Help.. stuck between a rock and a hard place in my engagement

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@ mg2345   I was also confused by this?  Welders make way more money than that unless he works 1-2 days a week?

 

Either way just LEAVE.  It’s only been 2 years I think?  You could write a book on how miserable your life has been.  Why would you want a life of this?

Post # 19
Member
11369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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@ timberly90   

Oh, dear gawd, honey. Run. Go into a witness protection program. Go someplace where he can’t find you.

Brace yourself for quite the round of Oscar worthy performances designed to guilt you into staying/returning.  It will all be complete, total, 100%, unadulterated, no GMO, organic, USDA certified bullshit.  Not because he loves you.  I am very sorry, Bee, but this guy does not love you.  He is not capable of actual love.  That chip is missing.  It cannot be installed as an aftermarket add on.  He is what he is and always will be; a fully self actualized asshole.

Prepare for him to flip the switch and go from begging to rage mode in an eye blink.

The most disturbing part of your story is your comment about how you have mothered this guy.  Indeed, you have.  But, you are not his mother. Your role is partner, lover, best friend. Instead, you feel the need to mother him. This is a “you” problem, not a “him” problem.

For some reason, you believe you have both the power and the right to change another human. Truth: you have neither.

It is very unhealthy to enter or remain in a relationship with someone with a plan or expectation that they will change. It’s also  immoral. Everyone has an unassailable right to their own agency; we have free will. Each of us have to be allowed to walk our own paths.

You may believe that the way your stbx lives his life is asinine. It looks that way from here, too. But, it’s his life, his path. He has his own crap to work out. Or to choose not to work out.

He is not the issue here. What matters is what draws you to a person like this. He’s terrible.  He treats you like garbage. You buy him a truck and a house. You set about treating him like a reclamation project. Bee, this is not normal. You are hurting yourself over and over.

I find it interesting that you have chosen to work with a prison population; a place in which you are guaranteed to be disrespected.  That is you, not him who works at the prison, yes?

When you are ready to break out of this hell hole and change your patterns, I’m thinking you’re going to need some extra support along the way from a qualified therapist.

Post # 20
Member
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

He’s a loser, just leave already.

Post # 21
Member
7690 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
@ timberly90   but I am also stupidly in love him

Yes, stupid. There is a hella lot that doesn’t add up in your story. My advice? RUN as fast as you can from this POS. 

Post # 22
Member
5582 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

What are you getting out of staying in this dumpster fire? Seriously, something is keeping you here, what is it??

Once you figure out what that is, not only will you walk away from this guy, but you won’t walk right into a relationship with someone else just like him

Post # 23
Member
5582 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

You spent two hours of your work day on the phone with him??

He’s a man child but you are feeding right into it, you have some soul searching to do to find out why. Hopefully before you lose your job.

Post # 24
Bee
5287 posts
Bee Keeper

Yeah, you stupidly love him. Take away “ly love him”.

Post # 25
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Stop abusing yourself here.  That’s what I’m getting out of this post…..you reeaally hate you! You really want you to be miserable so you stay in the shittiest relationship ever so you can succeed right?

Post # 26
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

Forgive me if I misread this (it was quite a lot to take in and I’m sure I lost track of things a few times), but did you basically say he threw a giant fit about money, treated you like absolute garbage during that fit, and then once you gave him ALL the money you had set aside, sent you a sweet email about how he wants to work things out?

I mean, there is SO MUCH to unpack about this whole thing. There are SO MANY problems. But that little bit right there, if I read it correctly, speaks to exactly who this man is, hon. I’ll condense it for you:

As long as literally everything you do (including the money you earn) is about HIM and benefits HIM (but not you) in some way, he “loves” you. As soon as you make ANY move that isn’t all about HIM, he’s a total asshole again.

He doesn’t love you. Let me repeat that. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, BEE. All he cares about is what you can do for him, and his ability to control you.

Leave. Him. Immediately.

Cut ALL contact with him and his family. Change your number. Move somewhere he won’t find you. Don’t EVER look back.

Seriously.

Also, I agree with PP that you seriously need to get yourself into some therapy and work on why you have accepted this type of behavior and treatment for so long.

Post # 27
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee

 And you want to mary him because …………..he has such a charming personality and empathy for others and treats you so well?

I’d run so fast people would think a tornado just landed

Post # 28
Member
2706 posts
Sugar bee

Why on earth are you still with this mess of a human??? 

He’s mean, irresponsible, a liar, financially unstable, unhygenic, and the sex isn’t even good – in fact he won’t even touch you or talk to you. 

And the ex wife who was PREGNANT WITH TWINS that he didn’t tell you about? And him lying to your coworkers about you being a prude when he wouldn’t sleep with you? I just…

This guy has nothing going for him. I don’t care how much you think you love him, this is a disaster. Cut your losses. 

Post # 29
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee

Your relationship:

– Everything is your fault
– he puts you down constantly (emotional abuse, hello)
– lied to you about his divorce
– refuses to have sex with you at first
– won’t take care of basic hygiene (seriously, how gross is that)
– he tells your coworkers that you won’t have sex with him and they all harrass you until you quit!!!!
– he plays on his phone all night and doesn’t talk to you
– tells you his family hates you
– terrible sex for years then no sex for over a year!!!
– terrible with money
– badmouths you to his family
– thinks womens opinions don’t matter
– he throws a fit over you giving him money and says terrible things to you, but when you give in now he loves you???
– berates you while you are at work
– says he isn’t attracted to you anymore
– HE ISN’T EVEN IN TOWN FOR MONTHS

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BEE? Where in all of this mess is there even anything remotely good? You already know this man and this relationship are a dumpster fire. You already know you need to leave. Give him a chance? FOR WHAT. This isn’t even a relationship. Take the dog and the cat, go back home. Get a therapist to figure out how you could live with the above and think it’s remotely ok. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS TRASH. 

Post # 30
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@ timberly90   I wouldnt even call it a loss….bee, I would break up with him and call it a win. seriously, wth…

This boy is just bringing your life down. Mentally, emotinally, financially, etc…

I began writing a longer reply on here and deleted everything bc I know you wont read it or at least take it into deep consideration, and then I retyped it and deleted. So here I am, with this post. 

Please, just, listen to your brain. 

xoxo

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