(Closed) *HELP!*–THE IDEA OF BECOMING A STEP MOTHER IS FREAKING ME OUT!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

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@MsJ2theZ:  +1 . I wouldn’t even say her problem is the kid’s mom as she doesn’t even know her basically. Her problem is her Fiance and how he’s handling or basically NOT handling issues. He needs to put his big boy pants and figure out the way things will work out from now on. For what I read you might be feeling uneasy because there is no transparency from him. Might be the case that you all three can work together in raising this baby. Might be the case where if mom is not up for it, you might have to let them as parents do things their way and while the girl is in your house then you get to, along with your Fiance do what needs to be done and do things the way you guys see fit. 

However, I want to point out that it takes more time for some people to move on. And maybe the baby’s mom is still struggling to come to terms that dad has moved on and is starting another family? You mention the baby is two. And you guys are engaged. We don’t know the details and if mom and dad were in a relationship or if it was more of a casual thing. But it might be the case she is still struggling to come to terms. And eventhough you probably had nothing to do with them not being together, she might deep inside still resent you if in her mind there was any hope of having a reconciliation or something. I don’t know. But if this is the case, it’s just probably a matter of time. She’ll eventually come to terms, move on and things could be pretty easy. Been there.

Post # 35
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Im going to give you the mothers point of view as my ex partner has a fiancee however we havent really had any issues.

 

As a mother it is very hard that another woman is in their childs life especially if its not been their choice. She may feel that your invading her role as a mother organising parties making her a party dress whilst thats lovely the mother may feel like you are trying to take over. I think you need to take a back seat. Your Fiance probably senses this and this why he never gave her the invite its nothing agaisnt you. If you dont have children of your own you wouldnt understand.  

 

The mother carried, give birth and nurtured that child and is the main carer. Its very easy for part time parents to have the best bits without rhe continual parenting that is required from the main carer, especially as the child will have a different sent of rules. As far as mother considered your probably over stepping the mark. Do nice things with her but try not to rub it in her face you may not realise you doing it.

 

 You’re FIs child should come first and you second. You were aware that he had a child when you two go together. If you cant handle it then you shouldnt be with him. The mother isnt really the issue. It’s he fact that he still has the connection with his ex as they have a child together. If they get on surely that’s best especially for the child.

Post # 36
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Im going to give you the mothers point of view as my ex partner has a fiancee however we havent really had any issues.

 

As a mother it is very hard that another woman is in their childs life especially if its not been their choice. She may feel that your invading her role as a mother organising parties making her a party dress whilst thats lovely the mother may feel like you are trying to take over. I think you need to take a back seat. Your Fiance probably senses this and this why he never gave her the invite its nothing agaisnt you. If you dont have children of your own you wouldnt understand.  

 

The mother carried, give birth and nurtured that child and is the main carer. Its very easy for part time parents to have the best bits without rhe continual parenting that is required from the main carer, especially as the child will have a different sent of rules. As far as mother considered your probably over stepping the mark. Do nice things with her but try not to rub it in her face you may not realise you doing it.

 

 You’re FIs child should come first and you second. You were aware that he had a child when you two go together. If you cant handle it then you shouldnt be with him. The mother isnt really the issue. It’s he fact that he still has the connection with his ex as they have a child together. If they get on surely that’s best especially for the child.

Post # 37
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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@Lala1234: The child should definitely come “first,” as it were, but your fiance doesn’t seem to realize that it’s in the child’s best interest for you to be an active coparent in this scenario. Honestly, I’m going to have to echo other bees’ opinions in saying that you haven’t been together very long and that you should absolutely work this out before even thinking about marriage. If you have a conservative family, undoubtedly they will frown upon divorce even more than they would frown upon a long courtship…and unless your fiance starts including you more in his relationship with his daughter and his ex, divorce is where you’ll be headed. You could try couple’s counseling to see if that opens him up, but the type of behavior he’s displaying here–keeping secrets from you for the sake of “keeping the peace,” not approaching you as the mother of his child, but as the stepmother–is very concerning at this stage of your relationship. Being a stepparent is already incredibly complicated, but if you and your husband aren’t on the same team, it will be impossible & extremely dysfunctional for the child, to boot.

Post # 38
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Im from the uk maybe we do things differently  here. I dont understand why do step parents need to be involved in coparenting with the parents?.The two parents should be able to co parent without their other partners getting involved especially if yous haven’t been together very long. I wouldnt want another woman telling me how to raise my child. Have your own rules in your house when the child visits but thats as far as it goes. Main decisions about the child should be made with the two parents not including partners.

 

My ex’s partner would never over step the mark or tell me what to do she doesnt even have my number and I don’t have hers. We dont need to communicate with one another. I speak directly to my ex my partner and his partner dont get involved its between us. There has never been any issues in regards to partners getting involved minus one disagreement.  We have no ill feelings to one another however we lead independent and seperate lives.

Post # 42
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Your forcing a relationship. You need to take a step down and back off in regards to the little one, of course this woman is jealsous its her daughter with another NEW woman is in her daughters life. You are the childs step mum if u marry the little girls father. You really shudnt be involved in the childs life it your relationship is new and is experiencing problems. Is she going to meet every gf her dad dates. YOU need to take a step back and allowed her dad to have a relationship with his daughter. You can tell by your attitude that you want to push the mother out. Regardless if you have kids in the future that little girl still has a mother and is in her life. You either accept it or move on either way your going to cause more arguments in the future. Why do u need to be there if she goes prom shopping is she not allowed moments like that to herself. If and only if it was the childs choice shud that happen. You may not agree with my post howver your feelings would change if you were to have kids of your own and in the same situation.  She doesnt have to be your friend shes not obliged to. Things may still be raw for her back off abit and dont rub it in her face woman especially can be very jealsous.

 

Post # 43
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Words can’t describe your comments. I best not comment further as the way your talking is insulting to the child’s mother. You feel like he cheated because ur partner had a child to someone else before he met u. Seriously??

The topic ‘*HELP!*–THE IDEA OF BECOMING A STEP MOTHER IS FREAKING ME OUT!’ is closed to new replies.

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