- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
Agreed 100% with PPs who feel your issue is not with being a step mother, but with your Fiance having a child with another woman. I come from a blended family and am now a step mother myself. It can be a bit tricky at times, but if executed in a healthy manner, the child can benefit greatly from it.
I have two dads (step and ‘real’), and think of them both as my father. My step dad has been married to my mom since I was 4, so he’s been around a long time and we have a wonderful relationship! He even got ordained to marry DH and I. I also have a fabulous relationship with my real dad as well. I feel like our situation has helped me so much in life, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Now, a step-parent myself, I LOVE it! And I never even WANTED kids! lol But I digress. Anyway, it was difficult at first to navigate the situation with the kids mother (for both Mom and DH) because no one really knew how to act. Since I grew up in a blended family that did everything together I just assumed this is how it would be now. We didn’t do separate birthdays/holidays in my family, my dad and step dad got along fine. But I forgot that it took some time to get to that point. I was naturally a little rebuffed at first that DH and the mom didn’t just all want to be one big happy blended family, but when I realized that it would just take some time I stepped back, gave them their space to “process” the new relationships and dynamics of everything and things just kinid of fell into place.
I was very clear with DH from day 1 that I won’t play any catty games with the mom if they arise, and I don’t want any drama started if she wants to play games. She doesn’t have to like me, but I made it clear that it’s in the kids best interest that we all get along like grownups. No talking bad about the other in front of the kids. She can hate my guts and make a voodoo doll out of me all day long, and I could care less, just don’t do it in front of the kiddos.
DH also has gone above and beyond to make me feel like I’m a parent to the children just as much as he is. When the biological parent feels this way, it makes the scenario better by leaps and bounds!
I apologize for the rambling nature of this, but just know that communication with your Fiance about this should happen sooner rather than later. Go ahead and get things out in the open (delicately) and tell him how you feel and get him to explain to you where he’s coming from. He may not be entirely sure how to handle this yet. Which is absolutely okay! You two just need to agree on what the end goals are. And I can’t say it enough…. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world that my family loved me enough to get along and get past their differences and I feel like I have one of the best support groups anyone could ever have! Give that gift to his little girl! =)