(Closed) HELP!! THE WEDDING IS CLOSE, SHOULD WE CALL IT OFF?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
933 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

From reading your post, my opinion is it would be premature to call off your wedding. it sounds like you have reasonable concerns, but also common concerns. I mean, it sucks to feel like you don’t have enough money, but itms not an unusual feeling, if you know what i mean.  the thing is, you sound really stressed. is there a way you could take a break from work and spend a nice relaxing time with your fiance, and see if you feel differently/  i also donmt understand why you went from full time work to part time work/ is your anticipated salary from a technicl job so different from what you were  making with a four yr degree/

Post # 4
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I think your top priority is to decide if you want to go back to your old job or not… would you really earn that much more with a technical degree? Is it worth it to you? Weigh up the pros and cons, and then decide.

After that, you need to tell your Fiance what you have decided. Explain your choice, and then say that you want to remain in the city for the following reasons. Back up your decision. If you can see yourself moving to the country in a few years time, tell him so, and also tell him what conditions you would want to move to the country under (would you move if he got a good job and you had to work less, for instance?). You then need to work out a financial plan for the next 5 years… it will put your mind at ease and make you feel more secure.

But no… as long as you are not having doubts about the groom, I see no reason why you should avoid marriage.

Post # 5
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Honestly, this response is probably not going to be popular, but I think that you should at least postpone the wedding.  I feel like oftentimes people want to think that love is enough but I think that if finances are this much of a concern to you now, it will only get worse as time progresses.  I have dated really kind, loving men with low income potential, but my husband (who I love dearly) is very financially stable and could more than support us and any number of kids we would have.  

It may not be popular to tell someone to use finances as one of the criteria for picking a partner, but let me tell you it is very comforting knowing that I don’t have to think about paying bills, spending money, etc.  For some people, this is not an issue, but it was for me and it seems like it is for you.  My husband is an amazing man and a wonderful person.  The financial stablily was only one aspect that completed the picture.  I am not saying that you should necessarily leave your Fiance – maybe just give the relationship a little more time and map out some financial goals together at least.

Post # 6
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@was420:  I do not think you are being selfish, I think you are being very rational actually.  But, I will say the comment about the size of the ring comes off as a little shallow – Love transcends material things in my opinion.  Past that though, if you are not financially able to provide for yourselves and each other, you should not get married.  Borrowing money from parents demonstrates that your financial house is not in order.  And if that’s the case, in my opinion, you should not be getting married.

Similarly, it sounds like you want different things.  And each of you may not be worth the sacrifice for what you each want.  You want your career in the city, he wants his job outside the city.  Something has got to give.  I think before you marry you need to know for certain that both of you will make those sacrifices for one another when push comes to shove.  I would move to Alaska if my Fiance had a better career opportunity out there.  No questions asked.

Finally, there is nothing wrong with valuing nice things (despite the ring comment).  If you imagined an upper-middle class life, big house, nice cars, for yourself, that is ok.  But, if he is happy with a comfortable lifestyle, making enough to get by, that’s also ok.  But when your values, your wants and needs, don’t correlate to your spouse, that can create problems.  

I imagine there are probably reasonable solutions to your current issue (i.e. where to live, money) that you might not have thought of if you are both being stubborn.  You will have more options though if you wait until you are financially sound.

Bottom line, you have to ask yourself – is he worth this sacrifice?  And he should be asking himself the same. 

Post # 7
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@JemmaWRX:  VERY good advice, In My Humble Opinion (esp. the last line).  If this is just a matter of better communication about what eachof you want and why, then it’s just something you two need to work out together.  However, life is very often a trade-off: most people don’t get everything they want all at that same time.  It really does come down to what is most important to you and what you’re willing to “let go of” to have something you value even more.

Post # 8
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012 - Watch tower lodge, Black hawk state Park Rock Island, IL

I think it would be a bit hasty to call off the wedding, the issues you are having are common and fixable. you need to sit down with your Fiance and have a heart to heart talk with him. point out the pros and cons of all the choices and make a decision that fits both of you, you may be surprised by his responses. but I think just canceling the whole thing is a bit rash. obviously you dont have any concerns about him or his character or integrity. you dont question if he loves you or if you love him. its true that love isnt enough , but if you really do love someone you make things work, and you work together to solve issues that arise. its sounds more like to me nerves are getting in the way of problem solving. if it helps seek out outside counseling for both of you to attend together, many churches and other places offer premarital counseling to help work through the bumps along the way and to help couples with these very same concerns.

Post # 9
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

Please call it off. Marriage is about sickness and health, rich or poor. Don’t marry him you are clearly unhappy with his financial situation and how much you would have to contribute. Go your separate ways so you both can find people you will be happy with.

And the girls on the waiting board would love to get a ring. No matter how small it is.

Post # 10
Member
4432 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

First off, that’s so great that you got a job offer that would offer such a great opportunity for your future!

Second, you are two months away and you are now noticing these differences? Have you both had a serious heart to heart with no interruption regarding this?  If not, I would say that would be your first step in trying to make this work before jumping to canceling a wedding.  

You need to both come to a compromise as this is what marriage is all about.  Your love/hate battle about the city is just, but also understand that money is not everything.

Yes this job would guarantee more money, but money isn’t always happiness.  You have to find within your relationship what makes you both happy.  Why did you say Yes?  Rekindle why you fell in love and why you continued to plan a future with this man and move in with him.

If this were my situation, I would probably move to the city for my future husband, and allow him his chance at his dream job. It doesn’t have to be a move that is forever, it could be a strarting ground for what’s ahead.

You could eventually find a similar career in the suburbs, where you can easily venture to the city.

Are you able to move outside of the city and commute? This way you could work in the city but live in the burbs?

 

Lastly regarding your FH’s financial status.  Have you tried to provide him with leads on better jobs?  Working together to find a new job for him would be a great start as well.

What is he good at? What does he love?  I wouldn’t necessarily pull out of a wedding if these are your only draw backs…times are hard right now and this is your test..if you can’t love him when he’s down…then maybe you have no right to get married.

Post # 12
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@was420:  is commuting a possibility?  can you move to an area thats an equal distance?  keep in mind too if you were planning on having children, its good to move to an area in a good school district.  basically, there is a lot of compromise and a lot of sacrifices that need to be made for the good of your relationship and your family.

Post # 14
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@was420:  Fair enough.  It takes some people a while to figure out what they really want to do.  Similarly, some people aren’t career oriented.  That is, they are ok with having just a job and having a comfortable lifestyle.  Are you against the idea of being the breadwinner?  Would it be so terrible if you made a good living and he was a stay at home dad (I think you mentioned wanting to be a Stay-At-Home Mom, unless I have you confused with another post)?  It’s a different world these days, most women don’t have the luxury of being able to stay at home to raise children.  Just some food for thought.

In my opinion, if he’s making a decent living (i.e. not working the drive-thru at Wendy’s) and he’s happy doing what he’s doing, then so be it.  If he hates his job but has no drive to find something better suited for him, then that’s another issue that severely needs addressing.  I think you both need to sit down and figure out a gameplan.  “FI – I want my career back, I’m not happy doing what I’m doing, and frankly we are struggling financially.  It makes sense for me to go back to my old job and it’s best that we live in the city for that.  We can revisit the idea of moving back to the suburbs in X years, if and when we are ready for children.  Is this something you are willing to do for me?”

Post # 15
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@was420:  another thing… he wants to move out of the city – does he want to buy a house?  if so, with what money?  if he wants to rent and its cheaper outside the city, then maybe this is something you should consider.  I still dont understand why commuting doesn’t seem to be an option for either one of you, it sounds like you both are being quite stubborn on this topic…

Post # 16
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

How far from the city does he want to move?  What city?  Could you compromise and live close enough that you could commute?

 

I think your concerns about your career are valid, but it doesn’t seem like enough to call off the wedding…it seems like a compromise will have to be made!

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