(Closed) Help! Trying to Cut Down the Guest List FHs family count is taking over

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee

Divide your list in threes – one third for you and Fiance, one third for your family, one third for his family. That way you don’t have to make any cuts to his side, he and his family can decide who they want there as long as it’s not more than the set number. You said 150? Easy. 50 to his parents, 50 to you and him, and 50 to your parents. You can each choose to fill that 50 with family, friends, etc. That way no one can whine about it not being fair. 

Post # 3
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Why can’t he pay, not his parents?  Or is it possible he’s not mature enough to be getting married?

Post # 5
Member
9961 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Went through the exact same problem. It ended up only FI’s immediate family, My family and our mutual friends are coming. I know he wishes he could invite his whole extended family but it isn’t possible unless someone wants to help us with money which no one on that side did.

For me, it was less Fiance. FI’s grandmother insisted all her children and their families be invited (9 families in total with varying number of people in each family) this is just his mothers side mind you. Had we complied with this we would have had to extend the same to his fathers side (another 30 people). Where as I only have maybe 15 people total including aunts, uncles, ect. I said “Okay, I’d love to have your family come to our wedding! But it’s $10 a head to feed each person plus we will need to find a new venue. How much is your family going to invest so we can do this?” When he found out the answer was nothing he agreed it wasn’t possible to make it happen. I really would have loved to have everyone come, we just can’t afford it and neither can my dad who is paying for the wedding. His dad was totally cool when we called and said we couldn’t afford to invite everyone in the extended family. His grandmother however will not be coming to our wedding now that we can’t invite her whole side. I’m bummed out about that but there isn’t anything I can do about it. I just really really don’t have the money or I would do it.

I think you need to phrase it to him logically. It’s not that you don’t want everyone there, but you can’t afford it and you also don’t want to be at a wedding surrounded by strangers. The fairest thing is splitting it down the middle that you both get a certain number of invites.

Post # 7
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

mct725:  I really hate to say it, but I do hope you take note that he took on debt to buy your engagement ring and thus cannot afford to pay for a significant part of his own wedding…not starting marriage off in a good place financially is pretty unwise…you really should evaluate his financial situation very thoroughly before taking the plunge. It sounds like his family has money issues as well so there may be a pattern; this should be taken seriously. I mean this with all good will!

To your question though: I had the same situation with my Fiance. It really came down to saying POINT BLANK: “My parents are only paying for X number of guests. Cut your list appropriately or you and/or your parents can pay for the extra guests. Unfortunately, this is non-negotiable as my parents are already being very generous.” After that convo, my Fiance decided he’d pay for his family’s extra guests himself.

However, had he still been stubborn and refused to pay for them himself (or his family didn’t/couldn’t pay and also refused to cut the list), I would have asked my parents to sit down with him (and his parents if necessary) and politely make the situation very clear to him. Frankly, your parents paying for the 100-125 guests is so very nice of them; he should be more appreciative instead of pressuring you and your parents to basically giving him and his family a lavish wedding THEY THEMSELVES CAN’T AFFORD. Put your foot down! Do not let them railroad your family into having a bigger wedding than they want, (especially when, again, his own family can’t even afford it). Good luck, bee!!

Post # 8
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s his wedding too, if he is close to his family I think he should be able to invite them.  He should just contribute to the cost.  On the other hand if he agrees to go for a wedding with only 125 guests then he will have to cut guests. It is really not just your family’s wedding to set the parameters about.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Scarlett11.
Post # 9
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

I had a similar issue where Fiance guest list was increasing because his parents were inviting extra people. To avoid the drama, we let them have it, BUT Fiance had to cut some of HIS friends out, at least for now until we get confirmed RSVPs. If he really can’t cut people out, maybe you both can cover the extra costs? My parents are paying for our venue but only up to the number we agreed to on the venue contract. Anything over, Fiance and I will take care of. Good luck on the guest list… I feel your frustration! 

Post # 10
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Honestly, if you have a guest list of 150, I think you will quite reasonably have 125 guests actually show up. Probably even less depending on how many are out of town, etc.

Post # 11
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I had a similar sitatuation, but the huge family in our case is mine. I have around 150 people including my parents/siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents and first cousins.

We ended up deciding to just invite our immediate families, grand parents and aunts and uncles. It was a tough decision since we’re a very close family too, but because of the cost it was an extremely necessary one! As a matter of fact, everyone has been surprisingly gracious and understanding about it. I made the effort to reach out to each of the families and explain the whole thing to them because I didn’t want them to find out that cousins weren’t invited from an invitation…that just seemed too cold for me.

Even after all that, I still have 46 family members on the list to his 19.

It can be done! I think the idea of dividing the guest list is a good one. Ultimately, your fiancee will have to realize that the “fun party” he doesn’t want to sacrifice isn’t worth starting your marriage in debt.

Post # 12
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I am sorry, the much bigger problem is his being a bully AND trying to take advantage of your family.  You need to step back and realize, it is about the marriage, not just the wedding.  Don’t think he will change after you get married.  he won’t.  When someone tells you who they are, beleive them. 

Post # 13
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I agree that his bullying is the actual problem here, and you need to have your eyes wide open about it.  What will he be like when it comes time to buy a house, and the one he likes is higher price than you’re comfortable with?  Or when you have kiids and decisions need to be made about them?  I doubt that someone who is a bully on one issue will not be a bully about any others.  

You and your parents need to be clear with him that he and his family can invite 50 or 65 people (half of the guest list), and who he / they invite is up to them, but that your parents have (very generous!) limits, and they are entitled to their half of the guest list, on if, ands, or buts.

Post # 14
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

First of all, the people hosting the wedding (that is, paying for it), have the final say. So if your parents tell you that you can only have 100 people maximum, then that’s that. And to that end, the first thing you need to do is figure out whether it’s 100 people or if it’s 125, because at an average of $100/person that’s a difference of $2,500. 

The best way to do it, and the way it works for most couples, is to simply divvy that up evenly–25 each for you, Fiance, FI’s family, your family (or some other split that works). Now, I do think that if you really only have 12 family members and he has 64, then…is it really that big a problem for you to allocate more spaces to accommodate his family? You could offer something like and his family get 60 spaces (instead of 50), while you and your family get 40–BUT, do be aware that it’s your parents who are hosting and they may want the 50 spaces  that they’re entitled to. At any rate, in the end this is a moot point: ask your parents how many guests FI/FI’s family is allotted and then accept the number. If your Fiance and FI’s family aren’t chipping in, then they should accept the number as well. 

Maybe an actual spreadsheet would help, so you can show him the cost/person breakdown. You can also do one where you calculate teh total cost of EVERYONE that you guys want to invite and explain to him that 50 people will be $5000 more (or whatever it is–I’m using $100/person). Then you might be able to look at your line items and figure out if there are ways that you can find that $5K by reducing costs elsewhere (or getting his family to pitch in $5K)–it’s doubtful, but that’s the point, isn’t it? A budget is a budget. If having these people there is really important to him, then changes have to be made that affect the kind of event you have. Mind you, you do have to do this with some discretion, as your parents are paying and they too, get some sort of say in what kind of event they’re going to host. 

I personally never think it’s a good idea to invite more people than you can actually accommodate, especially if the budget is tight and especially if it’s you’re using someone else’s dime. Yes, the likelihood is that out of 150 people, you won’t end up with 150 confirmed guests, but people will still surprise you, and I think that if your parents have told you the max is 125, then 135 is still not okay. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  BothCoasts.
Post # 15
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

If you can’t afford to get married then you’re not really ready to get married. Your parents are being very generous being willing to cover the costs. If they say max 100, you get 50, he gets 50. End of story. Whatever he wants beyond what the people paying for it are willing to give, he needs to pay for. It’s very simple.

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