Help – the pandemic stalled my exciting new relationship

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
6915 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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@christine2727:  Okay there’s a lot to unpack here, but take out all the other stuff (and like I said, there’s A LOT) and just the fact that he’s almost 50 and he has NO SAVINGS at all and cannot afford to move out of his ex’s place? That is a huge glaring red flag for me. And that’s ignoring everything else. 

It sounds like you very recently went through a pretty bad divorce and you haven’t even known this guy very long. This isn’t worth it Bee. 

Post # 3
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

The fact that he is withdrawing does not sound promising at all. If that is the case, I probably would not push to hard.

Furthermore, the fact that he is nearing his 50s without financial stability would worry me too. Why is he not more financially stable, ignoring the current pandemic?

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@christine2727:  

ETA: Wait, NO savings?

Post # 4
Member
10352 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You guys were rebounds for one another. It was fun in the beginning but clearly he’s lost interest and doesn’t seem like he wants to pursue a relationship with you. And why do you want to settle for literally the first guy you’ve dated since your separation? 

You should set your sights higher than a 40 something scrub who has to be taken care of by his ex. A dick is a dick is a dick, make sure it’s attached to someone who can offer you something else besides good sex.

Post # 5
Member
444 posts
Helper bee

If this is the honeymoon phase of your relationship, then you are in for a whole world of crap when things get real.  You keep referring to him as sweet and kind, but from my read, I would say he is, at best, selectively sweet and kind, which is to say…..not so much. 

There are millions of better fish in the sea for you.  I would recommend taking some time for yourself for a while, mourn the loss of your marriage, and when you are ready to date, begin by setting some standards for yourself. 

Post # 6
Member
360 posts
Helper bee

Too soon for this.

Give yourself time from your divorce.

Meet someone else who you have a great connection with, and has a little more than nothing saved up by 50 years old. 

Dont begin a relationship with worry. love you!

Post # 8
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@christine2727:  Honestly, in the end I think the answers to these questions will not make a difference in the end, but

1. Has he ever been married?

2. He has no retirement money?

3. How long has he been in the workforce?

At the end of the day, his interest seems to have cooled off, but I don’t think it matters because financial irresponsibility at 50 is a no-go for me. Seems he is using his ex to take care of him financially.

Post # 9
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Does she just own the apartment and he rents from her or do they have a lease together? I’m assuming if she hasn’t been their this whole time she lives elsewhere or has multiple places? Givin his financial situation and you meeting her and all that, him living their wouldn’t really bother me. 

The financial insecurity at 50 is concerning unless there is a reasonable explanation. Divorce, alimony, child support, him supporting parents ect..

Not considering the financial or ex situation. I wouldn’t find it that odd that the transition to seeing each other was weird. He is highly stressed, it’s a stressful time in general and it’s always a transition to go from long distance to together, let alone 24/7 in the same apartment for a week.

H sometimes travels for work and it’s always a “transition” when he comes homes after being away for long periods. We get used to the long distance and are great at it and we are great at being together as well but those transitions going from one to the other are weird, every time! 

Post # 10
Member
13048 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Wow. Add me to the list of those saying to move on and set your standards higher. The fact that he’s got no savings at his age and is essentially being supported by and living with his ex, I don’t care how infrequently she’s there, would have been a deal breaker all by itself. The current behavior is another.

Post # 14
Member
3628 posts
Sugar bee

Sounds like it was a nice rebound relationship while it lasted and it’s time to move on.

 

Post # 15
Member
6915 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
@christine2727:  In the workforce 15 years and can’t save up enough to move out of your ex’s place? That’s ridiculous. All you need is like one month’s rent and a security deposit essentially. Even in high COL areas they have studio apartments, people looking for roommates, etc. It sounds like he’s just never tried to save any money, including in the last several months while you’ve been dating and he’s been split from his ex. If he was in his 20s…okay that’s one thing. But dude is about to be 50. NO. 

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