issue til we left) We lived extremely close to his mother. (Mistake, He has a whole family of procrastinators) He talked about pipelining and traveling full time constantly but would never do anything. If he ever ran into issues he would run to mom and dad and they would fix it.. (I’m a shit or get off the pot kinda person) So I put my life on hold and pushed him to do better for himself and his children.. His mom and him loved that I did (at first)
He made some contacts and finally got his first job in Texas.. which was alright.. I was alone all of the time but waiting for him and continuing to push and support him..
A few states and jobs later I would try sexually and be spontaneous because he is and only in the bed kinda guy.. but he would not have it. I would try to have sex with him in random places (he would freak out) Getting him to make a move or touch me was awkward like he does not know what he is doing.. he will literally stop in the middle of sex pull out and want to have a discussion about how I want it, get off and he is done..
We bought an RV not long after.. we were saving money with RV parks instead of hotels and we were going and seeing new things and going on dates … things were great…. NO!! I went out and worked with the company he worked for for about a month and the guys would always make comments to me about how I would never sleep with him and how I was a prude and everything else.. the man literally bad mouthed me to the guys he worked with.. so finally I quit. (On good terms with the owner)
-yes, I threw it in his face multiple times and blew up. I don’t normally put my sex life out there.. I think a lot of relationships should stay private especially about sex.
When I had worked there I had gotten a tick and got Lymes disease and around the same time I started having issues with my endometriosis. By this point he would come home and say absolutely nothing to me.. he would not take a shower but instead keep his muddy ass clothes on, take his stinky ass boots off and sit in the recliner and play on his phone all night.. this went on for months.. it would take me to lose my absolute mind on him for him to talk to me.. because at this point I made him let me get a dog so I wasn’t alone, he made it clear that his family at this point hated me and I was alienated from my family at this point.
-he would talk to his mother on his way home from work and hang up as soon as he pulled up to the RV. -if you have stayed in an RV, you know that you can hear the vehicle phone Bluetooth (whatever you wanna call it) then he would come in and do the same routine..
When we started traveling I somehow took the role of his mom, I had to remind him to take a shower, brush his teeth, not sleep in his work clothes, etc.
while he would shut down he would finally try to have sex with me.. I did at first but he still would not say anything to me so I finally started turning him down for that reason and because I finally gave up on the hygiene fight.
Finally I told him I was done and I could not be alone out on the road anymore and not doing absolutely anything with myself.. at this point I was an absolute waste of space.. he cried and begged me to stay and said he would try to talk to me more and try for hygiene.. conversation lasted maybe a week and hygiene well the only thing that he did was took a shower.. and I packed my stuff and was leaving. Only 4 hours from my family’s home I was ready and once again he cried and asked me to stay.. you know the normal..
Things this time were better for a while longer.. we bought a bigger RV because he let me get a cat since I already have the dog. At this point he is letting me get animals so I guess I don’t notice him on his phone doing nothing but playing games.. I tried to initiate sex and the same as before he would stop completely and want to have a conversation about how to have sex.. -bad I know but one night after months of fighting about it (because I’m not all about just missionary and slow sex.. js because he was) so I got some pot and he actually had rough sex with me it took me to get him high to have good sex in bed of course.. but that was the last time we have had sex. That’s was a year and a half ago.
-I am wrong for this I know.. but I picked up his phone one night because the man does not wake up to alarm clocks and I had absolutely nothing else to do so I would stay up to make sure that he was able to wake up and what not for work.. and his mother is telling him that I do nothing must spend his money.. -his first job in Texas he decided it was a good idea to take a truck that he did not even owe a thousand on and trade it for a F250 King Ranch $60,000 truck with a $702 monthly payment on and insurance was outrageous. Oh and it had bad tires when he bought it.. so we had to replace those as well.. $900 rent in Texas, hotels, campground rent, traveling 12+ For a job in a diesel, etc.
-by the way, yes I told him I went through his phone.. I was hurt
so after a few weeks of thinking about I then decided it was time for me to finally do something for myself because once again I was nothing but a waste of space doing absolutely nothing with myself.. I followed, pushed and mothered this man for 2 years already. So that is what I did, I have been in Indiana for a year and a half now, I go to school and I have work for the state the whole entire time. (He is from Arkansas, I am to but I went back and forth my whole life and Indiana is home)
I came home we got me a car, payments but I pay them.. the car is unfortunately in his name. I bought us a house, he got laid off of work and helped me move things.. when it came time to remodel he took off again.. i remodeled the whole house by myself and Pinterest of course.. he came home for last Christmas and yes once again picked up his phone and he was telling his family that I was missing him probably because I wanted him to take care of some project around the house.. the whole entire time the man would not kiss me, hug me or anything -I didn’t mind the no kissing thing because I am a germ freak and he quit brushing his teeth (his mom made him brush them when him and I met I’m assuming) -I have begged and pleaded in the past that he changed this habit so it’s not anything new.. but he runs and tells his mommy that I am cold.
Leaves back out on the road and nothing..
Recently.. (all week long)
he has thrown it in my face every single time we fight about me threatening to leave when he shut me out but refuses to admit his wrong in it because he was raised in a close minded family where women’s opinions do not matter.. which he used to be different (I’m very opinionated)
well Wednesday’s I get paid.. we have discussed me getting a laptop for months, since I have been using the computer at work to complete classes. So last Wednesday I got paid and went to Office Depot and bought a laptop for $400 off for some sale they were having.. he gets paid on fridays (roughly $2200 a week) he pays rent there since winter months he cannot take the RV, pays his truck payment and I had paid my car payment that Wednesday which didn’t clear til Friday and I got some clothes for the first time since I started losing weight $140 (20 lbs since January, my clothes were falling off) .. -he screwed up his account when he got that truck. So I like a dummy added him onto my account.. I have another one that I put money back for when he is laid off..
He emails me Monday telling me how shitty I am with money and that I needed to make it right.. and how he was just ready to up and leave me over this and just block me off of everything (he is out on the road so cowards way out) and never say anything else to me.. he told me constantly I would have to fix it.. so the money that I had in my savings at that point became a car fund to not have him dangle that over me since we still owe on it.. well two days he pointed out how I was such a bad person because I never tried to have sex with him, I would always turn him down, we never went on dates (going out to dinner was just food never a date – I tried to get him to go do things all of the time but he just wants to sit at home and play Xbox) I would always try to leave him and how he had no money because of me..
-literally the only thing I do is go to work, do school work, get groceries and food for my dog and cat.. well and of course bills but this is all with my money..
i begged while he talked to me worse than trash.. I finally said screw it and put everything including my taxes from the savings into the actual checking account since that was his main thing is he wanted that money.. the man sent me a lengthy email that said the following (copy & pasted):
Hey sweetheart. So to start with I love you. I apologize that I have been stuck in this rut. I’m sorry I haven’t listened to you and I’m sorry I made you feel unwanted. I want you baby. I know I have my flaws trust me I have plenty. I never said I was perfect. But you already know that. I am thankful that you have stayed a lesser woman would have already left. And you are beautiful. You also have issues but I love you still. I want to let you know that I will try, I want you I want to be with you. And above all else we make a good team when we are both in the same page. And yes I know that I failed in communicating what I want clearly. I needed to calm down first. I want you to try and I will try in all aspects. Not half but 100 percent. We will make it. And I want you to know that I am here to help 3 years hasn’t been wasted. And yes I know you’ll read this at work sorry it was so long. I love you email me back when you can I love you and I will talk to you when I get your email.
– I work at a prison and my phone is not to be on grounds.
he sent that to my email at 2 this morning.. every single conversation has been putting me down.. after he sent this email I called him to say thanks.. not calling out where he still went petty with it which I could have.. I’m doing my best to hold my inner bitch in I swear.. and this man I swear to god I spent two hours while I was at work on the phone with him listening to him put me down again for how I never tried in our relationship, how it’s my fault that we have no intimacy and how he was no fault for anything.. when I tell him my feelings he would disregard them completely and continue to go on.. finally told me that he was not attracted to me because I just have no facial reactions to him anymore and I won’t touch him or even attempt to kiss him.. (I probably don’t, and I finally told him you can spread infection through mouth bacteria, I brush my teeth 2-3 times a day depending if I eat at work) asked if I would flirt with him saying he would not think that he could and didn’t think that we would have sex ever again.. but wants to try to work things out.. I only wish I could make this stuff up.. I for some reason let him talk to me like the dirt below his feet and still begged to try to figure out a way to fix it.. he sees no issue where he has went wrong.. he did say he would work on his hygiene though.
But seriously.. should I even bother giving him this chance..? Or just call it a loss..? My aunt who raised me told me to regenerate the money back into my saving first but idk.. it’s a damned if I do and damned if I don’t situation.. but I have absolutely so idea..
If any of you have any advice that would be awesome I am open to any and all suggestions.. I have said some crappy things to him but I have never taken it as far as he has taken it this week.. and it was my paycheck that I had paid for things out of.. I’m tired of feeling like a horrible person but I also pushed to where he is at and he has become more of an asshole with the job so that part is my fault I guess.. i mean is it even worth it anymore.. He will not be back in town for another 6-7 months.