Post # 1
Okay, I know I should feel happy that she got engaged but I’m struggling to. I’m the first to admit that people move at their own paces but from what I know of her I really think she is rushing this. I have NOT said anything to her becaue this is a “me” issue, not a “her” issue. I’m not looking for people to tell me I am right or wrong, I just need to get this out and get feedback., Trust me I am not trying to say she shouldn’t get married because really only she and her FI know if they are or aren’t ready. I guess I am looking to see if people can understand why I would feel this way or if I’m just missing the mark.
Okay since that is all said and done… my cousin recently got engaged to her BF of less than 6 months. That alone shocked me since she’s been in several relationships that have ended badly with quite the show on Facebook (ie “Omg I love him, he is the man of my dreams” then 3-4 months later “OMFG I HATE THAT JERK. I’M SO BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM!”). When I met her now FI I thought he was a pretty good guy, albeit a little immature (he is 20 and she is 26) but still a good guy. The only thing that bugged me was that my cousin (who is a self-made woman) was supporting him while he “looked for a job”. In the 5 months that I’ve known him he hasn’t kept a job for more than 2 weeks before he is complaining about something and quitting (thanks again, Facebook…). Honestly I chalk it up to being immature, and hopefully he’ll grow out of that stage.
Anywho… my younger cousin, my older cousin, and myself (none of us are siblings) all got engaged this year, and at a family get together we three engaged couples were taking pictures and talking wedding while she was the only female cousin left out (my brother, sister and 2 male cousins are all married and were with their spouses’ families) and about 5 weeks later she gets engaged. I try not to tell myself this because I would hate if someone said this about me, but I do feel this engagement/marriage is a bit rushed perhaps due to the “I’m the only one not getting married” thing. They’ve set their date and when they get married they will have been together just shy of 1 1/2 years. Like I said before I know people move at their own pace, but because of what I know of my cousin I am having a hard time feeling excited for her. At our last family get together (she and her FI were not there) I heard others in my family saying the same things that I was thinking (though I stayed out of that conversation).
I know I sound awfully petty but I really think my cousin should just slow down a bit (she’s further along in her wedding planning than I am!) and just wait a little while and really give this relationship a chance to blossom before making such an important life step. Trust me when I say I’m not saying that people who get engaged quickly are rushing things… this is very specific to just HER relationship. My best friend got MARRIED after only dating a guy for 6 months (just hopped on down to the JoP and tied the knot one sunny Saturday) and 5 years later they are still married (yes, they were 20 at the time).
Just to be clear… it is ONLY this specific relationship and my knowledge of my cousin that has me feeling iffy. I just want to be happy… I know that I should just be happy but I’m just worried for my cousin. She’s been heart broken before and I mean really dragged through the gutter in a previous relationship and I don’t want her to go through something like that again.
Anyway I just wanted to get that off my chest.. I don’t know if any of you would feel this way… maybe I am just being over protective because she is my cousin (and friend) and I don’t want her to get hurt. My head is saying to just be happy but my gut is telling me otherwise.
Post # 3
@MrnmrsJMC: I would be worried about the same things given the red flags you’ve described. Whether or not you bring it up (IMHO) depends on how close you are to her. If you guys aren’t really close but you think it’d be approrpriate, maybe you could discuss this with a mutual friend or relative and decide whether to bring up the issue with her – in a gentle, non-ambush-y type way, of course. This is a tough one but you’re a good person for trying to protect her.
Post # 4
@lizahbee: Thanks for the feedback. I’m fairly close to her, but I don’t know if I am close enough. I know her mom is very very excited and I fear that if I say anything it will sound like I am just being petty – even if I try to say it in a gentle, non-ambushy way… actually I feel like however I say it, it would sound ambushy. I just don’t know if there is a right why to say something like this.
Post # 5
I understand that you’re worried about her but she’s a grown woman and she has her own life. If she wants to get married to her SO sooner rather than later, it shouldn’t bother you in the least. If someone had said something similar to you about your FI, you would have been pretty upset, I imagine.
People around us make their own choices, and while we think we might know better, we really don’t. So wish her well and get on with your wedding planning.
Post # 6
I would stay out of it and trust that my cousin is mature enough to make teh right decision, just hope for the best for her and leave it at that because you might just come across as jealous or wanting to ruin it for her especially if her mother is on board and doesnt think its too soon
Post # 7
The women I have spoken to IRL that managed to get out of difficult relationships all seemed to say that once they found someone else it wasn’t long before they knew their next partner was ‘the one’. Maybe because of the bad experiences it’s much easier to figure out what you really want?
Your cousin is lucky to have you looking out for her 🙂 but it sucks that your gut is telling you to worry. I’m with PPs, there’s not much you can do but let her make her own mistakes.
Post # 8
Yeah, I’m with pp’s that you’ll have to let her make her own mistake. I also am on team human and believe it is totally allowed to have weird feelings about the situation. You’re entitled to all the opinions and feelings you have on the matter. Don’t be hurtful, but if you wanna come back in 9 months if they break it off and gloat like crazy- do it man. Sometimes I think people forget the point of venting here is that we can’t do it irl.
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2014 - UK
I don’t think you can say anything, even with the best intentions, because it will never be taken that way. I’m pretty close to all my cousins, but whilst there are things that perhaps I want to say as a helpful hint, I know it wouldn’t be wise.
All you can really do is hope for the best!
Post # 10
@MrnmrsJMC: I understand your concerns and agree with them.
But I don’t think you should say anything, it will cause a rift between you 2. She is most likely blinded by her feelings for this boy at the moment. Also, she is a grown woman and needs to be able to make her own mistakes, otherwise she will never learn on her own. All you should do is be there for her when this whole thing blows up in her face and everything between them goes to crap.
Post # 11
Not that I don’t think that she may be rushing it, but I would like to make one point about one thing you said. You said the young man has not been able to keep a job. I am just wondering, if your cousin is a business woman, maybe her FI will end up being a stay at home daddy? Husbands work and take care of their family. What’s wrong with the other way around? Also – I am six years older than my husband and we met when he was 22. A little older, but similar. We did not get engaged until he was 24 (almost 25) though and almost three years into our relationship.
Post # 12
I think that you shouldn’t say anything because based on her past, they’ll end up being broken up soon anyway. I agree with the PPs that she needs to make her own mistakes…if you say anything it’s just going to be taken as you being unsupportive and won’t likely change anything because it seems she has her mind made up for the moment. My husband has a similar friend on facebook who was all set to get married to a guy she had known for TWO months if that, and they postponed the wedding and are now broken up after around three I think (they’d even gotten the marraige license). Once the reality that things aren’t going to change and he isn’t going to magically mature overnight set in, she’ll probably break up with him and move on. Or he’ll magically mature overnight and things will work out. Either way, I think you’re totally justified in how you feel, but need to try to be as supportive as possible even though you have reservations.